Over the years, many guys have written in to me to seek help with their relationship. A common question I get a few times a month goes something like this, “My girlfriend and I keep fighting over the smallest things. Why do we always argue about the most trivial things? How can I get things back to how they used to be when we were happy and in love?”
What started out as a happy, lust-filled relationship with loads of “I love you” statements being exchanged, has turned into a situation where you feel more like enemies than allies. So, why does that happen in a relationship and how can you fix it?
Arguments Are Good… Sometimes
The truth is, a relationship is not a real relationship without the occasional difference of opinion, even if that means having a small argument every once in a while. An argument between you and girlfriend (or wife) can actually be used as a source of sexual tension and desire, as well as a way to deepen your love and respect for each other.
How so? When your woman sees that no matter how much of a tantrum she throws during an argument, you still retain your masculinity (i.e. by not losing control of your emotions like a woman would and instead maintaining control of your emotions), it turns her on at a deep level. Why? Women are attracted to the strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. insecurity, lack of confidence, lack of masculinity).
When your woman is able to feel more respect and attraction to you based on how you respond to her feminine challenge of your masculinity, it changes the way she feels about you and the way she treats you. When you maintain control of your emotions and “be the man” in the situation, you will notice that your woman will begin to behave like more of a loving, caring, sexy woman, which in turns makes you make you love her more and feel more sexual attraction for her. It’s a win-win outcome for both of you.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you should start arguments time just to create sexual tension, but it is definitely one way of recharging your sexual attraction for each other and adding to your love. You shouldn’t be afraid of arguments. Instead, use them as an opportunity to deepen your love, respect and attraction for each other.
Clear the Air and Reconnect With Each Other
A good argument can sometimes be a positive way to clear the air and move on from a disagreement that has created a “frosty” atmosphere between you. Don’t focus on winning the argument every time and showing her how right you are. Instead, use it as an opportunity to clear away any negative tension that has been getting in the way of your love for each other.
When in a relationship, you have to let the love flow freely, rather than allowing trivial disagreements or misunderstandings poison it. If that means admitting a mistake, then do it right away. The love between a man and a woman is CONDITIONAL and needs to be taken care of, developed and deepened over time. It’s not an unconditional love that will be there no matter what. To stay in love, you’ve got to take care of it rather than taking it for granted.
In 1900, the divorce rate was less than 10% for most of the developed world. These days, it’s around 50% for most developed countries. To avoid ruining the love that you share with your current girl, make sure that you take care of it, develop it and deepen it over time. That way, you can be like those couples you’ve seen who are still madly in love 40 or 50 years into their relationship. That is what’s possible when you do it right.
Don’t Let Her “Have Her Way” to Avoid an Argument
A huge mistake that guys make in relationships with women, is letting the woman run the show or “have her way.” You’ll often hear guys say, “I’ll have to ask the boss” in reference to getting permission from their girlfriend or wife. While this might seem as though the guy is merely respecting his relationship with his woman, he is actually turning her off at a deep level. Women are never attracted to men who treat them like men.
In fact, every married man that I’ve coached over the phone who has told me that his wife withholds sex and he only gets it if he’s been really good to her, is shocked to learn that the reason she is behaving that way is because he is treating her like the man. In The Modern Relationship, I explain how to set up and maintain a more traditional relationship dynamic, where you as the man are running the show. You are in charge. You say when and how things are done. In this type of relationship dynamic, a woman always wants more sex with her man, chases it and does her best to impress him so he will give her more.
It never results in the woman withholding sex. Why? In this type of relationship, she is being treated like a woman. Women, regardless of what they say on TV talk shows and in front of co-workers for example, secretly prefer men who take charge. This is the type of man they refer to as a real man. They never refer to weak, submissive men (who let the woman wear the pants, so to speak) as being real men. They treat those men like they would a pet. “Sit here and wait for me!” or “Hold my handbag, I’m going to the bathroom” when it a shopping mall.
