Dan Bacon - Founder of The Modern Man and author of The Flow

Hey – it’s Dan here and this is my story…

A long time ago, I got lucky and hooked up with a girl at a party.

I was young and didn’t know what I was doing, but because we had both been drinking, we somehow started kissing and that then lead to us getting into a relationship.

A year and a half into the relationship, I had become very insecure, clingy and jealous and it was really turning her off. So, she went out with her sister and some friends, cheated on me and then dumped me over the phone the next day.

I was devastated.

I got dumped back in the time before the internet had people online who were helping each other out, so I was basically on my own.

Dan Bacon - home alone...once again

Everyone in my life was just telling me to move on and that there were “plenty of fish in the sea.”

Yet, the problem was that the other fish in the sea didn’t want me.

Sure, I could get an unattractive woman interested (pretty much any guy can do that), but my ex and any other beautiful women that I was attracted to didn’t want anything to do with me.

I was stuck.

Over the next couple of years, I lost a lot of confidence in myself and began to think that I just wasn’t good enough for attractive women. It was a crappy stage of life to go through as a guy.

Eventually, I got to a point where I was sick and tired of missing out on sex, love and relationships with beautiful women. I’d had enough of being alone and thinking that I wasn’t good enough for women.

I’d see other guys with a beautiful girlfriend or wife on their arm and wonder, “Why can’t I get that? What is wrong with me? Why don’t women like me?”

I knew that I was a good guy and that I deserved better, but hot women just didn’t seem to value the traits that I had to offer.

I usually spent my weekends alone at home or catching up with my one and only friend to talk and hang out. I really wanted to meet women and get myself a girlfriend or at least have some sex, but the idea of approaching and talking to women I didn’t know was something that made me feel nervous.

I had no idea what to say to get beautiful women interested and I also feared being rejected.

I worried that if I approached women and got rejected, I’d lose even more confidence in myself and feel worse.

So, I hid behind my fears and remained alone.

Months and then years of my life wasted away, while everyone else around me was enjoying love, sex and relationships.

I tried to improve how I looked by getting fashionable clothes, expensive shoes and even going to tanning salons, but nothing that I did to myself physically made any real change to my situation with women.

Sure, hot women did begin to notice that I was dressing well, but when I tried to talk to them, the conversation would quickly become boring and I would run out of things to say.

Getting the attention of women isn’t the same as making them feel attracted to you when you interact with them. Nothing changed that fact that I simply didn’t know how to get beautiful women to feel attracted to me, so I eventually began to wonder whether there was actually something wrong with me.

Other guys seemed to be doing it so easily, so what was I missing?

Was I an odd, weird type of guy who simply had to stay alone or accept an unattractive woman?

Back then, I thought that might be true.

No matter how much I tried to fill up my life with other things (e.g. watching TV, going to the gym, talking to my friend, etc), there was always something HUGE missing in my life: A beautiful woman who loved me and wanted to be with me.

Despite working in a fairly good job, wearing good clothes and being a good guy, I had no options with women. They just weren’t interested in me in a sexual way. I couldn’t work it out.

Dan Bacon - lonely days

The women that I knew at work or through coworkers were either unattractive or already in a relationship.

So, what was I going to do? Keep looking at porn for the rest of my life? Die alone like some unwanted loser?

No way.

I had to do something about it.

I had to work out what I was missing.

After years of depressing loneliness and feeling left out, I decided to face up to my fears and go out to bars and nightclubs every weekend to approach women until I worked out how to get beautiful women to feel attracted to me.

I was determined to work out how other normal guys were getting such hot girlfriends.

There had to be a simple secret that I was missing.

Around that time, I was lucky enough to meet a new friend who was willing to come along with me and approach women every weekend so he could learn and improve as well.

After a few weeks, I was able to start a conversation fairly well and get some initial interest for a minute or two, but I would then usually run out of things to say and then leave the interaction without getting a number or any other result.

