Sadly, too often I hear from men who complain about their lack of a love life, but when I dig a little deeper by asking a few questions, I usually discover that the real reason these men don’t have a woman is that they don’t approach enough women or go out on enough dates.
Most of these men are really good guys who have good intentions when it comes to women.
Many are also intelligent, down–to-earth, honest guys who deserve a great woman (or many great women), but for many reasons (some of which I’ll discuss in this article), they are afraid to approach and date women.
Afraid to Approach
Women aren’t going to kill a guy for approaching them, but that doesn’t matter to a guy who suffers from a fear of approaching. He may know that it’s silly to be worried about what might happen, but he can’t help himself from feeling nervous, anxious or afraid.
He might tell himself, “Don’t worry about it…just approach and say hi,” but his anxiety and fear almost always feel more powerful than his desire to approach. Week after week, month after month, he sees women that he’d love to meet, but never has the courage to follow through and make something happen.
Hiding From What Needs to Be Done
Guys who have a fear of approaching and dating women will often try to avoid places where they could meet and talk with single women. If people ask why they’re not out there meeting women, they’ll usually come up with an endless list of reasons why they don’t have time to date (i.e. busy with work, study, family commitments, community responsibilities, etc).
Yet, what is really going on is that the guy doesn’t want to face the possibility of being rejected and then feeling horrible about himself for weeks or months on end. Instead, he hides away from approaching and meeting women and then masturbates often to dull his built up sexual desire for women.
No matter how many porn videos he jerks off too, the desire just keeps coming back week after week. He sees other guys happy with real women and wishes that he could have that too, but he’s afraid of being hurt.
It’s the potential for rejection that scares a lot of guys, but what really puts the fear in a guy and makes him avoid approaching and dating women are the horrible feelings he experiences after a rejection.
For instance, sometimes a man will contact me here at The Modern Man and explain that he built up the courage to approach a woman, she rejected him and now he’s not comfortable approaching any other women at all. However, what these guys don’t realize is:
- No man is compatible with every woman on the planet.
- Not every woman is single when you approach her and that is NOT your fault. You would be silly to take that as a personal rejection. She simply isn’t available.
- When a man is good with women and has his choice of women, he too rejects offers from women as well.
- The main reason women reject men is because the men approach them incorrectly and go against the flow of a natural sexual courtship.
Doubting Yourself on a Date
In addition to the many guys who are afraid of approaching women, there are also many guys who set up dates with women, but then cripple themselves with feelings of self-doubt about whether the girl actually likes him or not.
I’ve heard so many cases where a woman has happily agreed to go out on a date with a guy, but then the “voice in his head” starts giving the guy a huge list of reasons why he’ll never make it past the first date. He also sits around worrying that she might call and cancel the first date before it happens.
In his mind, he doesn’t feel worthy enough for the woman and sees dating as a nerve-wracking experience where has to hopefully get lucky. Yet, that’s not how it works.
To be successful with women, you simply need to know how to make them feel attracted to you. When a woman is attracted to you, she is going to be interested. So, there is nothing to worry about.
Many guys make the mistake of thinking that they have to be LIKED by a woman, but what you really need to do is make her feel sexually ATTRACTED to you. When a guy doesn’t realize that, he often tries too hard to be liked as a person and comes across as the typical nice guy.
Watch this video for more info…
Taking the Matter “Into His Own Hands”
No matter how much a man decides to avoid approaching and dating women, his sexual desire for women NEVER goes away.
He can try to blank it out by burying himself in work, going to the gym excessively, masturbating regularly (or excessively), drinking or taking drugs, watching loads of TV or spending hours playing a computer game or participating in real life sports, but the missing piece of an actual real life woman never gets filled.
It’s an empty feeling.
You don’t have a beautiful, sweet, loving woman cuddling you and saying with heartfelt sincerity, “I love you so much.” No computer game or TV show can give you the indescribable pleasure that you experience when you and a woman truly love each other.