Try to Understand Her Point of View
In almost every case, you will find that you and your girlfriend both have GOOD intentions with your behavior or thinking. However, despite having good intentions, you will sometimes be wrong, behave in the wrong way or think the wrong way.
When disagreements flare up over something you both feel strongly about, neither one of you will probably enjoy being told that you’re wrong, selfish, inconsiderate or annoying. From your personal perspective, you feel like you’re doing the right thing, but from the other person’s perspective, you’re going about it in the wrong way.
The solution is always to seek first to understand her and what she is thinking and feeling, before you try to get her to understand you. Why? In many cases, you will find that her explanation alerts you to a misunderstanding between you or an opportunity to improve your relationship. For instance, she might be angry at you for sitting down and watching TV all night and you have no idea why she would complain about that.
When you dig deeper, you might find that she wants to have more of a balance in life where you and her get out of the house more often. Or, she may be annoyed at you because you’re not rising through the levels of life and reaching for your true potential as a man. Instead, you’re just doing enough to get by and live a comfortable life. She may not be able to express that to you, but all women instinctively want to be a man who is reaching for his true potential, rather than hiding from it behind his relationship with her.
If you don’t seek to understand where she is really coming from, nothing will get solved and arguments will continue to flare up. Once you’ve found out where she is coming from, make sure that she seeks to understand your point of view also.
Discuss, Don’t Attack
During an argument with a woman, it’s very easy to get angry and start raising your voice. However, it doesn’t solve anything. When a man gets emotional like that, a woman will become even more emotional and the couple will end up yelling at each other, verbally attacking each other and trying to put the other person down.
No matter how much of a tantrum she throws, try to be the calm sensible one. Instead of getting angry at her, laugh at her and the situation sometimes. Instead of going on the attack and calling her names or bringing up things that you don’t like about her, tell what you do like about her and what she is doing right. Instead of expending loads of energy trying to get her to understand your point of view, just be patient, listen, ask questions and get to the bottom of the problem. Then, admit any mistakes you’ve made in your thinking, behavior and actions and ask her to do the same.
If you find that you are losing control of your emotions, try to remember that men and women are different. Instead of trying to get her to be sensible like you, just understand and accept that she is a woman and will always see the world through a different lens than you. To give you some perspective of what I mean, try this: Picture yourself as very thick, 10 meter high steel pole that has been fitted deeply, firmly and securely into the ground.
Next, picture her as stormy weather around the pillar. Notice that the pillar is unmoved by the challenge of the storm. It remains strong, no matter how strong the wind blows or how much rain pours down. It is a pillar of strength in a world of chaotic change. That is the essence of the masculine and feminine relationship. The masculine is strong and steady and the feminine is chaotic and ever-changing.
If you can accept that about women, you will understand them and satisfy them on a deep level. You will stop trying to verbally attack your girlfriend or get her to think like you. Instead, you will understand that she has a completely difference essence to you. She is a woman and women are not men.
Instead of getting into a crazy argument and verbally attacking each other, try to be the man in the situation. Be the pillar of strength, regardless of how much of a storm she throws at you. When you can do that, you girlfriend will love you, respect you and feel attraction for you on a more deeper level than she ever has.
Be a Man of Your Word
Instinctively, women want to be with a trustworthy man because for most of human history, a man could impregnate a woman and then leave her without having to pay child support or even see the children again. A woman needs to know that she can rely on you to stick by your word and commitment through good times and bad.
You can be a man of your word for 10 years of a relationship, but if you screw up once, she will remember that forever and a small part of her will close off to you. She will still love you, but she with each breach of trust, she will close herself off to you even more. The truth might hurt a woman sometimes, but when all is said and done, a woman wants a man she can depend on to be honest no matter what.
When you are arguing with your woman, don’t try to bend the truth to strengthen your argument or throw in white lies to make yourself look better. If she catches you being dishonest, she will lose respect and attraction for you and if you do that often enough, she will eventually begin to fall out of love with you.