Eventually (after about 200 approaches), I began to work out simple ways to get women to instantly feel attracted to me.

All of a sudden, hot women wanted to keep talking to me and were helping me to keep the conversation going with them. I also started experimenting with using different types of humor and flirting and that is when things really started to change for me.

Dan Bacon - when it all suddenly changed for me

Now that I’d reached the point where hot women were feeling attracted and were really enjoying interacting with me, I then began to work out how to get a phone number, how to move in for a kiss and how to get sex on the first night.

For the women who weren’t open to having sex on the first night, I worked out what to say and do to get them feeling eager to meet me for a first date and then have sex at the end of it.

I was having so much sex during the week and I had several hot women in my life at once.

It was so amazing that it was almost unreal at times.

I’d finish having sex with a hot woman and see her walk out of my bedroom naked, to go to the bathroom and I’d think, “Wow…I did it. I’m having sex with hotties. This is really happening now…and it’s not luck…it’s happening non stop.”

Dan Bacon at nightclub with girlfriend (now wife)

Fast forward 1.5 years later and I’d achieved the type of success with women that most guys only ever dream of.

I was dating and having sex with beautiful women like it was the most natural and easy thing in the world and they were calling ME up and wanting to see me all the time.

The best part about it all was that I was being myself and women were loving me for it. I didn’t have to put on an act, lie to women or use any tacky or weird “seduction” tricks to get women to like me.

I was getting results by simply displaying the personality traits and behaviors that naturally attract women. I was also using a completely different approach to conversation than most guys use with women…and it was working!

It was at this point that I stopped to take a look through all the notes that I’d been keeping at home.

I had pages and pages of notes detailing what I was saying to get women attracted to me, how I was dealing with challenging situations and how I was getting so many women to want to have sex with me.

The notebook that I had been making notes in was packed full of techniques, ideas, perspectives and strategies that most men were unaware of. These techniques were allowing me to stand out from all the other guys and make hot women fall in love with me and want to have sex with me almost immediately.

Over the next year, I cleaned up the notes and put them into the format you can now read in my ebook called The Flow. To make sure that the techniques in The Flow worked just as well for other guys, I gave a draft version of The Flow to some friends (including Ben and Stu who are now a part of The Modern Man) and they were amazed.

My friends who were struggling with women (not Ben and Stu – they were enjoying the same type of success with women as I was at that time) used the techniques and immediately began dating and having sex with new women.

Some of the guys quickly found girlfriends and are still in the same relationship with the same woman today as I write this.

As for Ben and Stu, they were already good with women by that point and had been enjoying the type of success with women that most guys think is impossible.

Dan, Ben and Stu - The Modern Man

I told Ben and Stu about what I’d discovered and how I wanted to share this information with other guys by starting The Modern Man.

They agreed that it needed to be done and The Modern Man mission began.

Since then, we have helped 1,000s of guys to achieve success with women (view 100+ success stories here) and we would be honored to help you too.

Dan, Ben and Stu - Dating Power seminar

If you need help with women, don’t be afraid to learn this stuff. This is the best type of personal development that any man can do.

When you improve your skills with women, you will notice that pretty much all other areas of your life and relationships improve as well. We always hear back from guys who talk about how many friends they have now, how they’ve gotten promoted at work and how much their family and friends now respect them.

When you follow our proven to work advice, you will not only get the type of results with women that you’ve spent most of your life dreaming about, but you will experience massive improvements in other areas of your life as well.

I can’t wait to show you the way to success with women. If you are interested in learning, go ahead and get started now. It will be amongst the best decisions you ever make in life.

Dan Bacon

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  • Tyler  

    Can you please come to Athens, GA, USA and give me a Friday/Saturday lesson?

    I really enjoyed The Flow and Mastery Methods and Mindsets. Inner game is really the way to do it! I’ve been getting phone numbers and getting laid quite often now, but I still need some help with picking up high quality women.

