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Why Am I Always Arguing With My Girlfriend?
A woman will usually start an argument to test how you will respond. Will you back down out of fear of losing her? Will you respond like a woman by losing control of your emotions? If you don't respond like a man, she will lose attraction, respect and love for you...and start even more arguments!
What started out as a lust-filled relationship with loads of “I love you” comments being exchanged, has turned into a situation where you feel more like enemies that allies at times. So, why does it happen and how can you avoid it happening to you?
Arguments Are Good, Sometimes
The truth is, a relationship is not a real relationship without the occasional difference of opinion and perhaps even a blazing row every now and then. One of the main purposes of a relationship, in addition to giving and receive love, is to help each other grow more than you would on your own. So, arguments are a natural way for a woman to challenge you and see how much clarity and strength you have as the leader of the relationship. However, if you ask most couples whether they argue, they will usually pretend to be living in Pleasantville (remember the movie?) and say things like, “Oh, me and my girlfriend never argue. We agree on everything.” Additionally, there are the guys who say, “I don't bother arguing with her, I just let her get her way,” which is the worst thing a guy could do to his woman, which I will explain more about later.
For now, let me clue you in on a little secret about arguments that most guys don't know. The fact is, an argument between you and girlfriend (or wife) can be used as a source of sexual tension and desire, as well as a way to deepen your love and respect for each other. I'm not saying you should start arguments all the time to create sexual tension, but it is definitely one source of recharging your sexual attraction and adding to your love, desire and respect for each other. How so? Well, when your woman sees that, no matter how much of a tantrum she throws during an argument, you still retain your masculinity (by not getting all emotional like a woman), it turns her on at a deep level. She then treats you like more of a man and behaves like more of a loving, caring woman, which in turns makes you make you love her more and feel more sexual attraction for her.
By the way...
If you want to learn how to respond to your woman's taunts, tantrums and tests, watch Better Than a Bad Boy. I give countless examples of it throughout the program, including the tests women put you through when you first approach, during conversation, on a date, during sex and throughout an entire relationship.
Due to a lack of a good male role model as he grew up, a lot of guys find themselves in a relationship with a woman and feeling clueless about how to behave like a real man. Not knowing how to properly argue with their girlfriend, the arguments end up killing the sexual attraction a woman feels, which then leads to more arguments, nagging and bickering because the woman “just isn't feeling it anymore.” If you respond to her tantrums in the wrong way (i.e. you get emotional like a woman or you let her have her way), then she is going to have a hard time respecting you and feeling attraction for you from then on.
These days, a lot of guys look to fictional entertainment sources like Hollywood movies or TV sitcoms for information on how to be a man. Unfortunately, these forms of entertainment are not education and usually end up causing the man more harm than good. A great example of that is the movie “Hall Pass,” where the men are portrayed as stupid, sex-starved losers and the women as confident, independent women who run the show/wear the pants. When in a relationship with a real man, a woman does not disrespect him like the women did to their husbands in that movie, nor is the man the one who is trying to get sex from his woman. In the style of relationship that we teach in The Modern Relationship, the woman does everything she can to impress you in the hope of getting more sex and attention from you, she shows respect for you and looks to you as her man, not her “annoying” husband or boyfriend. She is in awe of you, rather than “putting up with you.”
Clear the Air and Reconnect With Each Other
A good argument can sometimes be a positive way to clear the air and move on from a disagreement that has created a “frosty” atmosphere between you. Don't focus on winning the argument every time and showing her how right you are. Instead, use it as an opportunity to clear away any negative tension that has unnecessary been getting in the way of your love for each other. Let the love flow freely, rather than allowing trivial disagreements or misunderstandings poison it.
In my relationships, I use what I call "The Love Fix." It's a physical response to her moods, tantrums and tests that guides her back into feelings of love, happiness and sexual desire. I can't share details of that here though, because that information is reserved for my customers only. You can learn about The Love Fix in Better Than a Bad Boy, where I share many ways of using it, in many tense situations you'll find yourself in with your woman.