Additionally, no porn movie can ever come close to giving you the pleasure of having a real, beautiful woman right there with you, bouncing up and down on your “you know what” and screaming out your name in pure ecstasy.
Unfortunately, too many of the men who are afraid of approaching and dating women will revert to having an empty relationship with porn. As their sexual urges rise up during the week, they will “get rid of them” by watching porn and dulling their desires once again.
When they see a woman in real life, they will feel attraction, but their unwillingness to face their fears and become the man they really should be will ensure that they hide away from her in fear as usual.
While everyone else is living a normal, healthy life and having real sex and enjoying love and companionship, the guys who are afraid of women stay alone with their pain.
They look on with sadness and feel left out when they see couples walking along hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm or in a loving embrace and wonder, “Why don’t I have that? Why don’t women like me?” never realizing the simple truth that I first told a client, coaching him over the phone, around five years ago. I said, “You can’t have a girlfriend if you don’t talk to women and escalate to a phone number, kiss, sex or a date.”
It sounds very simple, but in life, often the simplest things are overlooked by the smartest of people.
No Man is Compatible With Every Woman on the Planet
Guys who suffer from a fear of dating are worried about being rejected. They’ve usually made a few attempts to approach and escalate with women, but because it didn’t work out they begin to assume that women don’t like them and they are probably “doomed for life” when it comes to women.
The simple truth is that no man is compatible with every woman on the planet. If you want to be more compatible with more women, you have to become the type of man that women desperately want to be with.
No man is “doomed for life” when it comes to women.
Any guy can learn how to actively attract a woman when he meets her and then deepen her feelings of love, respect and attraction over time when in a relationship.
Here’s how I turned my life around and became so attractive to women that a hot, young woman proposed marriage to me. We’re now married and are happier than ever.
Don’t Look Back in Regret
Over the years, I’ve been contacted by so many older men who have said that they wish something like The Modern Man was around for them when they were in their “hey-day” so to speak.
They’ve told me that much of their life has been spent alone or spent wallowing in self-pity after a woman broke up with them. Now that their life is slipping away and they are heading towards old age, they look back with a sick feeling of regret when they realize how much they missed out on with women.
At the same time, I’ve also been contacted by thousands of guys who say that they’ve been having the time of their lives with women since using my advice.
The question is: How will you let your life play out? Are you going to let a fear of not meeting a compatible women, EVERY time you approach a woman, stop you from enjoying all the love and sex that you deserve?
Will you be looking back in regret at the life you let slip away because you were too afraid to stand up and be the strong man you know you can be? The choice is yours.
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Hi Dan. Thanks for the article, it felt you were describing me!! I do have a question though, do you recommend that I move out of my comfort zone and go to clubs & bars to meet women on my own? I ask as all my friends are already in relationships or married & therefore can’t or are not allowed to accompany me. I do fear rejection after a few failed relationships & worry I may come across as “creepy” – single man on his own & approaching women in bars or even appear desperate. All I want is for hot women to notice & want me. Best regards SJ – U.K
Thanks for your positive feedback. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
I don’t recommend that you go out on your own to approach women. It’s too difficult to do when you are first learning the ropes because there is already enough pressure on you, so when women start asking, “Who are you here with?” and “Did you come out alone?” it can really mess with a guy’s confidence and willingness to meet more women. I’d recommend you make some new friends to go approaching with. Read this: http://www.themodernman.com/social/friendship/making_new_friends.html
Additionally, some of the 21 Great Ways to Get a Girlfriend will also give you an opportunity to make new friends: http://store.themodernman.com/products/21_great_ways_to_get_a_girlfriend.php
I do man but um not afraid of approaching them,I just happen to choke
Yes, good point. I should have also mentioned guys like you in this article. There are many guys who give it a shot by working up the courage to approach, but then they get all nervous and choke when they’re in the midst of the conversation/interaction. I’ve already created a program for guys like you and it’s called Coaching Call Breakthroughs. Watch the intro video on this page for more info: http://www.themodernman.com/videos/coaching-call-breakthroughs.html
Where do other guys/people get there social confidence from?