    I want to get a girlfriend now, so if I could take a course with you it would really help me iron out the creases in my game.

    • Hi Tyler

      Thanks for your comment.

      That’s a great offer mate. I am hoping to be in the USA by late next year and I will be making announcements on the site closer to the date. In the meantime, if you want to learn the techniques that we teach on courses – please watch Dating Power. It is 8 hours of mind-blowing video that includes inner and outer game techniques.

      Listen to this free clip to learn more about the Dating Power techniques and how we developed them.


      • Tony  

        agreed, in terms of dating advice, there is A LOT of junk on the internet in the USA. I was one of the lucky one’s to come across the modern man and discover the best secrets about being a man

      • DeCameron Terrell  

        Please respond asap…I need major advice…my girlfriend whom I truly love and I at in a argument. I am a stand up guy I don’t do too much but go to work. She allowed my to move in with her and I was fine with paying things 50/50. Problem is whenever we get into it she is always quickto put me out. And remind me I have nothing for myself. so I left and went home. But my heart didn’t want to do it and since I left she been saying she’d been begging me to come back but yet I don’t know what to Do. She disrespects me sayin I’m not a man. But I try my hardest to be the man my father wasn’t around to teach me to me.. I’m young but not having a lot of love in my life and finally having a chance at it..I just need help..please email me or respond…please. Thanks Dan.

      • Luca  

        Hey Dan,
        I’ve been living with my girlfriend for 2 months, in the last few weeks she had so much stress about personal problems, and she is now asking me for time for herself, she asked me that she feels suffocated by everything and she just need to stay alone for few days, she keep repeating me that it’s not about us but it’s just bc she want her mind stability back, I want to say that we never fight and our relationship except this few week
        Of general stress , has been beautiful without any problem.
        I clearly asked her if this is a simple way to broke up
        With me and she said “NO” and that she just need to clear her mind from all this stress she had in this period! Now I’m asking is this situation normal or should I have some worries for any of this things ?

      • Desmond  

        Hi Dan, I pls I need an advice,there’s this girl I meet sometime ago though she’s older than me so when she asked about my age when we first met I told her playfully that we were age mates, and I didn’t even know that she believed that. We started hanging out and doing things together like we were dating, and I mean sex sleeping at my house, but she always talked about taking her on a date which I was planning to. I like her so much that she actually thinks that I’m talking to her just for sex and she also thinks I don’t give a damn about her which isn’t true. we play a lot, but sometimes when I’m playing with her she always tells me to stop which I didn’t realize why she always tell me that not until now. She called me a liar when I told her my real age so she got mad at me saying that I’m a liar and I told her I didn’t lie about my age to her and that I was playing when I told her we were age mates but still she called me liar which passed by. Some weeks later she forgot about all those I mentioned not until the night she came to spend the night with me, when I was playing with her she asked me to stop which I later did then we went to bed, do the next day I went to her place while I wasn’t feeling too good, so I didn’t talk to her much then I left. After some time I noticed she didn’t text or call me which is unusual then I decided to contact her and I didn’t get a response from her, so I kept calling and texting but it was still no response so I decided to send her a text that I was gonna come by to her place and she didn’t still reply me, but I did went to her place later that day and when she saw me, she was so mad that she didn’t wanna see me at all and then she started texting me that I’m the reason why she’s mad and that I should go away so I actually drove off thinking what had went wrong. The next day she texted me everything that I have done to her which I wasn’t even of including the part when she always tell me to stop that I’m
        Stressing her out. I didn’t argue with her instead I told her I was sorry for everything. Later on she texted me that we should just be. Friends and nothing more, and that she wants to focus on herself now because of her past experiences with guys who treated her badly and also said she needed some time to cool down. We stopped talking When she said she needed some time to cool down, not until on her birthday when I got her something and I contacted her, and she asked me to come over. So when we met we joked a little but when I talked about me and her she said she just wanna be alone and that she isn’t interested in me anymore and that she doesn’t trust me as a person because I lied about my age which I didn’t mean to but she said we can be friends. But she still contact me to help her do some stuffs when she needs my help and the only thing I noticed is that she’s trying to be distant, she doesn’t text or call me anymore if I don’t start the conversation and she try’s to act like a stranger and I always tell her to stop doing that. The last time we met I told her I wanted her to come cook for me and she said ok and I also told her I wan an take her out and she said ok, so my question is she trying to play hard to get this time? or she isn’t really interested and talking to somebody else?, so what can I do to get her back chasing me like she used to because I really like her