Letting Her "Have Her Way" to Avoid an Argument
A huge mistake that guys make in relationships with women, is letting the woman run the show or “have her way.” You'll often hear guys say, “I'll have to ask the boss” in reference to getting permission from their girlfriend or wife. While this might seem as though the guy is merely respecting his relationship with his woman, he is actually turning her off at a deep level. Women are never attracted to men who treat them like men. In fact, every married man that I've coached over the phone who has told me that his wife withholds sex and he only gets it if he's been really good to her, is shocked to learn that the reason she is behaving that way is because he is treating her like the man.
In The Modern Relationship, I explain how to set up and maintain a more traditional relationship dynamic, where you as the man are running the show. You are in charge. You say when and how things are done. In this type of relationship dynamic, a woman always wants more sex with her man, chases it and does her best to impress him so he will give her more. It never results in the woman withholding sex. Why? In this type of relationship, she is being treated like a woman. Women, regardless of what they say on TV talk shows and in front of co-workers for example, secretly prefer men who take charge. This is the type of man they refer to as a real man. They never refer to weak, submissive men (who let the woman wear the pants, so to speak) as being real men. They treat those men like they would a pet. “Sit here and wait for me!” or “Hold my handbag, I'm going to the bathroom” when it a shopping mall.
Try to Understand Her Point of View
When disagreements flare up over something you both feel strongly about, neither one of you will usually like like being told that “you’re wrong.” Most people get defensive (the level of defensiveness varies from person to person) when their beliefs or opinions are being challenged, so the key to getting her to see things your way is to first let her know that you understand her point of view. Ask her questions and try to understand why she sees it the way she does.
If you know that you’re right and she’s wrong, continuing to tell a woman that she’s wrong will do nothing to strengthen your argument. Instead, depending on the woman and her level of defensiveness, it will make her want to argue more and since she will be feeling more emotional, her reasoning will become more irrational and illogical.
Be a Man of Your Word
Women never forget if you lie. You can be a man of your word for 10 years of a relationship, but if you screw up once, she will remember it forever. The truth might hurt sometimes but when all is said and done, she wants a man she can depend on to be honest. So, when you are arguing with your woman, don't ever try to bend the truth to strengthen your argument. If she catches you doing it, she will lose respect and attraction for you. It's just how it works.
If a woman can't rely on you to do what you said you would do and stick by what you say you stand for, then she isn't with a man. She's with a wimp who is too afraid or too lazy to be a real man. If you can't be a real man for her, then she will be unable to feel the most amount of attraction, love and respect for you that is possible. It's the equivalent of you being in a relationship with a beautiful woman and suddenly, in the middle of an argument, she turns into an ugly woman. While a woman's appearance is critical to us feeling attraction for her, your character, resolve and masculine integrity is critical for a woman feeling attraction for you.
If you want to learn more about that and how to be the real man that all women are desperately look for, watch Better Than a Bad Boy. If you don't yet HAVE a girlfriend and want to know how to approach and talk to women, get them interested immediately and effortlessly escalate to a phone number, kiss, date and sex - read The Flow. You'll also learn many important fundamental principles for successful relationships. Then, if you want to learn more, you can check out our more advanced programs like The Modern Relationship and Better Than a Bad Boy.
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By Dan Bacon, Founder of The Modern Man. Dan Bacon on Google+
(Personal photos with women)
Hey Dan, this was a interesting article, I got question for you, I have an explosive temper its pretty bad, e.g. if I explode I don’t care where I’m at I burn the person to the ground. Over the years, I’ve worked on my temper, making it harder for someone or something to get me to explode. But lets just say, I did explode on my girlfriend, I get the feeling that I probably murdered the feelings she had for me, and I always feel bad when I drop a nuke on someone and… even when I have every reason to be angry at the person, I feel bad. I always felt like I could have handled it differently but lets just say if that did happen, what would I do, my gut is telling me a “sorry” won’t suffice…
Also I was reading one of your article, that brought up a question, that I would like to ask you but I’d feel more comfortable if I could email you privately, I noticed that on your “Contact” tab it says “Have a question about our products? Please contact us here” So I’m not sure if it’s cool to use that form to contact you, since its not really about your products… but maybe it might be related to some of the products that you teach here at TMM.
