If your ex is being distant, here are 3 things you can do to get her to open up to you…
1. Stop Saying and Doing the Things That Are Causing Her to Be Distant
Sometimes, a guy might say, “I don’t understand why my ex is being so distant. No matter what I say or do, she just pushes me away. I don’t know what to do to make her open up to me again. She’s being so stubborn.”
Yet, what he doesn’t realize is that his behavior is what’s making her react in that way.
For example: Some of the things a guy will do that will cause his ex woman to pull away from him even more are:
- Begging and pleading.
This is one of the most common reactions that guys have when faced with the shock of being broken up with.
For example: A guy might say to himself, “I can’t lose her! I have to do whatever it takes to make her change her mind before it’s too late.”
Even though it might seem like begging and pleading will show her how much you care, it actually makes her feel so turned off that she doesn’t care how much you care.
The reason why is that when a man is being emotionally weak (e.g. insecure, desperate, clingy, self-doubting), it turns a woman off at a deep level.
On the other hand, when a man is being emotionally strong (e.g. confident, in control his emotions, at ease) it naturally makes a woman feel attracted whether she wants to feel that way or not.
She can’t control it because it’s a natural reaction.
Yet, a lot of guys either don’t know that or they simply can’t stop themselves from begging and pleading to their woman when she dumps them.
For example: A guy might call his ex on the phone, or meet up with her in person and say things like, “Please forgive me! I know I stuffed up, but I promise to make it up to you. I beg you. Please let me prove to you how strong my love really is. I will do whatever I have to do to make it work. Please, please, just give me one more chance.”
She sees him being emotionally weak at a time when she really needs him to be confident and emotionally strong.
If he can’t do that for her, he’s just helping her feel like she made the right decision to break up with him.
Here’s the thing…
A woman usually breaks up with a guy when her feelings of respect, attraction and love for him fade because of the way he has been thinking, acting and behaving in the relationship with her (e.g. he is too insecure, clingy, needy, emotionally sensitive).
So, to change her mind about him and want to give him a second chance, she needs to see that he’s changed those things about himself and is now at a different level as a man.
She needs to be able to see that he has moved beyond the level that he was at when she broke up with him, rather than him becoming even more of a turn off to her.
So, when a guy’s first reaction is begging and pleading, she will become distant in the hope that he will just leave her alone.
Another thing that will make her want to be even more distant with you is…
- Trying to convince her to change her mind.
When a woman doesn’t feel much (or any) respect and attraction for a guy, him telling her how much he cares or giving her a list of great reasons for them to stay together just isn’t going to matter that much to her.
She’s not feeling attracted to him, so she doesn’t care.
It doesn’t matter to her.
He wants her back because he feels attracted to her, but she doesn’t yet feel that for him, so his words mean nothing to her.
Even though he’s trying to reason with her, explain that he cares and promise that he can change, she’s just going to say something like, “I know that you mean well, but I don’t feel the same way about you anymore. It’s over. Just accept it” or “I need some space so that I can figure out what I want from my life,” or “I just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I want to be alone for a while. I’m not interested in being with any guys. I just want to be alone.”
What she really means is, “I’m breaking up with you because you don’t know how to make me feel respect, sexual attraction and love for you anymore. I’m only giving you vague reasons because I don’t want to teach you how to re-attract me. You have to figure that out on your own, otherwise you’ve lost me. I’m not going to tell you that either. I’m going to tell you that it’s over and you have no chance because I’m basing what I’m saying on how you’re making me feel now, not on how you could make me feel if you changed your approach.”
Most guys don’t know that it’s possible to re-attract an ex woman, so they feel like their situation is hopeless and there’s no chance of getting her back.
Yet, here’s the thing…
He’s thinking that it’s hopeless, but he’s not even doing anything to make her feel respect, sexual attraction and love!
It’s like thinking that it’s impossible to drive a car without learning how to drive and then driving.
You’ve got to get into the car if you want to drive.
You can’t just look at it and say, “No, it’s impossible. I wouldn’t be able to learn how to drive. There’s just no way.”
Of course it’s possible to drive a car and of course you can learn.
Likewise, of course it’s possible to re-attract an ex and of course you can learn.
You just need to know how a woman’s attraction works and then start doing what works.
Here are some examples…
Men who try to convince their ex back don’t understand the power of attraction.
He just tries to convince her with words and has no idea how to make her have feelings for him again.
From her perspective, all she sees is a desperate guy who has no clue how to win a woman back.
From his perspective, he may see her as being stubborn, selfish, bitchy, mean and cold.
Yet, the only reason why she’s not opening up to him is that he’s not making her have feelings again by focusing on attraction.
He’s just trying to convince her with words, which are not enough when it comes to getting a woman back for real after a serious break up.
Another thing that will make an ex become even more distant is…
- Seeking pity.
When a guy notices that nothing is working and that his ex is only being more and more distant, he might then attempt to make her feel sorry for him.
He will send her a text message saying something like, “Why are you doing this to me? Don’t you have a heart? I can’t believe that you’ve become so cold that you’re actually enjoying punishing me in this way. I’m doing everything I can to make it up to you for hurting you and you don’t even have the decency to talk to me. Just give me chance. Please!”
