Dating After Divorce
If you’ve ever endured the pain of a breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship, you’ll know that it can be a debilitating, sickening and very hard thing to deal with. However, if you want to move on to the next (and hopefully happier) chapter of your life, you have to be willing to do what is necessary to get there. Unfortunately too many guys refuse to make the transition to a new and better relationship, even though their woman has already happily done so or is out there looking to do so.
Some guys hang onto their desire to make their past relationship work (even though it’s over) because they fear meeting new women or they don’t want to make the effort to learn from what went wrong so they can use that knowledge to make their future relationships happier and longer-lasting. Why a particular relationship ended is going to be different for each couple. However, there are many things that are going to be universal for men who are faced with a divorce or a breakup and that is what we’re going to cover in this piece.
Failing to Change Before it's Too Late
When women start to think about breaking up with their man, they usually struggle for a long time before making a final decision to end the relationship. She is hoping that their man will change and begin behaving in the ways that will recapture her feelings. So, when they were still a couple, she would have given her man numerous hints about why things were not going well between the two of them. She may have even said (or hinted) that if things didn’t change, she was going to leave him or that they would have a difficult time staying together for long.
Of course, most men don't know what else to do other than what they have already been doing in the relationship, so they usually fail to change before it's too late. Most guys will never stumble across this site like you have and find the answers to their relationships problems with women, so they are left on their own to guess, turn to friends for advice (who are not relationship or attraction experts) or worse – make the mistake of trying to learn what to do by watching Hollywood movies (entertainment, not education), listening to the lyrics of pop songs or watching TV sitcoms (again, that is designed as a form of entertainment, not education).
Noticing that she is losing more and more interest in the relationship, a man will usually then make things 10x worse by becoming needy for affection, desperate to make her happy and insecure when she doesn't show him the love he wants to see coming from her. She will feel turned off by his neediness, desperation and insecurity and her respect, attraction and love for him will begin to diminish even more rapidly than before.
“Please...Just Give Me One More Chance. I'll Do Anything!”
Finally, when the woman can’t take it anymore, she will tell her man that she is leaving him and, even though she would've given him numerous signs that she was losing interest before she broke it off, most guys will be totally surprised and in disbelief about why she would want to give up on the relationship and leave. “But, I love you” the man will plead, “I want to be with you. I'll do anything you want, please just give me another chance.”
Yet, by the time a woman has said she wants out, she will have lost most, if not all, of her respect for the guy, won't feel attracted to him anymore and as a result of those two things, she will have fallen out of love with him. Why? A boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife relationship between a man and a woman needs love, sexual attraction and respect to be present, otherwise it just turns into a friendship...and that is not what a woman wants from her man. She wants to feel sexual attraction, she wants to respect him as a man and she wants to continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with him. She doesn't want a sexless relationship (or a relationship with barely any sex) and a man who doesn't understand how to make her feel like a sexy, happy woman. She wants true love, passionate love and a love that deeper and more amazing over time.
So, when a man (who has no idea what else to do to keep his woman happy and doesn't understand how to be the real man that she is looking for) is faced with the “I want a divorce” or "I need some space and time to think" (Read: My Girlfriend Said She Needs Space) conversation, he will usually begin to panic and cling onto the woman for as long as he can. Since most men simply get lucky with women and do not have the skills to attract whichever woman they please, they will become desperate in a situation like this even if they, too, were unhappy in the relationship, because they feel that it is better to have their woman rather than no woman at all. One of his worst fears will suddenly rise to the surface and make him panic even further. That being, the idea of his woman having sex with another man. He knows that if the man is more confident and masculine than he is, his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend is likely going to fall madly in love with him and enjoy the sex so much, mostly because of the contrast feelings she will feel by having sex with a confident man, instead of a desperate, insecure man who has been broken emotionally.
It's a sad time for the guy who has been broken up with, but unfortunately sometimes people need to be put under that type of pressure to grow and change. However, in an effort to return things to “normal,” most guys will beg, cry, make promises or do virtually anything they can to try to “win” her back. This tact may buy a guy a few more days, weeks or months if the woman takes pity on him, but it won't keep the woman around for long because at that point, the woman, who likely struggled for a long time in making her decision to end the relationship, has emotionally moved on. Additionally, because the man’s wimpy and begging behavior shows how weak he is (or has become), she will be further turned off and will feel more assured that she made the correct decision to end it with him. His weak behavior is the proverbial “final nail in the coffin.”
