A guy named Michael is on his way to a first date with a woman that he met through a mutual friend.
He booked a table at an expensive restaurant and bought a dozen red roses to give her when they meet. He knows red roses are her favorite flowers because he asked his friend to find out what flowers she likes.
They have a nice meal, exchange some friendly conversation and then Michael begins to discuss where they should go on their second date. He says he knows a great restaurant that he would love to take her to. He then picks up the tab, of course.
He drives her home and walks her to her door, but doesn’t try to kiss her because, in his mind, that wouldn’t be the right thing to do on a first date. He’s worried about her thinking that he only wants her for sex, so he avoids kissing her to show how much he “respects” her.
Before he walks away, he says that he really likes her and about the great restaurant he was talking about and tells her that he’ll call tomorrow to confirm a date.
He calls her first thing the next morning and gets her voicemail, so he leaves a message. He tries a few more times over the course of the morning and leaves another message. He also and sends a text/SMS message just in case she didn’t get the voice messages.
She doesn’t call back during the day, but she finally picks up when he calls her again later that evening.
In a somber tone, she says something along the lines of, “Listen, Michael, I had a really nice time with you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out. You’re a nice guy, but I don’t think it will work.”
Why Did She Reject Him?
He didn’t focus on making her sexually attracted to him. He was the “perfect gentleman” and tried to get her to “like” him as a person, rather than being a good guy who also made her feel turned on by him and attracted to him.
Instead of having a relaxed approach to the dating process, he came on way too strong with a relationship vibe on their first date, which would be fine she was feeling a lot of sexual attraction for him, but she wasn’t feeling much at all.
If you go on a date with an attractive women, pretty much EVERY guy she dates wants to get her into a relationship and then marry her. They are so nice to her because she is attractive and they want to impress her, but they don’t realize that every guy is doing that to her.
There’s nothing wrong with being nice to a woman or being a gentleman, but a woman only cares about that stuff if she is sexually attracted to you. If your main approach to a woman is to be nice to her and hope that she likes you, most women won’t be interested.
Women want to feel sexually attracted to a guy and they also want to feel like they need to impress him and hopefully get a chance with him. Women refer to guys like that as a “challenge” and they love it. Women love the thrill of the case and they love to feel like they are getting a guy who isn’t easy to attract and seduce into a relationship.
5 Mistakes That Ruined the Date
Let’s have a deeper look at where “Michael” went wrong with his date…
Mistake 1: Giving Her a Gift
Giving her roses may have seemed like a romantic gesture, but on a first date it’s a gesture that seems out of place in today’s world.
Flowers or gifts were a good idea back in the time when women had to rely on a man to support them because they couldn’t get a high paying job, or in most cases, any job. A gift or flowers was a good sign that the man could support her and offer her a good life.
Yet, that was the past.
In today’s world, women don’t like to be treated as a possession that the man will be buying or “earning.” To most modern women, a upfront gift on a first date seems desperate, tacky and outdated.
It comes across in a way where the guy is trying too hard to impress her, rather than allowing his natural personality (what women are most interested in when it comes to a man) to impress her. Watch this video to understand why…
Women aren’t impressed by guys who feel like they need to buy a woman or impress a woman with external things (e.g. gifts, boasting about his career, driving a flashy car, etc).
She doesn’t want to feel like a guy is basically saying, “I don’t think that I’m good enough for you as I am, so hopefully I can distract you with all these gifts, dinners and boasting about my career…and then maybe you will like me enough to give me a chance with you.”
When it comes to gifts, most women want to earn the privilege of getting a gift from a a man, rather than been given one immediately for doing nothing other than going on a first date.
Mistake 2: Being Ashamed of His Normal Self
There’s nothing wrong with eating at an expensive restaurant, but if the woman gets the sense that a guy is doing it to hopefully buy her attraction and interest, it will usually backfire and make her lose respect and attraction for him instead.
For the sake of this example, let’s say that Michael is the sort of guy who normally doesn’t go to expensive restaurants. The woman wants to get to know the real him, but because of his insecurity and lack of belief in his attractiveness to women, she now has to adapt to a “high society” environment and watch Michael pretend to be something he’s not.
He would have rather eaten at a local cafe restaurant that he usually goes to, but he thought that it would be impressive enough for her, so he went to an expensive restaurant that was three times the price.