He’s hoping that if she realizes how much he’s hurting without her, it will soften her up and she will be more open to talking to him on the phone and seeing him in person.
Yet, women don’t like to be emotionally blackmailed and in most cases, rather than melt her iciness, seeking pity from your ex might cause her to pull away even more.
Always remember: Women are attracted to emotional strength in men and turned off by weakness.
Seeking pity is a form of emotional weakness.
An emotionally strong man would not feel sorry for himself and seek pity.
Instead, he would remain confident in his ability to attract her and he would get on with doing that (e.g. by making her smile, laugh and feel good when talking to him).
Another thing that will cause an ex woman to become distant is…
• Being annoying.
A guy might decide that if his ex is being distant towards him, he’s going to make it as difficult as possible for her to avoid him.
He might then show up at her house or workplace (e.g. he forgot something of his at her house, he’s returning something of hers) just to make her talk to him.
Alternatively, he might show up at some of the places she likes to go (e.g. restaurants, bars, clubs) and act surprised to see her there.
It goes without saying that annoying a woman is only going to make her be more distant not less.
So, if you feel tempted to do something that you know will annoy your ex (e.g. texting her all the time, calling her names) because just you’re feeling desperate to get a reaction from her, don’t do it.
It’s likely just going to make things worse.
Another distance trigger is…
- Arguing with her.
When a woman is being cold and distant towards her ex and nothing that he’s saying (e.g. trying to convince her to give him another chance, apologizing over and over again, promising to change) is getting through to her, he might end up becoming argumentative.
However, arguing and fighting doesn’t do anything to trigger a woman’s feelings of respect and attraction.
In fact, it usually has the opposite effect (i.e. she loses respect and attraction and shuts herself off even more).
So, rather than getting into pointless arguments and debates with your ex that will push her away even further, just focus on making her smile, laugh and feel good again when she interacts with you.
Another distance trigger is…
- Expecting her to want to get back with him just because the relationship used to be good.
In the past, a woman was essentially a man’s property and was expected to stay with him for life, regardless of whether she was happy or not.
In today’s world, if a man can’t maintain and build on the love, respect and attraction between him and his woman over time, she can now choose to leave if she wants to.
Some guys hate that women have that power these days, but it’s not going away.
To keep a relationship together, you’ve got to make it better over time, rather than just starting out great, ruining the relationship and expecting her to stick around.
Where some guys go wrong is thinking that because the relationship used to be good at the start, it should be enough of a reason for her to want to give the relationship another try.
Yet, if a woman isn’t getting the attraction experience that she wants from him anymore (e.g. he’s being insecure, childish, immature, jealous and controlling), she’s not going to care how good things were at the start.
In fact, talking about how good things used to be will just highlight to her how bad things are now.
So, don’t waste time focusing on what used to be, because when a woman loses respect and attraction for a guy she’s not going to care about how happy and in love they used to be.
How you make her feel right now is what matters, not how you used to make her feel long ago.
Another distance trigger is…
- Wanting her back even though he hasn’t changed the things that turn her off.
Many guys will try to get an ex back without even bothering to change any of the things about himself that were turning her off (e.g. he’s still insecure, still lacks purpose in life, isn’t manly enough when he interacts with her).
To stop your ex from being distant towards you and make her want to give your relationship another shot, you’ve got to understand what truly caused her to break up with you.
For example: A woman will feel turned off and want to be distant if you…
- Became insecure in the relationship (e.g. by constantly asking her to reassure you that she loves you, giving up your other interests to spend all your time with her, getting upset when she wants to do something without you).
- Allowed her to dominate you emotionally (e.g. by letting her push you around, make all the decisions, not standing up to her when she is disrespectful towards you).
- Took her for granted (e.g. broke promises to her, regularly criticized her, stopped noticing her efforts to look good for you).
- Became too emotionally sensitive (e.g. by regularly telling her about your feelings, not being able to handle her tests of your confidence, expecting her to be gentle with you emotionally).
- Stopped making her feel feminine and girly in your presence (e.g. by treating her more like a neutral friend or sister).
Did you make any of those mistakes in your relationship with her?
When you understand where you really went wrong, you can then focus on changing the things that will truly matter to your ex and make her open up to you again.
On the other hand, if you’re trying to get her back without first changing the things that really turned her off, she’s just going to keep being distant towards you.
Remember: To get an ex woman back, you have to focus on making her have feelings for you again.
She won’t care that you have feelings for her until she has feelings for you again.
2. Start Giving Her the Attraction Experience That She Secretly Wants
One of the main reasons why a woman breaks up with a guy is because she has lost a lot of respect and attraction for him over time.
Despite that, she will often stick around for a while in the hopes that the guy will pick up on her unhappiness and change his ways.
Some women stick around for days, others for weeks, months, years and even more than a decade.
It really depends on the woman and how much she’s willing to put up with.
However, if she is unhappy with the attraction experience he is providing (e.g. she wants a confident man, but he is insecure), she will hope that he changes before she has to break up with him.