I hear you guys say all the time that most guys don’t approach women and most guys fumble there way into relationships so why haven’t I?
These last two months I’ve been approaching women like a machine I’ve approached almost 80+ women and doing stuff that most guys would never do yet my confidence is still rock bottom, huh what gives? When I began this process I thought ok cool just approach a truck load of women and all that social experience will bleed down and effect my mindsets but it hasn’t i’m still the same guy with the same insecure mindsets. When I’m in a group of guys I’m still one of the weakest guys there where do other guys get there confidence from if there not approaching women? One of my best friends doesn’t even talk to women and he’s still more relaxed, composed and confidence than me.
I take enough action, I work on my mindsets, still no girlfriend still no changes, still the same guy.
Thanks for your question.
However, your predicament doesn’t surprise me. I see no record of you purchasing any of expert advice, so who knows what amateur advice you’ve been following. If you’d been using our Confidence Building System (taught in Dating Power and Coaching Call Breakthroughs), you would be super confident right now AND hooking up with women.
There is a process that you need to go through to eliminate insecurities and replace them will secure, confident mindsets. If you don’t go through that process properly, it just won’t happen, no matter how many approaches you do. I recommend you learn from us and do this thing properly. Our advice works so well because we always test it and perfect it for YEARS before releasing it to the public via a program. Here is what we went through to create Dating Power: http://www.themodernman.com/the_truth_about_dating_power.html
This article is interesting. Guys who read this may discover why they really can be poor in the dating scene, and yet, they’d have thought about it that way. Reading through this a couple of times now, I question if my lack of skill was always because of self-resentment for failing in my previous (and my only) relationship. My ex even went as far to confess her reason for wanting to dump me (“I was not strong enough!”) Years have passed now and I’m actually thankful a girl was that honest. In summary, I think a guy may also fear dating for concern they will experience the exact same pain and ‘low-ranking male’ feelings as a result of being dumped.
What is the secret to being a likeable person that people want to spend time with? I’ve thought about it and the only conclusion I have come to is you have to be of high social standing for other people to eagerly want to catchup and make time for you, correct? The only other thing I can think of was you have to be someone that people admire or want to be like.
The only people who eagerly want to meetup with me are people I’m not interested in befriending they’re not what I want. I have a very small social circle of friends 3 close friends and then other people I’m not as close with (although I’ve tried befriending them).
One final question is it possible to find people who do not bug you on some level? I don’t mean something petty like singing loudly in the car lol although that is annoying. Like with my current friends we have a great time and things and I think were compatible but they have certain personality traits that I don’t like lazyness is one of them and I stsrt to feel like I should be with other people I’ve had experiences where I’ve hung around with other people who didn’t have these bad traits and it was so much more enjoyable.
Thanks for your questions.
Here are a few articles I’ve already written that answer those questions:
However, my best advice for being the type of guy who people want to spend time with is provided in my program Better Than a Bad Boy. I can’t reveal those secrets here in the comments. That advice is only for my customers.
About friends bugging you because of their individual quirks: Nope. You have to learn to accept people as they are. No-one is perfect and people will always have quirks and ways of doing things that will be different to how you think they should be done. You should be focussing on more important things in life anyway! What? I explain in Better Than a Bad Boy.
What if its something that really is intolerable? I don’t feel like I’m a fuddy duddy kind of a person I can let things go and I don’t have stupidly high standards for how people should behave but the lazy attitude of one of my friends its gotten to a stage now where I don’t even want to be friends anymore it annoys me that much and makes me think he isn’t bothered about us as friends.