These days, women don’t want you to buy them. Sure, there are some women out there who are money hungry whores who are looking to take every last penny or dime from you. That’s true. However, the majority of women just want to find a man who makes them feel attraction, respect and then guides them towards love.
Most guys that women meet don’t even know how to make women feel attracted and hope to be “liked” for being nice, spending a lot of money on dates or being a good friend. Women want to feel sexual attraction.
If you can make women feel sexually attracted to you, then anything else you do (even just taking her out for a walk by the beach, eating a burger or watching a movie) becomes 100x more enjoyable than going on a boring, friendly date with a guy who is splurging loads of money in the hopes that it makes her “like” him.
If you want to buy a woman’s affection, go and hire a prostitute for an hour. If you want a woman to love you for YOU, then make her attracted to YOU as a man. Turn her on with your confidence, charisma and charm…all of which is free and lasts a lifetime.
If the current version of you isn’t attractive to women (i.e. you lack confidence around women you find attractive, you don’t know how to properly flirt with women, you lack charisma, you’re not an alpha male, etc), then learn how to be more attractive to women.
Being able to trigger feelings of attraction inside of a woman is the most important skill that a guy needs to be successful with women. Here’s why…
Mistake 3: Making Plans For a Second Date, While on the First Date
Michael was already trying to convince her to have another date with him, even before their first date was over.
No matter how well you think the date is going, making plans for a second date while you’re on a first date is not a good move. If you make it obvious that you’re totally hooked on her already, you take away the thrill of the chase that a woman YEARNS to experience with a guy.
She wants to have to chase you a bit and impress you, rather than feeling like you will accept her no matter what she says or does.
To a woman, if there is no chase involved in the courtship, you’re not worth catching because you are probably feeling desperate to get ANY half-decent woman. A quality woman wants a man who has the confidence and belief in himself to reject the majority of women that he doesn’t want, so he can be available for minority of high quality women that he does want.
Most guys can’t do that though because they don’t know how to attract women. Then, when any half-decent woman shows some interest, he jumps all over it and hopes to get a chance with her.
When a guy does know how to attract women, he knows that most of the women he meets feel attracted to him. When he sees that, he can then confidently raise his standards and only accept the types of women that he is truly attracted to.
Mistake 4: Not Kissing Her
Unfortunately, Michael behaved like a gentleman from an old black and white movie…and thought he was doing the “right thing.”
In today’s world, if a man is attracted to a woman and wants to kiss her, he kisses her. The fact is, if a woman is attracted to you, she wants you to kiss her.
If you walk her to her door and don’t kiss her, she doesn’t think, “Wow! What a gentleman I’m so lucky!” she thinks, “Okay, he doesn’t find me attractive” or, “He isn’t confident and didn’t want to risk kissing me in case I didn’t like him.”
In old romance novels, a gentleman may have asked a lady for permission to kiss her, but in today’s world, asking a woman if you can kiss her will completely kill the moment and turn her off.
She’s not looking for a fictional character from a black and white movie who will court her slowly and then eventually work up the courage to kiss her. In a recent study, 55% of couples admitted that they had sex on their first date.
SEX on the first date, not just kissing.
In other words, most women are completely open to being kissed and having sex on the first date. Personally speaking, I’ve always either kissed or had sex with women on the first night or first date. Only about 20% of women required a second date before we had sex.
In Michael’s case, he was behaving like a gentleman from 1905 and hoping to impress the woman by being so respectful. Unfortunately for Michael, no-one had told him that the world had changed.
Mistake 5: Repeatedly Calling Her the Next Day.
In addition to signaling his eager desire for another date while still on their first date, Michael called her the next day, left a couple of voice messages and sent a text message just to be 100% sure that she knew he was calling.
From his perspective, he wanted her to know how serious he was. Yet, from her perspective, his actions not only took away the thrill of the chase, but it also made him appear totally desperate.
Here’s the thing…
Women like to complain about guys who don’t call them (e.g. you will often hear this in female pop songs and overhear women talking about it when discussing a guy that they can’t lock down into a relationship), but in reality they instinctively crave the thrill of the chase and ENJOY it when they have to work to keep a guy interested.
If a guy is worth having, a woman knows that she’s going to have to work at getting his attention. Other women will feel attracted to him and she will have to impress him enough to get him to choose her.