If he doesn’t change, she will begin dropping hints (e.g. asking, “I like confident men”), making suggestions (e.g. asking, “Why don’t you get some help? You need to stop being insecure like this. I won’t put up with it forever you know?”) and sometimes even nagging him.
She might also begin to start arguments with him over seemingly insignificant things, as a way of letting him know that she is unhappy and is waiting for him to figure out what he needs to change and then change it.
Some guys who read that will think, “Why don’t women just say what they mean and tell us what they want us to do?”
The reason why is that a woman doesn’t want to feel like her man’s mother or big sister.
She wants to feel like your girl and look up to you as her man and the only way she can do that is to not take on the role of being your mother, teacher or big sister.
If you are unable to pick up on her signals of frustration, she will eventually lose interest and want to get out of the relationship, rather than having to become your teacher and guide you through the process of becoming a complete man.
For example: If a guy is too much of a nice guy, which then causes him to be submissive around other people, his woman might get to the point where she is so turned off that she constantly nags him about his inability to stand up for himself.
She might say things like, “Why do you always let everyone walk all over you? Your friends are constantly using you and you just can’t see it. Why do you have to be the one who always buys the drinks for a get together? Why are you the only one of your friends who is the designated driver when you all go out together?” or “Your coworkers are taking advantage of you. Why are you the only one who is always working late? You have a life too you know! You can say no sometimes! It’s not going to kill you to stand up for yourself,” as a way of motivating him to become more ballsy.
If he fails to take notice of her concerns and carries on behaving in the same old ways, she will start thinking, “I’m just not getting through to him. No matter what I say, he just can’t stand up for himself and be more of a man. I can’t live with a guy like that. I need someone I can look up to, respect and feel proud to present to my family and friends. He’s clearly not that guy for me. I have to end this relationship and find a man who knows how to be a real man.”
When she dumps him, he might then try to convince her to take him back by saying things like, “Please forgive me. I really love you and I will change whatever it is that you need me change. For the sake of the love we shared, please give me one more chance,” or “Please baby… you and I are soul mates. Sure we have our problems, but I know we can fix them. Please don’t break us apart. We can fix this. I love you more than anything. I promise that I will change whatever you want.”
She may then respond by saying something like, “No. You can’t convince me to get back together again. I’ve fallen for your promises and sweet talk too many times before for me to believe you now. It’s over.”
It sounds so final, doesn’t it?
It seems like he has no chance, right?
What he doesn’t realize is that she’s just reacting to the lack of respect and attraction that she currently feels for him.
He’s not even doing anything to re-attract her and is simply trying to convince her to give him another chance based on reasons that he is providing.
Yet, trying to convince a woman to open up and give you another chance doesn’t make her feel attracted and drawn to you.
So, what does?
Giving her the attraction experience she really wants and triggering her feelings of respect, attraction and love.
For example: If a guy was too nice and a push over in the relationship, he needs to show his ex that he’s now more ballsy and emotionally strong now.
Another example is if a guy was too emotionally immature in the relationship (e.g. not having any big goals or plans for the future, drifting from one dead end job to another), he now needs to show her that he’s more emotionally mature and is making real progress in life.
He needs to show her that he’s putting in the effort to become a better man.
Of course, he can’t go to her and say, “Now do you like me?” after making progress because it makes her feel as though he’s sucking up to her, which is something else that women find unattractive.
He just needs to change, start being the new man that he should be and then interact with her normally.
She will pick up on the changes as she interacts with him and as they talk and if she can see that he hasn’t just done it to impress her, she will be impressed.
Women want to see that you’re making progress and becoming a better man because you want to, not because you’re trying to suck up to them.
So, when you start giving your ex the attraction experience that she really wants (without going to her and asking, “Now do you like me?”), she naturally begins to feel more respect and attraction for you.
She then begins to ask herself, “Why have I been such a bitch to him? Why have I been so cold and distant? He’s not that bad…I mean, I actually feel something for him again. So, what was I thinking? I need to give him another chance” and she subconsciously allows the walls around her heart to come down.
However, if you keep saying and doing the things that have been turning her off, she will just continue being cold and distant towards you.
Finally, you just need to…
3. Guide Her Back Into a Relationship, But Don’t Put Too Much Pressure On Her
The best way to get your ex to warm up to the idea of getting back together with you, is by actively making her have feelings for you again.
Essentially what that means is that you need to interact with her (e.g. via text, e-mail, social media and especially over the phone and in person) and show her by the way you think, talk, act and behave that you’re a different man now.
However, if she continues to keep you at arms length and pretends not to be interested, don’t worry about it.
Don’t put pressure on her and cause her to pull away from you again.
Just relax and allow the ex back process to happen.
As long as you continue making her feel respect and attraction for you again, she will drop her guard and fully open herself back up to you.
When she starts to feel good when she’s talking to you on the phone, or meeting up with you in person, she becomes open to interacting with you more often.
It’s then up to you to continue saying and doing the types of things that trigger her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you, until she feels that getting back together again is what she really wants.
All of a sudden, she doesn’t want to be distant with you anymore.
She wants to be close to you.
She wants to be back in your arms and experiencing the new and improved you who is now able to make her feel attracted in new and exciting ways.