So, how do you get the spark back in a relationship? More importantly, how do you maintain the sexual spark and make it grow over time? A lot of guys have written in, asking me questions like, “How do I get my girlfriend (or wife) to want more sex?” and in almost every case, the guy has set up the relationship dynamic incorrectly. Before we get into discussing the correct dynamic that should exist between you and your girlfriend or wife, let's have a look where things tend to go wrong for most modern couples.
Here are some common scenarios that take a toll on relationships and drain all of the fun and sexual desire out of them, as well as some tips on how to turn up the heat from fizzle to sizzle.
The Issue: Too Much To Do
Let’s face it, today’s women are often just as busy in their lives as we men are. They can have demanding jobs, a home to take care of and clean up, children to take care of, community and extended family responsibilities and so forth. Sleep, rather than sex, is usually what happens in the bedroom of most modern couples and that’s often the beginning of when things start to fall apart.
The Solution: Divide and Conquer
The ideal scenario is where the man is the breadwinner and the woman can take care of all the household chores, grocery shopping and so on. In this type of relationship, she can also be free to spend time on her favorite hobby, artistic endeavor or any other dream she wants to pursue. However, in today's economy, most of us need to share the costs of rent/mortgage, groceries and living costs with our girlfriend or wife. So, let's assume that you fall into the category where both you and your woman are working full time and are both the breadwinners in your relationship.
To avoid feeling overwhelmed and feeling as though you don't have enough time to relax and get into the mood for sex, you should try to balance out any “work around the house” that needs to be done. Make a list of what must be done, what should be done and what you can put on the back-burner for a little while. Then, divide up the tasks so that all of the responsibilities – cleaning, household chores, paying bills, making meals, shopping, vehicle maintenance, childcare, errands, etc. – doesn’t primarily fall on only one person.
A lot of modern couples unintentionally cause serious problems in their relationship by stressing out over tasks that don't really need to be completed immediately. So, make sure you set aside some time one night with your girlfriend or wife to make a list of what really needs to be done vs. things that can wait. Once you have that clarity, it will immediately alleviate a lot of stress for both of you, which will then allow you both to naturally feel like you have the time to relax and be in the mood for sex.
While doing “work” around the house, you should also engage in some foreplay every now and then. For instance, if you both happen working around the house at the same time, play some of your favorite music and occasionally stop to dance together if a great song comes on. Take your time and savor the moment together. Give each other that happiness. If you're washing the car together, have some fun by splashing each other with water and rolling around on the ground together as you playfully wrestle with her.
The Issue: She's Rarely in the Mood For Sex
As I explain in Better Than a Bad Boy, a woman will lose her interest in having sex with you if she can't rely on you to be the man in your relationship with her. If she feels mentally and emotionally stronger than you, feels like she has more purpose in life than you do and feels as though she has to mother you, then she will rarely be in the mood for sex. If you're one of the guys who are wondering how you can get your girlfriend or wife to want more sex, there is a 100% chance that your woman holds the bulk of the power in your relationship. You will always be wondering how to get the spark back in any relationship you enter into. Set things up correctly and you won't have to worry about that anymore.
The Solution: Create a Relationship Dynamic Where She Chases You For Sex
If you want to know how to get your girlfriend or wife to want more sex from you, watch Better Than a Bad Boy. When you follow the advice in that program, you will amazed at how your girlfriend or wife suddenly changes her tune toward you and wants to please you in every way she can. You will no longer be asking, “How can I make my wife want more sex?” because it will now be her wondering how she can please you better and hopefully get more and more sex from you each week. When most guys start looking into how to get the spark back in a relationship, they envision themselves doing more and more work to please the woman. Yet, the easiest way to do it, is to create a relationship dynamic where she feels lucky to be having sex with you and is continually trying to please you and get more sex from you.
The Issue: “No Time” for Romance
These days, people often have so much on their plate that even if they've got their life perfectly organized, sex and romance just doesn’t fit into the “weekly plan.” However, somehow most of those people seem to be able to find the time to hang out with friends, play sports, work on a hobby, watch a favorite TV show or include something similar into their schedule. So, why do they complain about not having time for sex or romance? The reason is that they are avoiding opportunities for "romance" and foreplay because there is little or no sexual tension left in their relationship.
