Are you getting into regular verbal fights with your girlfriend, even though you love her and would rather not be arguing?
Does it sometimes feel like you and your girlfriend are more like enemies than lovers? Does it seem like your girlfriend actually enjoys annoying you and then getting into arguments?
Don’t worry, you are not alone. Over the years, hundreds of guys have written in to me seeking help with their relationship and looking for a solution to stop the arguments and bring back the harmony.
A recent example was this, “Dan…my girlfriend and I keep fighting over the smallest things. Why do we always argue about trivial stuff that doesn’t even matter? I explode at her and get angry and then she starts crying and I regret it. How can I get things back to how they used to be when we were happy and in love? How can I stop her from wanting to get into arguments with me?”
A Simple Solution to Stop a Lot of the Arguments
If you’re always arguing with your girlfriend, it means that you’re taking her too seriously.
Instead of being offended, angry, annoyed or shocked by what she says or does, just smile, laugh and relax because most of the time, she’s just doing it to test you.
Most women will test you by throwing a tantrum, saying something mean or acting like they don’t want you or love you. What she is hoping to see is that nothing she says or does stops you from feeling confident, being happy loving her fearlessly.
She wants to see that you can still laugh, smile and be emotionally secure no matter what she says.
Why? It’s a woman’s natural instinct. We live in a challenging world and women instinctively seek to align themselves with a man who makes them feel safe because he remains strong and in control no matter what.
When you can see that she’s just trying to test you, it makes it easier to not feel angry. Instead, you can just smile, laugh (at her sometimes too) and deal with the situation in a more light-hearted way.
Instead of taking her bitchiness, cold behavior, frustration or tantrums so seriously, just relax and let it play out. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about her. She’s just acting on her female instincts.
When you can just relax and let the situation play out, it will feel better for both of you and the arguments will begin to stop. She will see that no matter what she says or does, you remain in control of your emotions.
When she can see that you have changed the way you react to her and no longer get angry or lose control of your emotions, it actually makes her feel more respect for you as a man.
When a woman feels more respect for you, she feels more attracted to you and she will then open herself up more deeply to the love that you share together.
Arguments Are Good… Sometimes
An argument between you and girlfriend (fiance or wife) can actually be used as a source of sexual tension and desire, as well as a way to deepen your love and respect for each other.
When your woman sees that no matter how much of a tantrum she throws during an argument, you still retain your masculinity (i.e. by not losing control of your emotions like a woman would and instead maintaining control of your emotions), it turns her on at a deep level.
Women are attracted to the strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. insecurity, lack of confidence, lack of masculinity).
Most of what a woman finds attractive about a man is based on things that cannot be seen. It’s not about his physical appearance, but about who he is as a guy.
When your girlfriend is able to feel more respect and attraction to you based on how you respond to her feminine challenges of your masculinity, it changes the way she feels about you and the way she treats you.
When you begin to maintain control of your emotions and “be the man” in the situation, you will notice that she will begin to behave in a more of a loving and caring way towards you, which in turns makes you make you love her more and feel more sexual attraction for her.
It’s a win-win outcome for both of you.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you should start arguments time just to create sexual tension by showing her that you can maintain control of your emotions, but arguments are definitely one way of recharging your sexual attraction for each other and adding to the love that you share.
From now, don’t be worried, annoyed or confused about the presence of arguments in your relationship. Instead, use them as an opportunity to deepen your love, respect and attraction for each other.
You Don’t Gain Points By Winning Arguments With Her
It might feel like a good idea to show her how smart you are by winning every argument you have with her, but it isn’t. No matter how many arguments you win, she just keeps starting new ones, right?
If you are focussed on winning the arguments and proving to her that she should listen to you, then you’re approaching arguments with her in the wrong way.
The truth is, no one is perfect and it’s impossible for you to know everything about everything, or to do everything perfectly and correctly in life.
You are human, just like she is and all humans sometimes make mistakes in how they think, behave and act. So, instead of trying to prove to her that you know it all and that you are a better person that her, just relax.
If you have made a mistake in how you’ve been thinking, talking to her, behaving around her or acting, just admit it and she will soon shut up. However, if she has made a mistake, don’t expect her to admit it if you’re arguing with her.
Instead of telling her that she’s wrong, stupid or crazy for saying or doing whatever she did, just ask her to explain why. Let her explain herself and try to understand where she is coming from, even if her way of thinking seems wrong to you.
In some cases, you will find that there was simply a miscommunication or misunderstanding between you that blew up into an argument because you both didn’t understand each other properly.
So, don’t focus on winning an argument every time to show her how right you are. Instead, use the argument as an opportunity to clear away any negative tension that has been getting in the way of your love for each other.
When in a relationship, you have to let the love flow freely, rather than allowing trivial disagreements or misunderstandings destroy it.
If it means that you have to admit making a mistake in how you were thinking, acting or behaving, do it right away.
Don’t hesitate to say, “Oh, okay…I was wrong. My mistake…I didn’t know that you were trying to say that.”
