So, why does being too nice to a woman often lead to rejection?
Well, this is a confusing one for a lot of guys to understand because you will often hear women saying that they “like” nice guys.
When women are talking about a guy they’re interested in, they will usually say things like, “He’s so nice” or “he’s so sweet,” so it seems like that is the key to success with women.
Be nice, be sweet and you’ll then get the girl, right?
Well, not quite.
To make things more confusing for guys, women don’t complain about the nice treatment that nice guys give them. They don’t say to a guy, “Hey, being nice to me isn’t going to get you laid or make me want to be your girlfriend.”
Instead, they just soak up all the nice treatment and then sleep with a guy who makes them feel how they really want to feel. What do women really want to feel when interacting with a guy? Keep reading to discover the answer.
When a guy notices that a woman is reacting in a positive way to his nice behavior (i.e. she is smiling, enjoying the attention, enjoying the compliments and not telling him to go away), he will want to continue behaving in that way because it makes him feel good. It feels good that the woman he likes is being nice to him, smiling and showing interest in talking to him.
It seems to be working well, so he might then think, “Okay, well…I’m going to keep doing this and hopefully I will grow on her. Hopefully she will develop feelings for me over time.”
Yet, why doesn’t it work?
Why do her feelings only ever remain friendly towards the nice guy?
Why does she reject the nice guy when he tries to make a move on her? Why does she say, “You’re silly…we should just be friends” or “Sorry, I don’t want to ruin our friendship” when he attempts to ask her out on a date or suggest having a relationship?
What’s going on there?
If she enjoys being around him and appreciates his nice behavior, why doesn’t she want to have a sexual relationship with him? What’s the missing piece of the puzzle?
He is Creating Feelings of Friendly Affection Rather Than Sexual Attraction
If you focus on being nice to a woman and end up being too nice to her, it simply creates feelings of friendly affection towards you, not sexual attraction.
Read the dictionary definitions below to see the difference. The difference is in the sexual desire that attraction creates compared to the “gentle fondness” that is created by feeling friendly affection for another person.
Affection (noun): A gentle feeling of fondness or liking.
Attraction (noun): A quality or feature of someone that evokes interest, liking or desire.
If the main approach that you’re using with women or with a particular woman that you like, is to be a good guy around her and get her to feel a friendly affection for you, then it’s not going to work.
When you try to escalate things to a next level (e.g. get a phone number, set up a date, kiss her or ask her out), she’s most likely going to say “No” because she doesn’t feel attracted to you.
Without feelings of sexual attraction, she feels no need to be anything other than a friend or a stranger to you. Sexual attraction is what makes her want to have sex with you or begin a relationship with you.
Being good, being nice, being polite, laughing at all her jokes and being sweet around her are not the things that will make her feel sexual attraction for you. Those things are still great to do, but they don’t count for anything sexual if she doesn’t feel attracted to you.
You can make women feel sexually attracted to you in so many different ways (I teach more than 100 different ways to attract women) other than the typical things like looks, height, money or social status.
There are so many different ways that a guy can make a woman feel attracted, but most guys simply don’t know about them.
When you hear women gushing about a particular guy that they like and saying, “He’s so sweet” or “He’s so nice” what’s actually happening is that the guy has attracted her (i.e. he’s made her feel sexual attraction for him) AND he’s ALSO being sweet and nice to her or simply being a good guy.
Women will say vague things like, “He’s sweet” or “He’s cute” or “He’s nice” but that’s not the whole story. Women don’t go around sharing and explaining the reasons why they feel attracted a particular guy. So, it remains a mystery to most guys as they go through life.
For most guys, all they hear women saying is “He’s nice” or “He’s sweet” or “He’s handsome.” So, many guys assume, “It must be about being sweet and good looking. That’s the key to success with women.”
Yet, that’s not it at all.
You can actually make women feel attracted to you via things like your conversation style, the humor that you use, your body language, by displaying certain personality traits and behaviors and by responding in a certain way to the many tests that a woman will put a guy through when talking to him.