The Solution: Create an Endless Supply of Sexual Tension in Your Relationship
Amateur relationship advice will suggest that you should “schedule” time for sex at specific times of the day or of the week. However, that will only lead to more boredom and feeling as though you have another chore to do, especially if you've had a busy or stressful week. TV talk show hosts, radio DJs, people who don't know what they're talking about and people who feel the need to be politically correct, will often tell you that you should do lots of nice things for her. Run her a bath, make a candlelight dinner and go on a picnic. Blah! How about her doing things to get YOU in the mood? How about her giving YOU a massage, cooking YOU a nice dinner and giving YOU the best oral sex she's ever given you?
The fact is, sex comes naturally and easily in a relationship when the right dynamic is established and then maintained between the man and the woman. If you listen to the politically-correct advice pushed by TV and the movies, which tells you that your relationship with your woman should be 50/50 and you should be neutral “partners,” rather than oppositely-charged masculine and feminine beings, then your sex life will surely die as soon as the initial lust fades away. You need to create the right type of relationship dynamic and it is certainly not one where you are being a "good boy" in the hope of getting her in the mood. That approach to your relationship will only lead to problems, since women are naturally repulsed by the weak, pandering behavior of men and naturally attracted to the confident, masculine, leader type behavior of men.
At the start of a relationship, it will feel like there is a "spark" because you will both be getting off on the physical pleasure and new emotional pleasure of being with each other. However, for the spark to remain in a relationship, sexual tension needs to be continually recharged, unleashed (by having sex) and then recharged once again. It's an endless cycle that leads to the deepening of love and the strengthening of your deep heart connection with each other. Only when you are truly in love and connected on a deep level will your relationship be protected by the temptations of cheating and the sadness of boredom with each other. Instead, you will fall deeper and deeper in love and go through the different levels of love, rather than remaining stuck at a certain level.
Sexual desire cannot continue to exist in your relationship if both you and your woman are equal/neutral. For sexual desire to exist, there needs to be a more masculine person and a more feminine person in the relationship. If the man is the more feminine one in the relationship, the woman will typically withhold sex and will only have sex when she absolutely wants it. Even then, it will be on her terms and if the man doesn't perform in accordance with her instructions, she will become irritated. However, if the man is the more masculine one, the woman will be chasing him for sex and he will decide when she gets it.
Here, at The Modern Man, we believe in the more traditional balance of power in a relationship, where the man is clearly the man and the woman is clearly the woman. From our research and experience, such a dynamic leads to the most happiness, love and sexual desire. The advice we provide creates a relationship dynamic where the woman is chasing you for sex and going out of her way to please you all the time. This creates an endless source of sexual tension as she tries to please you and you then reward her by giving her your focussed sexual energy when you decide so.
The Issue: She Doesn't Feel Excited About Sex With You Anymore
Romantic relationships fall apart when there is no sexual desire because often, being “good friends” just isn't enough to sustain a relationship in modern society. In the past, couples would stay together unhappily, to avoid the shame of a break up or divorce. However, in today's world, unless both the man and the woman feel satisfied, they are often encouraged (by TV, co-workers and even family) to break up. So, what do you if your girlfriend or wife just doesn't feel excited about having sex with you anymore? How do you save your relationship (or marriage) before it's too late?
The Solution: Make Her Your Woman, Not Your Friend
Unlike the politically-correct advice you will hear on TV, what works in real relationships is a more traditional approach. Don't be fooled by the entertaining scripts of TV sitcoms, movies and TV advertisements. A woman wants to be your woman, not your friend or buddy. Sure, you will have a companionship in addition to the sexual relationship, but if you treat her like your buddy, the sexual charge is guaranteed to die.
One of the keys to creating a relationship dynamic where your girlfriend/wife feels like your woman, is to have a life purpose other than just your relationship with her. When you actually have a real purpose in your life other than your relationship, your woman will feel special when she gets to spend time with you. However, if your life is pretty much just about you and her "hanging out" and paying bills together, she will feel smothered, bored, restless and as though she is with half a man. When women refer to a man as being a “real man” he is never the type of guy who hides away from the world behind his relationship with a woman. A real man is a man who knows what he wants and goes after it fearlessly. It's an incredible turn on for a woman to stand beside a man like that.