If you mention something to someone about why it annoys you do people change? For example I have a female friend who is just really hardwork to get out and I basically told her if she doesn’t start makng more effort then I’m not interested in being friends anymore and she started to make the effort and I was pleased about that and the friendship started working better but then she went back into her old ways.
I don’t know what it is about my personality but if something happens that I find unacceptable I have to say something.
You can’t control other people. However, if you know how to make people naturally respect you, they will do their very best to behave well around you. If you want to learn how to have that type of social power, watch Alpha Male Power.
I have to agree with number two on the list. It seems that all the women I want to date are either married, engaged or living with a guy. So it becomes a lot more difficult to get a date and start a relationship.
Simple: Talk to other women.
I did a search of your IP address from the comment you left. You live in a state of the USA with more than 5 MILLION people. You’ve probably talked to 10-20 women over the past two years in a dating sense. Talk to other women.
Don’t use #2 on the list as an excuse for yourself. If you do, all you’re doing is feeding your fear like a failure of a man would do. Don’t be like that Brian.
These fears are certainly crippling! They can lead you to ridiculous circumstances like mine! I’ll be 31 years old this year, and I’ve only approached two females. The first one was a dance in 8th grade, and I was so nervous her friend had to lead me over by the hand. The 2nd time was when I was 19, with this older girl who worked at a music store. I obviously made her uncomfortable, not meaning to, and was banned from the store. I also had three different long distance ‘relationships’ (think Kip from Napoleon Dynamite!) over the Internet, the last one which ended in 2006. My fears and insecurities have kept me from going out and ever approaching a woman I’m attracted to (or even new friends!). It’s led me down a lonely road. I already have regrets. I don’t want to carry anymore than I already do, into middle and old age!
Thanks for your comment.
You will get over your fears and insecurities when you stop thinking in a way that causes you to feel that way.
In regards to response your email I m writing ths comments ,I stay in India for 23 years nd I love to be an Indian (Calcutta)as I like to date a new women.I want 2 buy Flow.could u plz tell me that from where I can find the book at Calcutta in India ????
Thanks for your question.
I sell my book digitally. Meaning: It is a downloadable ebook. I do not send anything in the postal mail. You purchase and then get access to download it.
See the FAQ page here for info on how to purchase: http://store.themodernman.com/faq.html
The first part of the article is truly me.
I have used some of your files like the flow etc and I did notice some great changes. I went from thinking no girl could ever be interested in me to things happening like an check out girl at the store calling me an cutey.
But when it comes to approaching girls just out there in bars etc. My mind seems to go into overdrive of making excuses for why not to approach.
Thanks for your comment.
It sounds like you’ve read The Flow, but completely forgotten ALL of the advice in there about how to build up the confidence to approach. If you have the latest edition of The Flow, go to page 42 (of 231 pages) and read that section. Every guy who writes up a success story here is using that technique: http://www.themodernman.com/videos/the-flow-new-edition.html
I’m one of the older ones who wishes that programs and guys like you were around in the late 70’s into the 80’s . I look back with lots of regret ! I’m 53 and been dateless for many many years of my life ; never been married . Today , I choose to be alone . Its been a battle throughout the years but I survived it . I really hope these guys read your books and have fun ! Good luck !!
Thanks for your positive feedback and welcome to The Modern Man.
My friend, you are not done yet. There’s a 52 man in this free ebook who has scored himself a 20-something year old girlfriend. Check it out: http://www.themodernman.com/download_the_flow_in_action.html
I won’t be able to keep up lol , Health issues .
To soar and full of arthritis and other ailments to keep up .
Like ,I said . I wish I could turn back the clock . I’m not feeling sorry for myself , just the truth . I hope these young bucks will understand this ” Call the bluff on your own thinking ” and do the hard work and confront it , no matter how much it makes you feel uncomfortable – Do it !! It’s truly amazing how my crazy head got me in this situation and how for many years been very isolated from the world . But I was blessed in many other area’s as well. Good luck !
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