      • Deep Parekh  

        Sir I stay in india Mumbai I want to purchase the flow book nd modern relationship book but it’s in dollars please give me a solution to buy it in rupees

        • Hi Deep

          You can purchase in rupees and your credit card company will automatically exchange it to dollars when making the transaction. We have customers from all over the world who purchase in their own currency.

          If you don’t have a credit card, you can also use Pay Pal to pay directly from your bank account, or internet banking to make a direct transfer. See: http://store.themodernman.com/payment.html


  • Tyler  

    Hello Dan,

    Better Than a Bad Boy looks like another great product which I will be purchasing very soon. High quality stuff you have here, chaparoo.

    Two questions I will pose to you.

    Do you consider each of your individual products enough for a man to become a natural? Could a guy take, let’s say, just The Flow and work his way toward mastery with just the advice you provide in that one product.

    Also, what movies do you enjoy and recommend watching that have actors which come off as genuine naturals who follow your dating Tao?

    All is well

    • Hey Tyler

      I loved the “all is well” reference from Mastery Methods & Mindsets. Such a calming mindset that one.

      Regarding your questions:

      1. Yes, I receive success stories all the time from guys who have only read The Flow. However, it depends entirely on what the guy needs to improve. Some guys need to improve less things and are closer to being natural than other guys, so they are able to learn The Flow techniques and use them to enjoy mastery level success immediately. Other guys need additional help to improve their conversation skills, confidence and attractiveness to women. BTW: Since you have already purchased Mastery and The Flow, feel free to contact me here and will reply with a private discount link for you. Note: That offer is available to all existing customers. Just contact me and I’ll help you out.

      2. Wow, that’s difficult to answer because the men are acting to a script and there are usually many minor flaws in their dating approach (thanks to the writers of the movie). So, I’ve never felt comfortable recommending any actor in any movie. However, we do wholeheartedly recommend Bill Rancic who is actually a real person, not an actor. That guy is one of very few men in the world who I can say is a role model for me. There are also a lot of cool men out there who have some great traits, such as Joe Rogan and Morgan Freeman to name a couple of guys.

      BTW: Have you tried the “Exaggerated Personality” technique (based on Hollywood actors) that we talked about in Mastery Methods & Mindsets?


  • Tyler  

    Ah, yes, your confidence building techniques were my favorite part of the Mastery Methods program. I had already applied a couple of them in my later teen years and I see how unbelievably effective they are in helping a guy step out of his comfort zone all while having a bit of fun.

    Just a short while ago I was reading an article by Psychology Today on battling low self-esteem. The article mentions a man named Albert Ellis who used the same technique as you and Ben to become a master of interacting with women!

    A quote from the article mentioned above:

    Some are brave enough to try “implosion”—tackling a challenge so intimidating that once you’ve made it through, your original goal no longer fazes you. Legendary psychologist Albert Ellis pioneered the “shame-attacking exercise” in 1933 at age 19, when he decided to approach every woman who sat down alone on a bench at the New York Botanical Garden. “Thirty walked away immediately,” he told the New York Times. “I talked with the other 100, for the first time in my life, no matter how anxious I was. Nobody vomited and ran away. Nobody called the cops.”