Poor Break-up Communication From the Woman
Unfortunately, when ending their relationship, most women will not make it totally clear to their ex that it’s over and there is absolutely no chance for a reconciliation. They don’t want to hurt the man they once loved, so they break up with him as gently as possible. In reality what she really needs to say to be TOTALLY CLEAR that she doesn't want him back, is something like the following:
“John, I’m sorry but it’s over. We’re through. I’ve moved on and there is no chance we will EVER get back together. I wish you well but I want you to stop calling me or contacting me in any way. We’re done. I want you to understand that I’m totally serious about this. I hope you find someone new and have a happy relationship, but whatever you and I had is over. You are not the man for me and that is final. Goodbye.”
If she had spoken to him like that, he would almost certainly be clear that it was over. However, most women find it difficult to be that direct and honest when breaking up a relationship, so it's no surprise if your woman said something like, “I need some space” or “I need time to think” or “I think we should take a break for a while.” Some men are afraid to be that honest and direct and honest when breaking up with a woman, but women especially avoid doing so out of an instinctive desire to survive. Remember: For 99.9% of human history, a man could kill his wife and get away with it simply by leaving the area and going to live somewhere else. In fact, the act of "uxoricide” (killing of one's wife) still happens fairly regularly today in places where women aren't protected by the rule of law and a society that is closely monitored by the media. So, you can't really blame a woman for not wanting to invoke a potential violent response from her man by “letting him down easily.” It's just a natural, instinctive thing that most women will do.
“She Still Wants Me, I Know it!”
When a woman doesn't give a guy a direct break up speech (most cases) and tell him in no uncertain terms that there is no way she will take him back, many guys will assume that the woman is “playing” with him and that she really wants him back, but he has to “earn” it. These men doubt that she’s really serious about wanting the breakup and instead of believing her actions, they’ll look for “clues” that she wants him back. They will misread her body language, falsely interpret anything she says to him that can (in ANY way) give him the hope that she wants him back, even if it’s something as simple as this innocent telephone exchange.
Man: "Hi, Betty, it’s me."
Woman: "Oh, Bill, hi. How are you? What have you been up to?"
Man: (Thinks to himself) "See! She wants to know how I am and what I've been up to. Maybe she misses hanging out with me!"
Sadly, with that type of thinking, a man will often then put in even more effort to “win” her back. He will write her love notes/e-mails, constantly call her, buy her gifts and do whatever he can to remind her that he is still there, waiting...and waiting...and hoping that she will change her mind. A guy like this will believe that because he is proving how much he loves her and wants her back, she will have to realize that he is serious about changing and will want to give him another chance. However, these tactics rarely, if ever, work because a woman wants to be with a man that she feels sexual attraction for, respects (because he is a strong man, not an insecure, needy, clingy guy) and loves deeply and passionately.
From Bad to Worse
When women are faced with this type of ongoing annoyance from a guy, they eventually realize that he can’t take a hint and trying to be nice and gentle with him didn’t work. Out of frustration and anger, a woman will usually decide to have one final “talk” with him and may even meet up with him in person to do it. The man will think it is his big chance to get her back, while she will be hoping that she can say what she wants to say and have him respond by finally accepting it. When she talks to him this time, instead of being calm and subtle with him that the relationship is over, she will be TOTALLY SPECIFIC with him about why she ended it and why she will not only NEVER get back together with him even if he were the last man on Earth, but she also likely be very forceful when she tells him that she may even considering taking legal action against him if he doesn't leave her alone.
Men who had been using the pleading tactic to get her back (e.g. with gifts, calls, letters, etc.) to get her back, will be shocked at her blunt and harsh reaction. The guy will feel even more confused and heartbroken that she misread his actions and didn’t understand that he was trying to romance her, rather than harass her! For most guys, this type of reaction from the woman they love will cause them to feel betrayed, rejected, unloved and unwanted by her and by women in general.
