Don’t tell your ex that you’re getting help to work on your issues and problems, because she doesn’t want to hear about it.
Women don’t want to be in a position where they effectively have to say, “Good boy” or, “Good on you. I’m proud of you.”
It makes them feel like a mother figure or like a big sister in your life, which turns her off even more.
Women don’t feel sexually attracted to the idea of being a mother figure to their man.
It’s not sexy or attractive, so if you tell your ex that you’re getting help to improve yourself and deal with your issues, it will simply make her feel more certain about wanting to move on without you.
Here’s what you should do instead:
1. Just get the help, change quickly and get her back
If you’re going to get help to fix your issues, just do it.
You don’t need her to be patting you on the back and telling you that you’re a good man for doing it.
Likewise, she’s not going to be impressed about being reminded of the fact that you’re trying to overcome issues (that other men don’t experience) so you can possibly be man enough for her.
So, rather than telling her, just quickly learn from your past mistakes and get on with being the kind of man that she can naturally look up to and respect from now on.
For example: If one of your issues was being unable to control your anger and were always losing your temper, shouting, causing a scene or being overly jealous and controlling in the relationship, then focus on quickly fixing that.
Learn how to be more in control of your emotions (e.g. by realizing that there are more effective ways to respond to an annoying situation, such as using humor to diffuse it or walking away and discussing it when you are calmer) and start being the confident, emotionally mature man she always wanted you to be.
Here’s a video of mine with an example…
Another example is if you had trust issues, resulting in you being emotionally closed off towards your ex (e.g. you never fully opened up to her, you were cold and distant towards her even in the relationship, you were unwilling to commit to her, you were holding onto things that hurt you in the past and bringing it into the relationship with her).
To begin getting past that issue, you need to understand that in a relationship, you have to be able to fully trust your woman without question.
If you can offer her that trust, the love between you and her will grow stronger, closer and more intertwined over time.
You will literally become inseparable.
So, even though you might feel as though you have good reasons for being emotionally closed off or insecure (e.g. you’ve been cheated on or hurt by other women before, you weren’t loved as a child, you were abandoned, you were betrayed by a close friend or by an ex girlfriend), you have to be able to let go of the past because the past isn’t her fault.
You need to let go of the past and allow yourself to fully trust her, so you can both fully open up to each other and experience true love that lasts a lifetime.
Fully opening up doesn’t mean that you now become wimpy and start pouring your heart out to her like a woman or a little boy would to a counselor.
Instead, it simply means that this time around, you are able to open up and discuss your feelings with her in a calm, rational and composed way like a man would (i.e. be sincere, get to the point and feel it, but don’t be soppy or wimpy about it).
So, regardless of your past issues, just focus on quickly making some changes and adjustments and then let her experience the new you via the way you now talk, act, think, behave and react to her.
Show her (don’t tell her) that you now have the ability to be the man she always wanted you to be (e.g. more emotionally available to her, less volatile, more emotionally mature).
When she sees that you really have changed (without needing her help or support and without needing to discuss it with her), she will automatically begin to feel respect for you again because you are your own man.
When she respects you and sees you as your own man, she will also start to feel sexually attracted to you again.
When that happens, it will then become a lot easier for her to reconnect with her feelings of love for you and want to give the relationship another try.
You can then guide her back into a relationship with you that is better and stronger than it was before.
2. Don’t burden her with your struggles or the obstacles you are overcoming on your journey to become a better man
Who else is there to turn to during a difficult time in your life, other than the woman you love?
It’s fine to turn to her when you and her are in love and are enjoying a close relationship, but not when you’ve broken up.
So, even though you are currently facing one of the biggest challenges of your life (i.e. overcoming your issues and preparing to re-attract her and get her back), you actually have to get through it without the help of your ex.
A woman just wants to be in love, rather than trying hard to make a relationship work with a guy who doesn’t yet understand how to be the man she needs.
So, if a guy discusses his struggles to become a better man with his ex woman, she isn’t going to enjoy being seen as his support system.
For example: A guy might say something like, “This is really difficult for me. I’ve been dealing with these issues all my life, so it’s not easy to just overcome them, but I’ve been learning. I’ve been getting help online and I’ve been thinking about going to a therapist. I’m glad that I still have you to talk to as well. You’ve always been there for me. I am determined to fix my issues this time and get us back together.”
Yet, rather than make her think, “Wow! I’m so impressed that he’s getting help to work on his issues. He also needs my guidance and support to get through it, which is so cute. I feel so flattered that he’s turning to me for support and guidance through this difficult time,” she will probably feel annoyed that he’s still trying to be the kind of man she wants, even after all this time.