    And Ellis learned he wouldn’t die from rejection. Of the first 130 women he went up to, he got only one date, he said, but “with the second 100, I got good and made a few dates”—and, eventually, got to be “one of the best picker-uppers of women in the United States.”

    This, along with the occasional Exaggerated Personality technique (when I’m really in the mood for a good time), will be my strategy for learning to be more social with people, and I send The Modern Man team my deepest thanks for helping guys like me who were once paralyzed with an irrational mindset of fear to become more courageous and confident.


    • Hey Tyler

      Actually, you need to be careful taking advice from psychologists who are not good with women. I coached a client who had been going to a psychologist for 5 years. She had been telling him to go out and use that approach and it made him worse. I only coached him for two nights and he was cured (and getting phone numbers and kisses). His psychologist then asked to meet me. She paid for me to fly to her state (I was coaching that client interstate) and we all met up at her beach house and I explained the following:

      Telling a guy to assume that he will be rejected will not only make him avoid approaching because he doesn’t want to feel such a painful emotion, but it will also make him see the act of approaching as a bad thing. He will think that he will be annoying most women that he approaches, which is absolutely incorrect.

      After years of approaching, we (The Modern Man) discovered that women actually WANT TO BE APPROACHED. If a woman doesn’t get approached by men, she won’t have much of an opportunity to meet compatible men because, traditionally speaking, it is not the woman’s role to approach. Additionally, there is no such thing as being rejected when approaching. Instead, when a man approaches a woman he is giving both of them an OPPORTUNITY to see if they are COMPATIBLE. If they are not compatible with each other, neither has been “rejected.” Instead, they have simply met someone whom they are not compatible with in terms of a sexual/romantic relationship.

      So, by approaching women in any situation, you are doing both of you a favor. It is a good thing and women do welcome it, as long as the guy approaches correctly.

      Be careful who you listen to when it comes to confidence and success with women and dating. Most men are not highly-skilled at attracting and picking up women and instead “fumble” their way into relationships. Additionally, most women will never truly explain what they want in a man because they fear being judged in a negative way. This is why women almost always say, “I want a nice guy who cares” when they are asked what that want in a man. Yet, they then go for men are not so nice at all and barely care about them.


    • craig  

      Hi Me and my wife met online we been very happy she used to show me off have sex regularly etc… lately she don’t Include me goes out with friends all time partying etc.. not with me and she put pics and vids of her on her social media sites of her dressed sexy nd sexy dancing etc will put vids n pics of her frnds etc saying she loves them but never puts me up and if we go out won’t put up pics of our night she don’t kiss me or make love. If we are together shed be on her phone instead of talking to me she don’t seem to b happy or want me anymore she’s more happier with her friends plz help how can I get her to be attracted to me sexually and love being on my company and want to be with me again.. thank you I look forward to your reply

  • Tyler  

    Hey Dan

    You really know what you’re talking about. I’ve purchased The Flow, Dating Power and the Mastery Methods and Mindsets and in the programs you have provided all a man really needs to know to attract and have a good time with women. I’m a bit of a natural and I’ve dated a few beautiful women before taking any advice from anyone, and you put many things that come naturally to me into words which express exactly what’s happening within the chemistry of the girl and me. You have also taken my knowledge of women to the next level and beyond.

    The thing that draws me in to your products the most is the social dynamics of it all. I don’t hang out with a group of cool guys like I use to back in high school and all of my friends right now happen to be girls. So, your coaching is guiding me toward becoming a happy, fulfilled alpha male who isn’t intimidated by other guys in the presence of women. Also, I’ll eventually have the confidence to approach small and large groups of people. But what I’m most excited about is the possibility that I can date a gorgeous girl I’ve been friends with for 5 years now. She says she’s not attracted to me but she always gives off the signals when we’re together so maybe things will get to the next level. =)

    Anyways, one more thing I want to ask. Is there any book or program concerning social dynamics outside of The Modern Man which you will whole-heartedly recommend to the layman interested in becoming more of a social guy with women AND men.