The Best Tactic to Get Her Back
Since his romantic tactics didn’t work, a guy will usually then begin to wonder how he could make her jealous and want him back. Finally, he will be starting to get onto what may actually work! He will think, “Okay, well if she thinks I'm not good enough for her, I will show her that other beautiful women want me and then she’ll coming running back to me.” Excellent! That is exactly what he needs to do if he wants to get her to begin feeling attraction for him again, or at least selfishly wanting him back for herself for a while. Why will it make her feel attraction for him? When she sees that other beautiful women want him (beautiful women usually don't hook up with guys who do not display confidence, masculinity, etc. – except in the cases where the guy gets lucky and the girl is just temporarily using him until something better comes along), his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend will consider that she may have made a big mistake by breaking up with him.
Unfortunately, since these guys lack the confidence and dating skills necessary to attract ANY woman, much less someone who was “hot” enough to make their ex jealous, this line of thinking isn’t going to work unless the guy is willing to go through a transformation process and actually become a confident, masculine man that other women want. If he refuses to grow as a man and become confident, emotionally secure (instead of insecure) and masculine in his actions, thinking and behavior, his ex will naturally be unable to feel anything more for him than she would for a friend. As for other women, they will treat him how they've always treated him.
When a guy finally realizes that he will be unable to attract new, beautiful women, he really begins to panic and that is usually when he will, once again, go back to his ex and plead with her for another chance and try to get her attention in any way he can. However, since she no longer finds him attractive, it is a complete waste of his energy and effort; she naturally feels nothing for him. In fact, his continued weak behavior will make other guys that she meets seem even more attractive to her, even if they only display a bit more confidence and emotional security than he has been displaying. Understandably, this is a sad time for the guy who has been broken up with. Whether he likes it or not, he is now at a “crossroads moment” in his life. He either going to grow and become stronger as a result of the experience, or he will allow it to destroy him.
Refusing to Get Back Out There and Meet New Women
If a guy is being dumped by a woman for not being enough of a man, he is most likely going to feel reluctant about getting back into the dating scene, much less approaching, attracting and seducing a beautiful woman to make his ex jealous. He most-likely got lucky (Read: Is Getting Lucky the Answer to Easy Success With Women?) by finding his girlfriend or wife and, after experiencing such a painful and confusing breakup, he will have no reason to believe he is going to have any more luck with other women.
In short, a guy like this will want his ex back even though it wasn’t necessarily the greatest relationship, mostly so he doesn’t have to experience the pain and rejection of getting out into the dating scene and realizing that women aren't attracted to him because he just isn't confident enough around them. Therefore, if he is completely honest with himself, he will privately admit that the true reason for wanting his ex back is that it feels like an easier and less painful option than trying to get a new woman to like him.
Since the guy will be clouded by fear and his (understandably) selfish intentions, he will find it difficult to focus on the very important fact that it wasn't a perfect relationship. In fact, he was probably unhappy, he and her probably rarely ever had sex anymore and she woman just didn't love him anymore. Secretly, he understands that with the amount of confidence he lacks around women and the level of insecurity he lives with on a daily basis, he was lucky to have a relationship at all. Even though it wasn’t a perfect match-up, now that he has been left alone to face his problems and is being forced to grow as a man, he feels even more scared, depressed, confused and desperate than ever before.
At this point, some guys will search around online and (hopefully) find us here at The Modern Man, learn from our amazing programs and quickly transform themselves into confident, masculine men that women line up for. From there, they will either recapture the feelings of their ex-wife or girlfriend and get back into a now happy and passionate relationship, or they will enjoy meeting and having sex with many new women before eventually deciding to settle down into a relationship. However, most guys are too afraid to admit that they need help with women; they find it embarrassing because society expects guys to just know this stuff, so admitting that you “need help with the ladies,” can be a tough thing to admit and face up to.
Guys who refuse to learn about where they've been going wrong with women will usually spend most of their spare time missing their ex and feeling sorry for themselves. His confidence spirals down further and he he may even consider that he was destined to be rejected by women and will never experience the love and happiness that others experience so easily. However, this is just “comfort thinking” for guys who are too chicken to face up to reality and admit that maybe, just maybe, they made a lot of mistakes in their relationship and need some advice on what they should do around women instead.