Women are always testing guys to see how confident a guy is, what sort of guy he is, what his intentions are and most guys fail those tests because they don’t even know what’s going on. Most guys don’t even know why a woman will behave in a challenging or cold way during a conversation, especially after everything seemed to be going so well between them.
Yet, women know exactly what is going on.
Women have a particular “girl code” that they run by and have many tests that they put guys through, but most guys just don’t know about it. When a woman suddenly seems to lose interest, he doesn’t know what to say or do and ends up saying and doing all the wrong things, which turn her off and ruin the dynamic between them.
Do You Need to Be a Bad Boy to Make Women Like You?
One thing that I want to point out here is that there is nothing wrong with being nice to a woman.
You can be a good guy, you can be polite, you can be well-mannered, you can be a gentleman, but ONLY if you are ALSO making the woman feel sexually attracted to you in many different ways.
If you’re only being a good, nice guy to her, then she’s only going to experience gentle, fond, friendly types of feelings for you. Those friendly feelings are not what cause a woman to have sex with you right now or begin a sexual relationship.
If you want a woman to want to have sex with you or begin a sexual relationship with her, you’ve got to say and do the things that will make her feel sexually attracted to you.
The Reason Why Being Too Nice to a Woman Often Leads to Rejection
The reason why being to nice a woman often leads to rejection is that it creates feelings of friendly affection, rather than sexual attraction.
Making her feel affection for you may cause her to want to be a friend to you, to include you in her life in some way or at least be nice to you, but it doesn’t make her want to start a sexual relationship with you.
What does make her feel like having sex with you or beginning a sexual relationship with you, is the exciting feeling of attraction. In addition to feeling attraction, she also wants to be in the presence of a guy who knows how to build up the sexual tension between himself and a woman.
Sexual tension: An exciting feeling that occurs when a man and woman feel sexual attraction for each other, but the escalation to sex is being delayed by them, the environment or circumstance (e.g. they work together, she is out partying with her friends and doesn’t want to look too easy in front of her friends by hooking up with him quickly, he is already in a relationship with another girl, etc).
For a guy, if he sees an attractive woman, he doesn’t need the sexual tension to build up because he’s willing to have sex with her right away. Generally speaking, most guys will see a woman and be willing to have sex with her just based on how she looks.
Yet, the way it works for a woman is that she wants the sexual tension to build up first (this can be done during a 10-20 minute interaction or over a few days if you work or study with a woman) and she will then be open to having sex.
She wants to experience and enjoy sexual tension based on how the guy is behaving and managing the dynamic in the interaction between them. It’s exciting for her and it makes her want to kiss and have sex to release all the built up sexual tension.
Some guys don’t like that requirement though.
They say, “No, no, no! I like her and I want to have sex and a relationship with her. I don’t want to have to create any sexual tension. I just want her to like me for being a good guy.”
But, that’s not what women want.
Women want to feel sexual attraction (not friendly affection) and they want to be with a guy who knows how to build up the sexual tension, so that when you actually do kiss and have sex, it’s an amazing, exciting, exhilarating release of all the built up sexual tension.
That’s what a woman really wants to experience.
Discover More Powerful Secrets of Natural Attraction
I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and learnt some useful tips and insights from it.
If you’d like to instantly discover how to naturally attract women in many different ways at once, as well as build up the sexual tension between you and a woman, then I welcome you to read my book The Flow. I welcome you to try it. The Flow comes with a 30 day money back guarantee and you are going to be blown away by the sorts of things that you learn in my book.
It took me YEARS to work out the secrets that I teach in The Flow, but you can learn it all in a matter of HOURS.
When you being using the simple-to-use techniques from The Flow in your interactions with women, you will see how attracted they are to you. You are going to be AMAZED at the way that women respond to you compared to how they’ve been responding to you so far.
…and you don’t need to become a bad boy to do it.
You don’t need to become a jerk or an asshole. You can be a good guy, but you are going to be a sexually attractive good guy. You’re going to be the sort of good guy who knows how to build up the sexual tension between himself and a woman and then release it with kissing and sex.