    Viva Modern Man

  • Scott  

    Hey Dan and team.
    Will you’s be conducting more modern man seminars in the next few years in other countries around the world? Especially the UK?
    Would be good to come along to one, i know you’ve held seminars in Australia a few year back, seen some of the excerpts from your site. I already have to date, The flow. 21 greats ways to get a girlfriend. And interview with a natural (Andrew).
    Please keep me posted on seminar dates, thanks.

    • Hi Scott

      Thanks for your question.

      Possibly mate. I’m planning on holidaying in Brazil next year and may then go to California, New York and London to do a seminar tour. I’ll make an announcement if that will be happening. In the meantime, I am currently recording a bunch of new, mastery level video programs to be released this year. [Updated: The new programs are now available]


  • alex  

    Hi Dan,

    Just wanted to say that you really have great confidence and body language. How did you develop this and any recommendations on books, products not just within the context of attracting women? Much appreciated.


    • Hi Alex

      Thanks for the compliment mate – much appreciated.

      Like you, I was thinking the same thing in the early days, “Which books should I read?” I went to a bookstore and found books on body language by Alan Pease, etc. However, none of the books were written by authors who were experts at attracting women…especially that Alan Pease guy – he is no ladies man let me tell you.

      Honestly mate, I practice what I teach here at The Modern Man and that is why I am confident and have great body language. If you want the success I have with women and the confidence I now naturally exude, you need to learn from our programs. All of the answers and solutions are in there.

      BTW: Your body language will naturally take of itself when you are truly confident. To build true confidence, you need to go through a process. We explain it in Dating Power.


  • Rytis  

    Hey Dan, just wanted to say that your material is great, I just starting digging in and learned alot already, now I’m starting to apply it bit by bit, so perhaps I can gain more confidence in my social life.

    I’m currently in a long-distance relationship, and having communication problems with my girl, She used to write me everyday, but now we barely talk, she barely flirts, before that we used to have alot of drama. She sometimes writes me each month to come over visit her, but usually talks cold on phone. Is it my fault that the time gap between talking more often has built?

  • Tom  

    Hey man, i’m very interested in pushing the limits of my game. It’ll be great to be able to go out and sarge with you if you’re availble.

  • Bryan  

    I have a relationship problem.. hope can seek your advice through email..

    • Hi Bryan

      Thanks for your comment.

      Sorry Bryan, I don’t have time for providing advice via personal e-mails. All of my advice is contained in my programs – this avoids me having to repeat myself 1,000s of times.

      I respond to dating advice requests on the site (posted up as comments) after about 2-3 weeks and respond to customer questions about my products within 24 hours. If I opened myself up to personal e-mails, I’d have 100s of people e-mailing me everyday (we have over 60,000 people on our newsletter list so it would likely be 1,000s). Just imagine trying to deal with that AND have a life.

      If you want me to devote time to help you out, please sign up here: http://www.themodernman.com/phone_coaching.html

      If you’d like to ask me which of my programs would fix your relationship, please reply and ask.


  • Frankie  

    Hey, I’m lost and I strongly feel that out of all the authors you can be the only one that can put me at peace. I just need to put myself back together.

    I’ve met this girl 3 years ago in november, I was totally an alpha around her. She was soo submissive and everything. We dated for about two 8 months then I went in a trip for 4 months and broke up with her because of the frustration between us. Eventually we got back together a couple of years ago. I was the best time of both our lives. She used to steal on of my t-shirts just to have me around when I was gone, always texted me and messaged me, she always called me. I was the alpha but I loved her. She said she would be by my side no mather what. The only thing is that I didn’t give the same impression because I didn’t want to think she can have me forever. Then she left for a job in another town. She kep texting me, crying how much she misses me, I used to text her once in a while, she always asked me to go visit her and I said I’m too busy she should come here.
    I loved her but I wanted to dominate her so I would never lose her.