Hey Mike
There’s nothing wrong with getting angry at your girlfriend if she is out of line/treats you badly. However, it should be a controlled anger, in which you don’t become irrational and start doing silly things. You can be angry at her, but still be calm and in control on your emotions and thinking. I talk about how to handle situations like that in The Modern Relationship, so she can learn not to behave badly and you can both become closer as a result of the argument. It’s not something I can teach to everyone here in the comments – all that info is in The Modern Relationship.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
Like the previous comment on here, I too have blown my lid at my now ex girlfriend. At the time of the argument I didn’t care about hurting her feelings or what would happen in the relationship. After one serious fight we sat down and discussed our feelings and the relationship (this is prior to me finding your website). From that day on she said she felt she couldn’t be herself around me and that she feared I would blow up again or give her some evil look.
I understand now after speaking with numerous people and reading a fair bit what I was doing wrong. Unfortunately it pushed the relationship to breaking point and she moved her gear out of my house over the weekend. We did talk and she said she needed to be able to gain her independence back and find her happiness inside. I know there are plenty more women out there for me and I’m not shy to talk to any of them or go out on date I just feel this one was special and I really enjoyed my time with her.
We didn’t have any serious fight during the breakup but we had some in the previous months. During the breakup she was very emotional, crying and saying how she wanted to call me after the initial breakup but stopped herself and that she still cares for me. I was in touch with her needs and showed I had emotional intelligence but didn’t beg for her back or anything. I have learnt now that I need to have a greater understanding of the women’s emotional needs without compromising my own manhood.
Is it possible after having fights in a relationship and the other person telling you they couldn’t be themselves to repair it or are some arguments deal breakers?
Hi Richard
Thanks for your question.
Yes, you can definitely repair this situation. She wants to feel like a real woman around you and you will naturally make that happen by being a real man for her. I’m taking a guess here from experience: By the sound of it, your arguments and bad treatment of her forced her to behave more like a rational man than a girly, feminine woman. You gradually squeezed the femininity out of her and wanted her to be more like you, which is obviously a huge mistake.
If you want to learn how to fix yourself and become the type of man who will naturally cause her to feel exciting, amazing, exhilarating emotions, I recommend that you watch Better Than a Bad Boy. I do a big section on understanding women, but like you said – it isn’t at the expense of your manhood. On the contrary, this is about strengthening your manhood.
Cheers
Dan
P.S. I also recommend you read: 7 Reasons Why Women Lose Respect For Men
We constantly argue. I messed up because i lied in the past and that lie has made us to what we are today. I lose my shit on her because my temper is so bad, its horrible. I try to take it all out at the gym and starting new the next day but i still get so angry when we argue. I want her for life its just… Jesus i wish i could start over man
Hey Alex
Sorry to hear about your situation mate.
At least you’ve learned one of the most valuable lessons of life: Don’t lie. Living an honest life is a much EASIER, less stressful and more effective life to live. You don’t have to carry a bunch of lies around with you.
