This is a difficult situation to handle for a guy who isn't very experienced with women, because women will often send mixed signals to men about their level of interest. Women do this for many reasons, some of which I'll discuss in this article for you. However, besides understanding what her mixed messages really mean, it is also essential that you recognize why she is doing it and what type of woman she might be.
Example Woman #1: The Friendly, Good-Natured Flirt
As you may have noticed, there are some women who are outgoing and friendly with pretty much any guy they meet. Although she will engage in some friendly flirting with most/all guys she meets, it doesn't mean that she is sexually interested; she's just one of those people who likes seeing people happy and she knows from experience that she can bring a smile to a guy’s face just by being friendly and paying some attention to him.
For her, it doesn’t matter who the guy is. It can be a guy she meets just about anywhere; a waiter taking her order, her coworker in the office or the delivery man who arrives at her door or desk with a package. Whatever the case, she’ll make that man feel, even for a few minutes, that he’s the most important, desirable person in her life at that moment. For guys who are inexperienced with women, not used to receiving such positive attention from women or absolutely desperate to find a girlfriend, they will usually misinterpret this as the woman being very interested or as though they “click” and are meant for each other. Before falling asleep at night, a guy like this may venture into wonderful fantasies about how they could have the perfect relationship. He'll think about saying sweet things to her and watch as she responds by embracing him and kissing him with love and passion. Yet, when he sees her in person, she never seems to go further than simply talking with him, laughing and paying him positive attention.
So, how do you know if a woman like that wants to be your girlfriend or lover, or is simply being a "friendly, good-natured flirt"? Obviously, if she treats other men the same way she treats you, you might assume she isn’t any more interested in you than she is with every other man that comes her way. However, she can indeed be truly attracted to you and secretly be hoping that you escalate your interaction to a date, kissing and sex, so you need to check what her true feelings are.
Mistakes to Avoid
A guy who is inexperienced with women or who has been trying to learn how to be successful with women by watching Hollywood movies or TV shows (i.e. trying to learn from entertainment sources, rather educational sources) will usually make the mistake of TELLING HER about his feelings for her much too early. In a movie or TV show, the scriptwriters allow the really nice guy who hopelessly tries to impress the girl for the duration of the movie/show to eventually get her in the end. He usually tells her his feelings, they kiss and then everything is wonderful. However, in the real world, telling a woman about your feelings for her BEFORE you have had sex with her usually backfires. Why? Only if the woman is desperately waiting to tell you her feelings too, will she be happy that you've approached the sexual courtship in that way. However, if she isn't attracted to you sexually, she will not care if you have feelings for her other than being flattered and saying, "Thanks, but I'd rather be friends."
Instead of sitting around for years and hoping that a girl you like will eventually tell you about her feelings for you (believe me, when they like you for real – they tell you very quickly), you need to find out whether or not she wants to be your lover, girlfriend or wife...or if she is going to be just another girl that you had a crush on, but couldn't get her to feel the same way you did. The only way to quickly and accurately determine a woman's feelings for you is to initiate sexual flirting (explained in detail and with plenty of examples provided in The Ultimate Guide to Conversation). If she responds by consistently flirting back with you in a sexual way (NOT just a friendly way), then she is interested in you sexually. However, if she responds negatively to your sexual flirting and innuendos, then she only wants to be friends.
Example Woman #2: The Starved-for-Attention Flirt
This type of woman is virtually the exact opposite of the “Friendly, Good-Natured Flirt” because she doesn’t flirt with men to make THEM feel better; she does it to make HERSELF feel better. She couldn't care less how it makes the man feel. She just knows that when she turns on the charm and men start showing her all sorts of loving and admiring attention, it makes her feel sexy, attractive and wanted. In most cases, it’s all about feeding her ego and lack of self-confidence. Make no mistake about it though; this woman usually feeds off attention and needs it to stop herself from feeling depressed, anxious and even more insecure.
Mistakes to Avoid
Guys who are inexperienced with women or desperate for any female attention, will usually lavish a woman like this with compliment after compliment, gift after gift and never really get anywhere. When a woman like this gets what she wants from a desperate guy, she’ll toss him away with as little feeling or remorse as she would throw away a snot-filled tissue. She will also be more likely to cheat on him if their relationship goes through a “boring patch” and she starts to feel unattractive. She'll look for validation from other men and often fall right into their arms.
