Over the years, many guys have written in to me to seek help with their relationship. A common question I get a few times a month goes something like this, “My girlfriend and I keep fighting over the smallest things. Why do we always argue and how can I get things back to how they used to be?”
What started out as a happy, lust-filled relationship with loads of "I love you" statements being exchanged, has turned into a situation where you feel more like enemies that allies at times. So, why does it happen in a relationship and how can you fix it?
Arguments Are Good... Sometimes
The truth is, a relationship is not a real relationship without the occasional difference of opinion, even if that means having an argument for a few minutes.There's nothing wrong with arguing, as long you and your woman use it to grow and to deepen the love and respect you feel for each other.
One of the main purposes of a relationship (in addition to giving and receive love) is to help each other grow more than you would on your own. So, arguments are a natural way for a woman to challenge you and see how much clarity and strength you have as the leader of the relationship. However, if you ask most couples whether or not they argue, they'll usually pretend to be living in Pleasantville (remember the movie?) and say things like, “Oh, me and my girlfriend never argue. We agree on everything.” Additionally, there are the guys who say, “I don't bother arguing with her, I just let her get her way,” which is the worst thing a guy could do to his woman, which I will explain more about later.
For now, let me clue you in on a little secret about arguments that most guys don't know. The fact is, an argument between you and girlfriend (or wife) can be used as a source of sexual tension and desire, as well as a way to deepen your love and respect for each other. I'm not suggesting that you should start arguments time just to create sexual tension, but it is definitely one way of recharging your sexual attraction for each other and adding to your love. How so? Well, when your woman sees that, no matter how much of a tantrum she throws during an argument, you still retain your masculinity (by not getting all emotional like a woman), it turns her on at a deep level. She then behaves like more of a loving, caring, sexy woman, which in turns makes you make you love her more and feel more sexual attraction for her.
Due to a lack of a good male role models as he grew up, a lot of guys find themselves feeling clueless about how to behave like a real man in a relationship with a woman. Not knowing how to properly argue with their girlfriend, the arguments end up killing the sexual attraction that the woman feels, which then leads to more arguments, nagging and bickering because the woman “just isn't feeling it anymore.” If you respond to her tantrums in the wrong way (i.e. you get emotional like a woman or you let her have her way), then she is going to have a hard time respecting you and feeling attraction for you from then on.
These days, a lot of guys look to fictional entertainment sources like Hollywood movies or TV sitcoms for information on how to be a man. Unfortunately, these forms of entertainment are not education and usually end up causing the man more harm than good. A great example of that is the movie “Hall Pass,” where the men are portrayed as stupid, sex-starved losers and the women as confident, independent women who run the show/wear the pants. When in a relationship with a real man, a woman does not disrespect him like the women did to their husbands in that movie, nor is the man the one who is trying to get sex from his woman. In the style of relationship that we teach in The Modern Relationship, the woman does everything she can to impress you in the hope of getting more sex and attention from you, she shows respect for you and looks to you as her man, not her “annoying” husband or boyfriend. She is in awe of you, rather than “putting up with you.”
Clear the Air and Reconnect With Each Other
A good argument can sometimes be a positive way to clear the air and move on from a disagreement that has created a “frosty” atmosphere between you. Don't focus on winning the argument every time and showing her how right you are. Instead, use it as an opportunity to clear away any negative tension that has unnecessary been getting in the way of your love for each other. Let the love flow freely, rather than allowing trivial disagreements or misunderstandings poison it.
In my relationships, I use what I call "The Love Fix." It's a physical response to her moods, tantrums and tests that guides her back into feelings of love, happiness and sexual desire. I can't share details of that here though, because that information is reserved for my customers only. You can learn about The Love Fix in Better Than a Bad Boy, where I share many ways of using it, in many tense situations you'll find yourself in with your woman.
Letting Her "Have Her Way" to Avoid an Argument
A huge mistake that guys make in relationships with women, is letting the woman run the show or “have her way.” You'll often hear guys say, “I'll have to ask the boss” in reference to getting permission from their girlfriend or wife. While this might seem as though the guy is merely respecting his relationship with his woman, he is actually turning her off at a deep level. Women are never attracted to men who treat them like men. In fact, every married man that I've coached over the phone who has told me that his wife withholds sex and he only gets it if he's been really good to her, is shocked to learn that the reason she is behaving that way is because he is treating her like the man.
In The Modern Relationship, I explain how to set up and maintain a more traditional relationship dynamic, where you as the man are running the show. You are in charge. You say when and how things are done. In this type of relationship dynamic, a woman always wants more sex with her man, chases it and does her best to impress him so he will give her more. It never results in the woman withholding sex. Why? In this type of relationship, she is being treated like a woman. Women, regardless of what they say on TV talk shows and in front of co-workers for example, secretly prefer men who take charge. This is the type of man they refer to as a real man. They never refer to weak, submissive men (who let the woman wear the pants, so to speak) as being real men. They treat those men like they would a pet. “Sit here and wait for me!” or “Hold my handbag, I'm going to the bathroom” when it a shopping mall.
Try to Understand Her Point of View
When disagreements flare up over something you both feel strongly about, neither one of you will usually like like being told that “you’re wrong.” Most people get defensive (the level of defensiveness varies from person to person) when their beliefs or opinions are being challenged, so the key to getting her to see things your way is to first let her know that you understand her point of view. Ask her questions and try to understand why she sees it the way she does.
If you know that you’re right and she’s wrong, continuing to tell a woman that she’s wrong will do nothing to strengthen your argument. Instead, depending on the woman and her level of defensiveness, it will make her want to argue more and since she will be feeling more emotional, her reasoning will become more irrational and illogical.
Be a Man of Your Word
Instinctively, women want to be with a trustworthy man because for most of human history, a man could impregnate a woman and then leave her without having to pay child support or even see the children again. A woman needs to know that she can rely on you to stick by your word through the good times and bad.
You can be a man of your word for 10 years of a relationship, but if you screw up once, she will remember it forever and a part of her will close off to you. She will still love you, but she with each breach of trust, she will close herself off to you even more. The truth might hurt a woman sometimes, but when all is said and done, a woman wants a man she can depend on to be honest no matter what. When you are arguing with your woman, don't try to bend the truth to strengthen your argument or throw in white lies to make yourself look better. If she catches you being dishonest, she will lose respect and attraction for you and if you do it often enough, she will eventually fall out of love with you.
If a woman can't rely on you to do what you said you would do and stick by what you say you stand for, then she isn't with a man. She's with a wimp who is too afraid or too lazy to be a real man. If you can't be a real man for her, then she will be unable to feel the most amount of attraction, love and respect for you that is possible. It's the equivalent of you being in a relationship with a beautiful woman and suddenly, in the middle of an argument, she turns into an ugly woman. While a woman's appearance is critical to us feeling attraction for her, your character, resolve and masculine integrity is critical for a woman feeling attraction for you.