Yet, if a guy doesn’t even know how to make her feel attracted AND he is super keen on her, she will conclude that he is the sort of guy that isn’t worth the effort. She wants a guy that is more of a catch and someone that she has to hopefully get a chance with.
At this point, some guys reading this who don’t understand how attraction works may ask, “Why do women want to play silly mind games? Why can’t I just like a girl, tell her I like her and then she likes me and we start a relationship?”
Simple: It’s not about her liking you.
You have to make her feel attracted to you and you also have to understand the subtleties of “modern romance.” It’s not 1905 where women had to remain a virgin until marriage and then stay with one man for life.
In today’s world, a woman can do whatever she wants. She can kiss and sleep with guys until she is 30 or even 40 years old if she likes. The society around her approves of it.
Yet, deep down, she still wants to experience love and have a committed relationship. She wants to be with a guy who knows how to deepen the love, respect and attraction that she feels for him. If he can do that, she will get into a relationship with him, marry him and stay with him for life.
However, if a guy doesn’t know how to deepen her feelings over time and instead says and does things that ruin her respect, love and attraction for him – she isn’t obligated to stay with him for life. She can leave if she wants to.
In today’s world, a guy not only needs to be able to attract women (so he can choose the right woman for him, rather than accepting whatever he can get and then trying to make it work with a woman who isn’t compatible with him), he also needs to know how to deepen a woman’s love, respect and attraction for him in a relationship.
These days, you can’t just expect a woman to want to be with you because you’re a good guy. You also need to be able to make her feel sexually attracted because she doesn’t have to select a guy based on how nice he is and how well set up he is to support her.
You also can’t expect a woman to stick around if the relationship loses its spark. You’ve got to be able to deepen the love, respect and attraction that you feel for each other. When you know how to do that, you will become one of those couples who are still madly in love 30-40 years into a relationship.
Trying to Make Her Feel Special in the Wrong Way
Some guys try to make a woman feel “special” by being really nice to her, buying her gifts, complimenting her, taking her to expensive places, etc. However, a woman only appreciates that sort of thing if she feels sexually attracted to him.
If a woman gets the sense that a guy can’t attract other women and is hoping to “get a chance” with her, she will become suspicious about why he is being so nice. She will feel like she’d almost be doing him a favor by continuing to date him, which is not what women want to feel.
On the other hand, if a woman can tell that you can easily attract other women, she will feel special that you’re being nice to her. How can she tell that you can easily attract other women? Simple. If the way that you talk to her and interact with her turns her on, she will know that many other women will feel the same way.
Most guys don’t know how to actively attract women during a conversation and simply rely on hoping to “get lucky.” Women know when they meet one of the rare guys who actually knows how to make them feel attracted.
A woman wants to feel lucky to be with a guy who could have other women, but is deciding to commit his love, energy and time to her. That is what makes her feel special.
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So Dan we should give women gifts if they only do something good to us.That is as a token of appreciation to their best behavior towards us.Is that what you mean?
Yes, you should reward women for good behavior, but not with paid gifts.
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two months and she has been absolutely amazing to me, but I haven’t bought her any gifts. My gift to her is ME. I’ll get her something on special occasions if we celebrate it, but apart from that, she gets a much more enjoyable present in having a real man to be with.
She orgasms when have sex (like pretty much every other girl I’ve been with since working out the stuff that I teach in Better Than a Bad Boy), she laughs, she cries tears of joy, feels warm and loved when we cuddle up to watch a movie together, she get excited when she cooks for me and smiles and kisses me when I tell her what I think of her cooking.
As I explained in the article, don’t try to buy a woman gifts or take her to expensive restaurants to buy your way into her heart. Instead, open her heart to deep and wonderful love by being a real man. If you don’t know how to do that, I recommend that you watch Better Than a Bad Boy.
Thank you now I GET IT
Dan….what do you do when your walking on the street with a girl you want, and while your walking someone she knows ask her to come wherever he is? And your left alone!! And I was so embarassed not knowing what to do!! And I’m sorry I know the topic is not of what iv asked!!
Thanks for your question.
You behaved like a classic “omega male” in that situation. Read: http://www.themodernman.com/dating/the-consequences-of-not-being-an-alpha-male.html If you refuse to become an alpha male, you can expect to experience situations like that for the rest of your life. Additionally, if your woman notices that you are worried or embarrassed about situations like that, she will lose respect and attraction for you.