Becoming a Beggar in the Dating Scene
If you go to a restaurant, would you rather rummage around in the dirty garbage bin outside and quickly eat the scraps like a beggar would, or would you instead like to choose the exact meal you want from the menu and then happily eat and enjoy it in comfort? Obviously, most people are going to want to choose a meal that they want rather than having to eat dirty scraps. However, when it comes to women and dating, most guys behave like beggars and try to get whatever scraps they can. When a quality woman notices that a man has this "beggar mentality" about women, she instantly rejects him and he has absolutely no chance with her from then on.
In the case of a guy who has just gone through a horrible divorce or relationship breakup, he will often be in such a low state that he will be willing to accept the scraps because he will notice that attractive women are unable to feel attraction for him due to his lack of confidence around them. So, after months of depression and whining about missing his ex, many guys will turn to a friend, a co-worker or relative to help him out and possibly set him up with a single woman they know.
In every case that I know of personally from hearing stories told by my friends and by clients that I have coached in person, the woman they get set up on a blind date with usually isn not an “A” list woman that other guys are lining up for. In fact, she likely doesn’t get many dates herself because she lacks the qualities that most men find attractive, but the friend goes ahead and fixes them up anyway to see what happens. When the divorcee or "breakupee" meets the new woman, even though she’s not especially pretty or would not appeal to most guys, he will usually feel grateful to have a date and it will feel nice to actually talk to another woman who has even a slight bit of interest in him.
However, here is what will happen in most cases. Either:
a) The woman will not be attractive and it will make the guy miss his ex even more.
b) The woman won't like him because he is behaving nervously or lacks the confidence she needs in a guy. So, she will tell him that they should just be friends instead.
So, even though she was someone he normally wouldn’t be interested in – a “substandard” woman – her rejection, once again, causes him to fall deeper and deeper into despair and miss his ex even more. He'll wonder how he will ever find another woman who could come close to making him feel as much as his ex did AND love him back at the same time. Again, this is a sad time for the guy, but it is a crossroads moment for him and he can either choose to grow and become a better man in response, or allow the experience to destroy him and turn him into a weaker, more isolated and lonely man than ever before.
What Eventually Happens...
Eventually, no matter how bad a guy feels, he will finally get to the point where he wants to at least TRY to meet new women and see how he feels. However, when he finally decides to approach and meet some new women, he will usually find that he just doesn't know what to say to women or how to get them interested and wanting to kiss him, give him their phone number or go on a date with him. Additionally, he will discover that women just don't seem to be interested in him because he lacks confidence. He also doesn't know how to properly flirt with them and doesn't really know what to say to get them interested. It all seems so difficult and thoughts of his ex come flooding back, "Maybe, I should just call her and see what happens?" he thinks, refusing to accept the fact that she just doesn't feel attracted to him anymore, she doesn't respect him and she doesn't want to love him like she used to. In most cases, it is OVER unless the guy can transform himself into the type of man she wants...and fast.
Getting nowhere fast, most guys will try to look for the next "easy" dating option. A man will then make the worst dating-related decision of his life: He will try his hand at online dating. Watch this video to discover why using online dating is almost guaranteed to worsen your problems with women if you are not good with women to begin with.
The fact of the matter is, if you want to be successful with women and get back into the dating scene after a divorce or breakup, you need to do a number of things:
- Become confident.
- Learn how to talk to and flirt with women.
- Learn how to escalate to a phone number, kiss and sex.
- Approach women.
If you try to approach women without first becoming confident, they will reject you because they are naturally turned off by guys who lack confidence. If you try to approach women, but you don't know what to say or how to flirt with women in a sexual way, your conversations will be boring and end very quickly. Likewise, if you don't know how to escalate to a phone number, kiss or sex, you won't get past a conversation. Finally, and most important of all, if you don't approach and talk to women, nothing will happen.
If you'd like to learn how to do all of those things (listed above) right now, I recommend you read my ebook The Flow and get on with enjoying your life with women. You have an opportunity to become a better man as a result of the unfortunate breakup you experienced. You can either grow as a man and draw countless women into your life who would LOVE to be with you, or fade away as a lonely man while your ex happily gets on with her life.
If you want to learn more about relationships, where you went wrong with your ex-wife or girlfriend and, more importantly, the RIGHT way to maintain a woman's love, respect and attraction for you in a relationship, I recommend that you watch The Modern Relationship.
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By Dan Bacon, Founder of The Modern Man. Dan Bacon on Google+ (Personal photos with women)