When you know how to do that, you become the guy that women are gushing about, talking about and wanting to be with. They will be saying, “He’s so sweet” or “He’s so nice” and other guys will be thinking, “What’s going on here? They like him because he’s nice? They like him because he’s sweet?”
…and they just won’t get it.
They won’t know that you’ve been making women feel sexual attraction for you (in many different ways at once), building up the sexual tension and then releasing it with kissing and sex.
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Hi Dan, great article yet again. Can I ask you to write a similar titled article (for not so nice me) “Why does being neutral to a woman often lead to rejection?”. I’m meeting a lot of women, but always unintentionally offend some with my words/actions. Also, a topic you may help out with, why do guys accidentally attract women they don’t fancy, and cannot manage to do the same with those they do? Thanks mate, will be great to hear from you!
About being neutral and getting rejected: I’ve just posted up an article that would fit into that category: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/what-is-flirting-and-why-does-it-turn-women-on-so-easily.html By being neutral, it sounds like you’re not showing any sexual interest. Check out that article and you will see why it’s so important. This one too: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/what-to-say-to-make-a-beautiful-woman-feel-attracted-to-you.html
About attracting women you don’t like: It sounds like you want to pick up more attractive women, but don’t yet have the ability to attract those women. Watch this: http://www.themodernman.com/videos/what-is-your-skill-level-with-women.html
You should come over to the UK, the women are so bitchy and unapproachable here. No being a good guy in the right way works over here, they only want bad guys, I’ve seen it first hand – like I was with a group of friends the other day and we were playing this quiz, a girl didn’t agree with her boyfriend on something and he said ‘oh, you whore’, like in a casual, didn’t give a shit, tone of voice way and she seemed to respond well to that, and they had their brief looking at each other private moment sort of thing. And then I have a female friend who told me a while back that her boyfriend dumped her for her being angry at him for cheating on her. It’s just fucking pathetic what women think they want these days.. in the next 10 years they’ll probably only want a guy who has a prison record or something.
Dude…most guys in this world are not bad boys, jerks or assholes! 🙂 Most of the guys that you see with women are good guys.
YES…some women will hook up with men who treat them badly, but that really is the minority (5% or less). In your version of reality, the majority of men are villains! Yet, in the actual version of reality, most people are good people. I hope that you will be able to see that one day.
Watch this: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/the-best-man-bad-boy-jerk-or-nice-guy.html
You don’t have to become a bad boy to attract women. However, just being a really nice guy isn’t the answer either. Women want a man who can make them feel attracted to his confidence and masculinity. You do not have to be a rude, mean, bad boy to attract women. I hope that you can understand that, rather than wasting more of your life thinking about women in that way.
I’m from London and I saw the confused comment from Jamal above and will chime in…
I too had the same types of mindsets as Jamal until I got your book and began using the techniques to attract women. I was the typical nice guy and I thought that anything other than being really nice was being bad or rude.
I thought was going through my life thinking that women wanted a bad boy type of guy because the guys they liked weren’t as nice as me, but I now know that is not true.
I am 10x more masculine now thanks to your book and advice and I’ve gotten myself a girlfriend.
I also got your relationship programme recently and it is brilliant. I think I will marry this girlfriend I have now so if you ever bring out any more programmes about love or sex or relationships please let me know.
Jamal, if you ever read my comment here, I want you to know that you are wrong about your assumptions of women. Women don’t want a bad guy.
Thanks for adding in your thoughts.
Congrats on getting a girlfriend. Yes, I will be making some new programs near the end of this year. I’m currently focussed on making as many new posts and videos as possible. I have a list that goes on forever with the topics of posts and videos I want to make!
All the best in the meantime Harry!
P.S. Jamal – feel free to reply. I am here to help you mate. Don’t waste your life thinking that women want a bad boy or a criminal for a boyfriend. You do not have to be a bad boy or be rude to women to get them to feel attracted to you. What I teach at The Modern Man is how to be a good guy who is ALSO attractive to women. Being nice is not good enough. Nice + attractive in your behavior is good enough.