If you’re wondering what you should have done, how you should have thought and what you should have said instead, I recommend you watch Alpha Male Power. All of that kind of stuff is explained in the program.
Wow thanks so much DAN
You’re welcome mate!
Great article, really great. I love your writing style and how your text flows from one point to another, it’s really great work. It leaves me wondering what else you could offer. I’ll certainly take a look when I’ve got more free time.
Keep up the great work!
Thanks for your positive feedback. Glad you’re enjoying the articles!
P.S. Thanks for letting me know about the typo in the article. I removed that part of your comment and have fixed my typo! Cheers.
Dan, my father says always to me:”My son, study hard and get good grades, so you can become a doctor. Then you’ll have your choice with girls. They will like you!”
He then goes on to tell me that money is important to for women…and you expect me to deveolop TRUE confidence when I’ve got people with high levels of insecurities all around me, pretty much all the time!
There’s nothing wrong with striving to achieve things in life, but don’t do it to impress women. If you do things only to impress women, they will notice and play harder to get. They’ll see how far they can push you before you believe in yourself as you are.
Now I understand why i didn’t get past the first date with more than one girl in the past year. I have been in impressing mode rather than confidence mode. Is it possible that the girls I went on a date with didn’t follow up because I paid for everything on the first date like a little good boy lol? I took them to nice restaurants by the way. Because i remember when i was younger having better success with girls and i didn’t even try lol. I used to go on dates and not even care and the girl just was obsessed with me. I would go to places that didn’t even cost money and had the best time ever. Can classy restaurants make the situation too formal and awkward?
One more question: Do you always wait for obvious signs of her liking you before asking her on a date? Because maybe that’s where i have been missing it. I have been getting numbers and calling but i haven’t been getting follow ups because maybe they weren’t attracted to me in the beginning! I had a girl even lie about how her phone broke haha! It was funny yet frustrating at the same time. Thanks brother for your help. I read “The Flow” and started getting better.
Thanks for your question.
No, it wouldn’t have been because you paid like a good little boy, it would have been that you behaved like a good little boy. No, classy restaurants won’t ruin things IF you are a confident, masculine guy and IF that is an appropriate environment for you and her.
BTW: You’re the first guy who has read The Flow and gone on to make such a basic mistake as this, “i haven’t been getting follow ups because maybe they weren’t attracted to me in the beginning!” Joshua – I recommend you read The Flow again now that you’ve had some more experience under your belt. As I explain in the book, you must actually USE the techniques I provide.
I have had this female friend of mine for about 3 years now.During our 2nd year she used to make complains of me not calling her and abandoning her and we even got to a time that she was always telling me about guys which she had crushes on. Getting to the end of our 2nd year she stopped telling me all these things and barely called me! It was during this period that i felt that i had fallen in love with her. I didn’t have the confidence to tell her directly and did it through text messaging. Her behaviour towards me has totally changed and she now uses a picture of she and a different guy as her facebook profile picture even though that particular guy lives very far away from her and they only get to chat on phone. She still tells me she appreciates everything i have done for her and she still continues to rely on me and not the other guy whenever she needs something. But whenever i tell her that am in love with her all that she says is she has heard me! Am desperate! What should i do Dan? Please help me!!!
Thanks for your question.
So, even after reading this article, you still don’t get it? Man, you have a lot to learn! 🙂
Watch this video: http://www.themodernman.com/videos/turn-your-female-friend-or-co-worker-into-your-girlfriend.html
Dan I have been a player for almost 2 years now and come acros lots of women players and left them al heart broken but I come acros this lady and I know she is a player and also know she broke a lot of guys hearts so I wanted to teach her a lesson but the big suprise is I starting to get feelings for her and that is the worst thing to get when playing the game. She wants to see me a lot and when whe see each other it is going amazing but as soon as whe split like she is going home I don’t send her a text until the next day and also only leave one txt so I don’t come desperate in viewing sense but the thing is she is giving me the silent treatment until se feels like meeting again. So I need your advice what can I do to turn the tables around. Sorry for the long text…..
Thanks for your question.
The answer is simple: Stop playing and start being real. You can’t fake your way to success with women, especially women like that. If you’re not fully interested, it needs to be real or else women like that will catch you out in your game. The Modern Man approach is about being real, rather than playing games. If you want to learn how we do it and how we make women like that desperate for us, watch Better Than a Bad Boy: http://store.themodernman.com/in/2cf8a89
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