    One day she came back home and broke up with me. Said I’m absent from the relationship and it’s not worth it anymore. Then I found out a guy has been talking to her before she broke up with me, a nice guy apparently that made her see she was valuable, and I know she is excited to be with him now. After 2,5 years how can she just quit so fast in a couple of weeks?

    Where did I go wrong Dan? Did I push the alpha thing too far? How did I make a girl that would do everything for me just leave me like that? And most importantly, I know she is with another guy now in another city, but if there could be some way I could get her back, if I could implant the idea in her head that she needs me. But at the same time I don’t want to look like the wimp that is submissive. We have to meet in a couple of weeks for some business, and I have to pretend to be very chill, I know that’s my chance. What product should I use? What do you think I should do?

    • Hi Frankie

      Thanks for your question.

      I wonder who you’ve been learning from before eventually arriving at my site. Unfortunately, there is a lot of amateur advice out there on the net these days and too many guys surf around trying to find free advice from anyone and then end up getting themselves into more trouble with women.

      Being alpha and not being needy is great, but you also need to have the right balance of love, attention, affection and wanting. That sounds pretty obvious to you now, so I won’t go into any more detail.

      As for getting her back…

      Most rebound relationships don’t work out, so don’t worry – he should be fading out of the picture pretty soon anyway. If he’s a super nice guy that devotes himself to her and becomes too needy, she will eventually lose attraction for him when the initial novelty of being loved and wanted so much wears off and she realizes that he’s a bit of a wimp. In the meantime, you need to become a total man so that in any interaction you have with her from now on (in person, on Facebook, via e-mail, on the phone, etc) will cause her to feel respect and attraction for you again. When she starts to feel that, she will open herself back up to you.

      The program for you is definitely Better Than a Bad Boy: http://store.themodernman.com/in/2cf8a89 She won’t know what hit her when you start using the techniques from that program. You’ll notice the changes in how she treats you immediately.


  • Katlego  

    Hie Dan where in South Africa can I get your books.Or is there a shipping option

  • Will  

    Hi Dan,

    I used your advice and products to start a relationship with a wonderful girl. We are going on four months “dating” at this point. I have strong feelings for this girl, but I’m confused about how to go about the “love” aspect of the relationship or who should say “I love you” first. Any thoughts or idea on this would be great. Thanks!


  • Ray  

    Hey Dan, loving your series of films and books that i have purchased. Wasn’t sure how else to contact you so hopefully you can help me here.

    It’s been around six weeks since my girlfriend and i split. Together for 1 year 7 months.She in her early 20’s, me in my late 30’s!! We were very good as a couple but i suffered from depression and had a breakdown. Although she stuck by me, it was too much for her in the end. We work together and she now blanks me. And she is seeing another co-worker, although they both deny it. He was a mate too.

    It’s so difficult to see them together in my face and other co-workers are finding it hard to watch too. I am one of the popular guys at work. Their relationship is obviously a rebound. He is not her type.

    Was shocked and so upset to realise that she left me for him while i was in my depressive bout. Most colleagues, especially women are baffled as to why she has chosen him over me. I begged her tell me what had happened, all the tears and anxiety came out right in front of her. But, I never asked for her back. Just why? Of course, her replies were vague, and lies were easily noticed – ‘I need time for myself and have to be selfish and need space’ etc. Space with him?
    Am following your advice (around a week ago). However, I took her off facebook myself, before I read and watched your stuff in a moment of anger. Have had no contact for around 30 days apart from seeing her at work and i say the occasional ‘Hi’, to which she responds or ignores me.

    I was not spiteful or nasty in any way while we were together and we adored eachother. But I became weak and needy and turned her off and she ended up being more of my best friend and I cut my buddies out of the equation.