If she has recently been flirting with new men and noticed that they don’t have the issues her ex has, she is going to feel as though her ex is holding her back.
She will begin to see her ex as a guy who needs a lot of work and she probably won’t feel the motivation to want to help him through that and stick around long enough for him to be ‘normal’.
She may then begin to think, “Even now after we’ve broken up, he still expects me to be there for him and give him guidance and support. I’m tired of trying to help him grow up and be a man. I just want a man who is already a man and has grown out of his childhood issues. I want a man that I can look up to and depend on to be strong on his own, so I can then relax and feel safe in the knowledge that he’s in the lead and taking care of both of us, rather than me taking care of him.”
As a result, she might then decide to cut off contact with her ex and try to move on, or keep the lines of communication open and secretly begin moving on behind his back.
So, if you want to get your ex back, the best approach is to just get on with fixing your issues and using interactions with her as a way of making her feel surges of respect and attraction for you again.
Keep your struggles to yourself and focus on making her laugh, smile and feel good to be around you again, rather than weighing her down with your issues.
When you can show her that you’re a different man now, (rather than trying to discuss every step of your difficult journey with her), she will naturally feel respect and attraction for you again, whether she likes it or not.
Even if she initially pretends that the new you doesn’t impress her, deep down she will be feeling surges of respect for you for becoming a better man.
She will then begin to open back up to getting back with you and seeing how it goes.
3. Don’t talk about your issues with her, unless you are able to look back and laugh about them
Once you have gotten help, worked on your issues and improved, there’s no reason why you ever need to talk about it with your ex.
That’s who you used to be.
Let the old you go and start being the new you.
You have changed.
Embrace the new you and let her experience that and only that from now on.
So, if you ever find yourself in a conversation with your ex and she tries to push your buttons by bringing up your past mistakes, rather than getting upset about it and possibly saying things like, “No! No! You don’t understand. I’m not like that anymore. I’ve been working on my issues and I’ve changed. Just give me a chance to show you,” a better way to react, is to laugh at yourself and say something along the lines of, “Ha ha! Yes, I did do that before, didn’t I? I was so childish/immature/out of control. I can’t believe that was me. No wonder you broke up with me. I would have done the same thing if I was in your place. Fortunately though, I’m not that guy anymore. The old me is like the black sheep in the family that we no longer talk about. He has been outcast. He is no longer part of the flock” and have a laugh with her about it.
By laughing at yourself, it shows her that you really have changed and are no longer the same guy she broke up with.
You have learned from the experience and have already taken steps to become a better, more emotionally strong and mature man, without ever needing her help or leaning on her to discuss it and get a pat on the back.
As a result, she doesn’t have to keep her defenses up when she’s around you anymore because you clearly are more of a man now.
She can now relax, laugh, smile and feel good being in your presence again, rather than having to always feel like you need help and she needs to be there for you.
When she can relax around you, she begins to forgive your past mistakes and wants to give the relationship another chance.
4. Focus on making her have feelings for you, not on talking about your struggles
Although working on your issues might be quite a struggle for you, it’s not something that you need to share with your ex.
If you tell her that you’re getting help (e.g. therapy, counseling, learning from an online guru like me) it might cause her to think something like, “Well…even though he’s getting help to work on his issues, I just don’t think I want to be with a guy who is so messed up. It’s probably better if I just move on and find another guy who is emotionally stable and together.”
This is why you should just focus on reawakening her feelings of respect and attraction for you, by talking and behaving in ways that are sexually and romantically attractive to her.
For example: When you interact with your ex from now on, show her that you are…
- Confident, emotionally strong and self-assured, rather than insecure and self-doubting.
- Emotionally masculine and dominant, rather than timid, hesitant, submissive or docile around her.
- Emotionally independent and focused on making your goals and dreams in life a reality, rather than living your life for her or needing her to reassure you that the future will be okay because she will always be there for you.
- Capable of making her laugh, smile and feel relaxed around you, rather than making her feel bored, annoyed, irritated or uncomfortable with you.
- Emotionally masculine in ways that make her feel feminine and girly in your presence, rather than making her feel like a neutral friend or big sister to you.
Remember: How you make your ex feel is the most important part of getting her back.
Getting her back is largely about making her have positive feelings for you again (e.g. respect, attraction, love), rather than trying to talk her into giving you another chance.
How she feels about you now and from now on is what counts.
So, stick to reawakening her feelings when you interact with her and keep your struggles to yourself.
Where Guys Go Wrong When Trying to Get an Ex Back
1. Thinking that a woman will be impressed that he is getting help and want him back because of that
Sometimes a guy will get help to work on his issues, solely for the purpose of impressing his ex enough to give him another chance.