Only desperate men accept women like this. A confident man who can have his pick of women will never accept such selfish behavior from a woman. Sure, he might accept her for one night for a bit of casual sex, but he'll never get into a committed relationship with her...unless he is desperate and is willing to disrespect himself by putting up with an inherently selfish, untrustworthy woman.
Example Woman #3: The Innocent Girl Flirt
The Innocent Girl Flirt is probably one of the most common “mixed signal” senders out there. This is the type of girl who may be genuinely interested in you in a sexual way, responds well to your attention and flirting and may even kiss you and hug you in a loving way, but all of a sudden she will pull back and go cold on you. Why is she doing this? In most cases, she is struggling with her sense of identity. She goes through the world behaving as though she is innocent when it comes to sex and is the sort of woman who wouldn't have sex on a first date, second date or even fifth date. So, when things begin to escalate to either kissing or sex, she will pull back because she wants to maintain her superficial identity.
She may also not want to look “too easy” in your eyes because you might then find it hard to trust her later in the relationship, especially if she goes out for drinks with her girlfriends. You might think, "Well, it was easy for me to kiss her and get her into bed, so if another guy who knows how attract women well meets her and she's feeling a bit frisky when drunk, who knows what she'll do...!" Even though a girl like this may really want to have sex right away and thoroughly enjoyed kissing you, she’s confused and feels guilty about responding sexually toward you so quickly. She’s in a mental battle with her own beliefs and morals and she’s not sure what to do, so she withdraws even though she truly likes you.
Mistakes to Avoid
Make no mistake about it, when she is alone with her thoughts, talking to her girlfriends about sex or is alone and masturbating herself, she fantasizes about having sex with a guy IMMEDIATELY upon meeting him, giving oral sex to a guy and so on. Women have to ACT innocent when it comes to sex for many reasons (i.e. social taboo, pressure from peers or family, etc), so don't always assume that if a woman pulls back and wants to stop that it means she isn't interested. If you've gotten that far with her, she IS interested.
Guys who are inexperienced with women will either:
- Feel rejected and begin behaving nervously around her.
- Think they've blown their chance with her forever.
- Get into a lengthy discussion and ask her loads of questions about why she doesn't want to kiss or have sex.
- Think that they need to wait a LONG time before she'll be comfortable escalating to sex.
None of the above responses are helpful to the guy's aim. He wants a sexual, loving and possibly committed relationship with her, but due to his inexperience or lack of knowledge about how to handle such moments, he will often screw up the budding relationship completely. Guys who are experienced with women do something COMPLETELY different, which immediately gets the "innocent" type of woman to feel totally comfortable being sexual. She can trust the guy and open up to him without any fear, shame or feelings of guilt. Suddenly, her superficial innocent persona can be put aside as the deeper, more authentic part of herself comes to the surface for him to see in private...and THAT is when she can truly connect with you. What do experienced guys do to get “innocent” women (and ANY other type of woman) to instantly feel comfortable opening up to sex and a relationship? Watch Dating Power to find out.
Personally speaking, I always either kiss or have sex with a woman the first time I meet her in bar environments. If I meet her during the day (e.g. shopping mall, cafe, etc), I usually get her number (or add her to Facebook depending on the situation) and then escalate to sex on the first date. However, on many occasions, I have escalated to sex during the day when meeting women in environments like a bookstore or cafe. When I didn't know what I now teach at The Modern Man, I would have to go on several dates and gradually try to escalate to sex and in most cases, the whole thing would fizzle out and she'd give me the “let's just be friends” talk before we even got to having sex. These days, I never have to wait to escalate to kissing or sex or have to waste my time trying to get a girl to like me. Women tell ME how much they like me right away and I kiss or have sex with them shortly after.
The fact is, guys who are inexperienced with women or who don't have a proper education on what it takes to be successful with women, make mistakes that turn women off at each step in the process from first the conversation, to kissing, during the lead up to sex, during sex and as the relationship begins to get serious. If you find that your conversations and dates aren't leading you to the type of sex or relationship that you want, I recommend you learn how to do it properly. If you don't learn what you don't know, then you simply won't know what you don't know. If you want to see Stu (from The Modern Man) explain and demonstrate the signals of interest that a woman will show you when she is SEXUALLY interested in you, I recommend you watch Dating Power. You'll also learn our rejection-proof techniques for getting that all-important first kiss and then escalating to sex.
I hope you learned some interesting things from this article. If you have any questions about a specific experience you're having with a woman that you've got a crush on, but are unsure if she wants to be your lover or girlfriend – just leave a comment below and I'll help you out.Next Page >>