It’s better to approach your girlfriend in that way than always trying to make her apologize to you and look like the one who is causing problems or making mistakes.
It’s better to be supportive and compassionate towards your girlfriend, rather than acting like her enemy who is trying to bring her down or make her life a misery.
Why? Well, one reason why is that the love between a man and a woman is not unconditional.
The love between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not the type of love that will be there no matter what.
To remain in love with each other, you’ve got to take care of the love and build on it over time rather than taking it for granted.
In 1900, the divorce rate was less than 10% for most of the developed world. These days, it’s around 50% for most developed countries because women no longer have to stay in an unhappy relationship or marriage.
So, you can’t just expect her to stick around for life is you aren’t even willing to be a loving boyfriend who adds happiness to her life rather than taking it away.
To avoid ruining the love that you share with your current girl, make sure that you take care of it, develop it and deepen it over time.
When you approach your relationship in the right way, you can be like one of those couples that you’ve seen who are still madly in love 40 or 50 years into their relationship.
That is what’s possible when you do it right.
However, if you make the mistake of thinking that she will stick around no matter what, you might be shocked one day when she says something like, “I’m leaving you. I can’t take this anymore.”
Don’t Let Her “Have Her Way” to Avoid an Argument
A huge mistake that some guys make in a relationship is to let the woman run the show or “have her way” all the time.
You may have heard a “man” sheepishly say, “I’ll have to ask the boss” in reference to getting permission from his girlfriend or wife for something. While this might seem as though the guy is merely respecting the relationship that he has with his woman, he is actually turning her off on a deep level.
A woman doesn’t want to feel like she is a man’s mother or big sister. She wants him to respect her, love her, want her and care about her, but not fear her. She wants him to say and do whatever he wants, as long as he still loves her, respects her, wants her and cares about her.
When it comes to arguments, some guys make the mistake of just letting the woman “win” so he can avoid an argument. Yet, that is also deeply unattractive to women. Women are not attracted to wimpy guys who don’t have a backbone to stand up for themselves.
What a woman wants to see is that if you believe in something, you will stand up for it, but you won’t get crazy about it with her. You will be assertive and strong, but you will also be open-minded and respectful enough to listen to her opinion.
Try to Understand Her Point of View
In almost every case, you will find that you and your girlfriend both have good intentions with each other. However, despite having good intentions, you will sometimes be misunderstood and an argument might flare up all of sudden.
During an argument, neither one of you will probably enjoy being told that you’re wrong, selfish, inconsiderate, annoying or anything else that isn’t positive.
From your perspective, you feel like you’re doing the right thing because you have good intentions, but from the other person’s perspective, you’re going about it in the wrong way.
The solution is always to seek first to understand her and what she is thinking and feeling, before you try to get her to understand you. Why? In many cases, you will find that her explanation alerts you to a misunderstanding between you or an opportunity to improve your relationship.
For example: She might be angry at you for sitting down and watching TV all night, but you have no idea why she would complain about it so you become annoyed with her.
When you dig deeper, you might find that she wants to have more of a balance in life where you and her get out of the house more often. She might also be annoyed at you because you’re not rising through the levels of life and reaching for your true potential as a man.
Instead, you’re just doing enough to get by and live a comfortable life, but you’re not striving for bigger and better things.
She may not be able to express that to you, but all women instinctively want to be a man who is reaching for his true potential, rather than hiding from it behind his relationship with her.
If you don’t seek to understand where she is really coming from, nothing will ever get solved and arguments will continue to flare up between you. Once you’ve found out where your girlfriend is coming from, make sure that she seeks to understand your point of view also.
Discuss, Don’t Attack
During an argument with a woman, it’s very easy to get angry and start raising your voice because you are naturally stronger and more powerful than she is.
However, raising your voice and getting angry at her doesn’t solve anything.
When a man gets emotional like that, a woman will become even more emotional and they will usually end up yelling at each other, verbally attacking each other and trying to put each other down.
No matter how much of a tantrum she throws, you have to try and be the calm sensible one. Instead of getting angry at her, laugh at her and the situation and then calmly work through it.
Instead of going on the attack and calling her names or bringing up things that you don’t like about her, tell what you do like about her and what she is doing right. It will confuse her temporarily, but it will also get her to stop feeling so angry.
She will see that you are making an effort to look on the bright side of her intentions, rather than actively trying to look for faults that you can attack her about.
Instead of trying to get her to be sensible like you, just understand and accept that she is a woman and will always see the world through a different lens than you do. She is a woman and will always think, feel and act differently to you.
…and you can’t stop her from doing it.
She will always want to think, act and behave like a woman and if you can let her do that without getting angry about it, you will satisfy her on a deep level.
When you understand that her attempts to argue with you are just part of her being a woman, you will stop trying to verbally attack her or get her to think like you do.
When you can do that, your girlfriend will love you, respect you and feel attraction for you on a more deeper level than she ever has before.