Essentially, he will hope that she might say something along the lines of, “Wow! You’re really taking this break up so seriously, aren’t you? Good on you! I’m so flattered that you love me enough to get help and become a better man. So, based on your commitment to improve, I’m willing to give you another chance right away. Let’s do it! Let’s get back together again right now!”
Yet, in most cases, the opposite happens because a woman doesn’t want to feel as though her ex is doing everything just to get her back.
If she gets that sense, she begins to worry that his efforts are fake and that he doesn’t even want to change, but is doing it out of the fear of losing her.
He doesn’t really want to become a better man; he just wants to avoid being dumped.
As a result, he isn’t his own man.
He is reacting and living his life based on what she has decided.
He is following her lead and trying to live up to her expectations, just so he doesn’t get dumped and left behind.
Therefore, she feels more like a mentor, a mother figure or a big sister to him and as though he is trying to grow up under her leadership and direction.
That does not make a woman feel sexually attracted and turned on.
Feeling like a mother figure literally shuts down her ability to feel sexually attracted to him and when that happens, a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship no longer seems appealing.
So, rather than be impressed by the fact that he is seeking help, a woman begins to think things like, “Why is he telling me that he’s getting help? Does he want a pat on the back for doing what he should already have done long ago? Well, I’m not impressed. In fact, all he’s doing is highlighting to me that he still doesn’t know how to be the man that I want him to be. He’s proving to me that I made the right decision to break up with him. He’s not man enough for a woman like me. Maybe he will be man enough for another woman, but not me. I refuse to keep waiting around for him to grow up and be the kind of man that I want. There are millions of men out there who are way more mature and emotionally secure than him. I’m going to fall in love with a man like that instead. I’m not going to stick around and help my ex any longer. It’s time for me to start putting myself first.”
She then closes herself off from her ex and begins flirting with new men, having sex and falling in love.
So, if you’re getting help to work on your issues, just keep it to yourself and use interactions with your ex to re-attract her and seduce her sexually.
Don’t get into big discussions about issues.
Instead, get to a hug, kiss and have sex with her after fully re-attracting her based on your changes and how great it makes her feel (e.g. you’re so much more confident now and she feels attracted to you in a way she has never felt before).
When that happens, you will naturally begin to get back together.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Not realizing that most women want a ready-made man, or a man who can continue becoming a better man without the need for her help, support or guidance
A guy might say something along the lines of, “I’m getting help to work on my issues. So, just tell me what you think I need to focus on most and I’ll do it. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be the man you want. Please just tell me how I’m doing and what else I need to improve.”
Yet, what he doesn’t realize is that she doesn’t want to take on the responsibility for his development as a man.
She wants him to get the help if he wants or needs it, but not tell her about it or ask for her input.
She wants him to figure out how to be the kind of man that she wants and then start being that man, without needing to discuss it with her.
If he needs to discuss it with her, it takes the romance out of it and she feels as though he’s putting on an act to impress her.
The next mistake to avoid is…
3. Making the idea of having a relationship with him seem stressful
If a relationship feels like it will be too much hard work for her (e.g. because the guy has so many issues and problems that he needs to work hard at overcoming), a woman will usually opt to just remain broken up.
Rather than getting back with a guy and having to deal with him constantly relapsing into old patterns of negative behavior (e.g. insecurity, jealousy, lying, having anxiety attacks), she will try to just find herself a man who already has it together.
This is why you need to have already changed and improved before you interact with your ex.
Don’t wait too long to do that though.
You need to get help to rapidly change and improve over the next few days to a week.
Then, you need to interact with her and let her experience the new and improved you, without trying to discuss what you’ve been through with her.
Just allow her to feel attracted to how confident, charismatic, easy-going, positive and assertive you are now.
You are a completely new man and she now feels completely different about you.
She feels drawn to you in new and interesting ways and wants to explore her new feelings for you, rather than walk away and regret losing you.
Another mistake to avoid is…
4. Not realizing that every great man has overcome issues in his life
Even though you made some mistakes in the relationship or in life, there’s no reason for you to feel alone about that.
Every man makes mistakes and learns from those mistakes in one way or another.
No man is perfect from birth until death.
Every man makes mistakes, but what separates the great men from the losers of life, is that the great men learn always from their mistakes and continually become a better man throughout life.
The losers of life make mistakes and remain stuck at that level for years or decades.
That’s not you.
You are a great man you learns from his mistakes and continues to become an even better man throughout life.
You are someone that others can look up to because you’re always improving and becoming a better man.
If not, start now.
Change and improve quickly (within the next few days to a week) and then interact with her, re-attract her and get her back.
Today is the day that you change your life forever.
Today is the day that you become the man you always knew you could be.