Yeah maybe. But it’s a lot more than 5%, from what I’ve seen anyways. I’ve got a cousin who has been to jail before (although he’s not violent or anything) and he’s got the hottest wife out of all his brothers funnily enough, it seems like being a bad boy is the only way to go in this day and age, I can imagine that way the girl sees the guy as being the stronger one – all the PUAs seem to be encouraging it also; I’ve seen on some PUA site videos where the guy is outwardly swearing at the girl and she seems to be enjoying that stuff.. just seems pathetic to me.
Anyways moving on, I have a question –
I know you’re probably busy with a lot going on with your work for the site, but can you do an article specifically comparing nice guys, bad boys and themodernman approach, with conversation dialogues, mindset, etc from each 3 and the effect it would have on the girl?
I think it would help me see things better a lot better and also for other people too.
Thanks for your comment.
Lol…being a bad boy isn’t the answer my friend. The type of guy who is better than a bad boy is what women refer to as a real man. That is what I teach in my program, Better Than a Bad Boy: http://store.themodernman.com/better_than_a_bad_boy.html
I understand that from your perspective, you see that being a bad, rude man is the answer, but it isn’t. Most guys in this world are not bad men and they can easily attract women.
As for your question: That’s a great topic and it is essential for guys to learn, which is why it is taught in great detail in my 10 hour video program, Better Than a Bad Boy. I’ve already created all of that advice Jamal! 😀 It’s all ready and waiting for you in my programs.
I’ve been helping guys to become successful with women since 2005. Believe me, I have already answered all the questions you will ever have in my programs. All of the advice, techniques, mindsets and strategies are waiting for you in my structured programs.
I’ve learn a little bit about escalation techniques lately and I was wondering what ones you apply in:
By the way I’ve met 2 really hot girls at the gym and got both their numbers a couple of days ago. They were a day apart
The first one is REALLY hot and quite often busy and I don’t really know when to call her during the week (I’ve got dating power and I’ve tried calling her once but she was at a dinner with family)
The second one I haven’t called yet but I’ll be seeing her today at the gym (she’s the receptionist) and I’ll flirt with a little more before asking her out for drinks next week (got too many things planned this festive season)
But yeah it would really help if you could give me the advice on busy girl
By the way I’d also like to say thanks very much Dan, you’ve helped me a lot! I used to have social anxiety and a lot issues talking to women in general.
Now it’s a breeze and women are now talking to me, I found out the key to my success is to have a big stupid grin on my face and A LOT of energy when I’m in a club or bar environment
Cool, it sounds like you’re making great progress. Great to hear and congrats!
About the busy girl: Just follow up and when you do, use the technique from Dating Power that Ben explains to get her laughing and enjoying talking to you right away. Sometimes, a busy, hot girl will have a lot going on in her life and will need you to follow up and push her to get out on a date with you. Don’t give up on it unless she actually says, “Leave me alone!” because many times, a hot girl will need the extra push to get her out on a date.
Personally speaking, when I was seeing 4-5 women at once, they had to call me, come to see me and arrange dates to get me to spend time with them. That’s what happens when you’re in demand.
About your question about escalation techniques: For bars and nightclubs, guys can read The Flow http://store.themodernman.com/the_flow.html and watch Alpha Male Power http://store.themodernman.com/alpha_male_power.html Dating Power http://store.themodernman.com/dating_power.html and Better Than a Bad Boy http://store.themodernman.com/better_than_a_bad_boy.html to learn all that stuff. It’s way too complicated to be sitting here explaining in the comments.
About escalating in bookstores: That is explained in 21 Great Ways to Get a Girlfriend http://store.themodernman.com/21_great_ways_to_get_a_girlfriend.html
P.S. I like the part about the “big stupid grin.” I know exactly what you mean. It’s very disarming when you do that to women. They HAVE to smile because you don’t let go of your smile. Confidence with a smile is almost impossible for women to ignore for too long.
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