You might find these two articles interesting:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/why-women-lose-respect-for-men.html
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/is_your_relationship_built_on_trust.html
Cheers
Dan
Hi, as you can probably tell, i am a girl. I happened to actually stumble accross this article in an attempt to find research for a behavioral psychology project. (not the point) well i am actually really glad i found this. I have been feeling as if there are communication issues between me and my boyfriend. I am reading what you said up here about how a real man does not give up in arguements or shut down etc. Well, the past few weeks ive felt a disconnect between my boyfriend and i. We got busy and now it feels like he barely even attempts to show me any affection unless i run the show. He is a single child and lacked a father figure and his mother is very controlling. For me, if i even explode a little he shuts down. He used to help me calm down and see the bigger picture or it would be the other way around. But now i cant even get him to understand me and how i am feeling. I dont like being naggy and whenever he will bring up a quick comment about things that relate to this issue, its overwhelming and i get upset. I tried to back off but maybe i am not backing off enough because he isnt stepping up and taking over. Today we argued and i just vented out everything in a text and explained how i felt i urged him to think and try to understand me without me constantly throwing out different ways to make it explainable. I want him to do the work and try to understand for himself. And i dont want to keep feeling like i have to ask for a pick me up after a bad day. Or a hug. I dont know. Things that used to be natural. I asked him directly once and he said that he felt like he didnt have to really do stuff like that anymore. I understand the transition netween a puppy love type deal where you get barracaded in with hearts and poetry or whatever to a different type of affection. I dont think a man should lose that urge to show affevtion though.how can i make him feel like a man in a way that would possibly encourage him or make him want to step up and take the pants from me. I am metaphorically doing that weird little dance that someone does to get someone else to take whatever is in their hand away because they dont want it. I dont want to run the show. I can be bossy but ive always loved that he could calmly counter my forcefulness and it made me want to let him be in charge. If i made that really confusing i am sorry, i can clarify anything you need i am freshly upset right now. Sorry, thank you for reading.
Hey Serenitee
Thanks for your comment.
We’re getting a lot of comments from women these days, so it seems our advice is helping both sides, even though we’re completely dedicated to helping men.
Anyway, what you’ve said is not confusing. It’s crystal clear to me. That being, you’re perfectly capable of taking the lead, but you would prefer if he did so you could relax into the feminine role. At the moment, your boyfriend has made the mistake of turning your sexual, romantic relationship into a neutral relationship where neither part is fully masculine or feminine. You could say, you both feel like half man/half woman, instead of a man and woman.
The truth is, unless he gets in depth training from an expert like me, he isn’t going to learn about this stuff by watching TV, listening to friends or seeking advice from random people. Most people don’t know how to maintain the masculine/feminine dynamic in a relationship and, after the initial lust has worn off, slowly transition into just being neutral “partners” in life. It ends up feeling like two friends who occasionally have sex when they need it, instead of a man and a woman who are falling deeper and deeper in love. We’ve all seen those couples who, after 20-30 years of marriage, are still madly in love with each other and flirt with each other all the time. That is only possible if the right type of relationship dynamic is created and maintained. However, if someone doesn’t know how to do that, then it just won’t turn out that way.
Cheers
Dan
Hi, I just came across your article bc I got into a stupid argument …again..with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost a year…living together for most of that time bc he was either having car issues and need a ride so it was easier to just stay with me or his electric got cut bc he counted on his roommate to provide for half the bills which she didn’t. I think a big reason that we argue over petty things is that I need him to step up and be more of a man, he relies on me for almost every decision he makes…unless it involves his car club then it seems like I don’t matter at all. We only have sex once a wee bc that’s all he wants which makes me insecure in his attraction to me so I tend to be in an even worse mood…though lately I just don’t think about it. He can’t manage his money very well. When we do argue instead of compromising he just gives in to what I’m saying And then gets petty over the decision he made! He acts like more of a girl than I do and I’m just not sure what to do.
Hey Sheila
Phew! Sounds like someone needed to vent!
More and more women seem to be coming here to do the same, so I guess our message is reaching a wider audience these days.
It’s good to get that sort of thing off your chest Sheila, but really – you need to be able to communicate that in a clear way to your boyfriend. Unfortunately though, I get contacted here every day by guys who tell me that their girlfriend had warned them about such things, but they failed to take action and change so she ended the relationship. So, please make sure you mention that to him also. He needs to know that you want and need a man and that he CAN be that man if he can make the changes.
Cheers
Dan