In the ideal relationship dynamic, the man is focused on something extremely important to him; his life purpose. When he gives his attention to his woman, she has it completely, but when he is focused on his purpose, he literally cannot even see her. He will only pay her attention for short periods of time (to recharge the sexual tension, by allowing her to try to get his attention) and then he will get back to working on or working towards his purpose. The woman will continually go out of her way to look sexy for him, hoping to get more of his attention and focused, sexual energy. Compare this relationship dynamic to that of a man who doesn't really know what he's aiming for in life and gives her his vague, slightly-guarded sexually energy and focus. Compare this also to a man who just wants to hang out with his girlfriend/wife and let life pass him by, without ever stepping up to reach his true potential as a man.
If you want to learn more about this topic and how to create the ultimate relationship dynamic that is full of love, happiness, amazing sex and fulfilling companionship, watch Better Than a Bad Boy.
The Issue: Same Sex, Different Day
It’s not necessarily that you’re not having sex with her, but it’s just getting boring. Somehow you can pretty much guess how long the sex is going to take, what you’ll do to each other and, possibly even if you both “get off,” so it’s just not as exciting as either of you would like it to be. She knows what to expect from you and, unlike when you first met, you just don't seem to find her that sexy anymore.
The Solution: Make Her Feel Like the Sexiest Woman on Earth
There are specific techniques that I teach in The Modern Relationship that will cause a woman to want to continually look and behave in sexier and more seductive ways for you, to the point where she feels like she is the sexiest woman on Earth. One of the many techniques I teach is to reward her when she behaves in a sensual way, or presents herself in an erotic way. I won't go into detail on how to do it and what to say (that is revealed in The Modern Relationship), but I will explain why it keeps your sex life exciting, highly desirable and fulfilling.
When a woman feels sexy around you, she feels happy and content in her relationship (Note: This only works if you have set up the right relationship dynamic, where she feels lucky to be having sex with you and where you hold the power. If she is the more powerful one in the relationship, it will just be another reason for her to consider dumping you). As for how it benefits you, when you are with a woman that you find incredibly sexy, you feel happy and content in your relationship also. The constant cycle of her trying to look sexier and behaving in suggestive ways makes you both happier and more satisfied, because you are rewarding her when she “does her thing.” So, you benefit by getting a desirable woman out of it and she benefits by continuing to feel sexy, wanted and loved by her man.
The Issue: You Don't Know What She Really Wants
Some women have a list of fantasies they'd love to play out with you, but most women are too shy to explain or own up to them, especially if the fantasy involves you being a bit rough or using a sexual position or move that you might think is “too much” or possibly even “demeaning.” However, we all have our wild side and the more you try to smother it down and sweep it under the carpet, the more unsatisfied both of you will secretly feel.
The Solution: Let Her Tell You About Her Fantasies in Other Ways
Almost all women don't actively watch porn on their own because women aren't turned on in the same way as we men are. Women are turned on by other things. (If you don't know what those things are, watch Better Than a Bad Boy). However, most girlfriends/wives are definitely open to watching porn with you, for the purpose of learning new moves and hearing what you'd like her to try. While doing so, she can also point out some things that she'd like to receive from you once in a while. Encourage her to tell you by getting her to say what turns her on the most during the “movie.”
Another way to discover her true fantasies in her sexual relationship with you, is to ask what her favorite sexy Hollywood movies are that have turned her on. Ask her about her favorite sexy movie scenes and if you're not familiar with the movie, rent it and watch it by yourself. Then, try to bring that sort of vibe or sexual experience into your relationship with her. Often, you will find that it is extremely enjoyable for you too, because it will be something you've possibly never done with her or rarely do.
As you can see, there’s no need to end a relationship simply because of sexual boredom. With a few, fundamental changes to your relationship dynamic and by understanding your woman on a deeper level, the dwindling fire of your relationship will soon be white hot once again.