    Gone was the talk and sincerity she had with myself and friends and family when she exclaimed that she wanted my children and marriage.

    Any advice, and what should I do about facebook? Your vids and books I purchased have really opened my eyes to whats out there and its helping. Im also in counseling and making myself a stronger and better man, slowly and gradually. Looking forward to things to come. Thanks so much, Dan. Ray U.K.

    • Hi Ray

      Thanks for your positive feedback and question.

      You should definitely add her back on Facebook. The “No Contact Rule” is not a part of my system and is not something that I ever recommend. It is a rule made up by amateurs who are just guessing what to do. Add her back on Facebook and use the method from Step 3 of the system. You really have to put that step into action.

      I just checked out your Facebook (by searching you with the e-mail you provided with the comment) and your Facebook profile and activity looks cool/good, but you are lacking the important elements that I talk about in the system. Put that into action.

      Also, make sure that you are getting her respect and attraction back when you see her at work, by being the attractive guy that I talk about in Step 2 of the system.


      • Ray  

        Thanks so much for the reply, Dan. Wouldn’t it look weak if i asked her to be my facebook friend again, after deleting her? If she hasn’t bothered to add me back and i feel she is not bothered at trying to look at my profile, should I really add her back. Should I message her first?

        And should i give her details of a new phone and number that i have purchased? My sister thought it would make me look weak. The text message I drafted was small, to the point and asking if my ex would like my new number. Along with a ‘Hey, hope you are enjoying this lovely day!!!’ at the beginning. I’ve watched up to step 3 of the system.

        What can I do if she is in a rebound with this guy? Just wait it out? What if she is in love with him? Is she really repressing the feelings we had together? It was like a fairy tale and we got so close.

        She really stood up for me when i had my first bout of depression. But this year, as I got it again for a few weeks, this is when she started consoling in him and they started their hidden relationship, thinking that I didnt love her. I’ve had no contact from her at all. Only at the beginning, when she said we can remain friends. Sitting next to her in the canteen just after we split, i spied what she had been text on her phone from him. A text of a loving nature and I confronted her about what i saw. She denied it was a loving message.

        She passes me at work with her phone in her hand and laughs out loud to show she is getting funny messages from him. He isnt funny though. And why would she do that to me. Spite? I dont deserve that at all.

        Most colleagues and friends tell me that I should just leave her alone and move on. But i feel something can be saved, because there was so much more to do together and how passionate we were together. It feels so out of the blue, all this.

        Any thoughts Dan? By the way, I hope that the facebook page you checked was mine, from the uk and not the guy from Massachusettes!! Thanks again, mate.

        • Hey Ray

          You’re welcome mate.

          “Wouldn’t it look weak if i asked her to be my facebook friend again, after deleting her?” Nothing that an alpha male decides to do is weak. If an alpha male wants something, he does it. That’s strength, conviction and taking action by decision.

          What to do from here:

          1. You need to put the techniques from Step 3 of the system into action.
          2. Stop behaving in a jealous way. That is the opposite of what you should be doing. Example from your comment, “i spied what she had been text on her phone from him. A text of a loving nature and I confronted her about what i saw. She denied it was a loving message.” Remember: You are happy with or without her. If you’re not, then go back to Step 2 and complete the exercises.
          3. Change the photos on Facebook: Just checked out your Facebook again. You’ve been adding photos of you on your own. No, no, no! :) Refer to Step 3 for instructions on what photos to add.


  • José  

    Hola Dan

    I feel very hesitant to move to Step 4. It is been close to 2 month since there have been any minute type of interaction.
    I ALWAYS feel like moving too fast for a meet up after not talking for so long may put too much pressure and repell her. I ALSO feel like using the “to say good bay in a mature way” card puts way too much presure into the improvements I’ve made [I don’t feel like I am all the great I can be and all the impressive I can accomplish over time, althought the mindset part of it is done, and emotionally too, besides not feeling confortable at the phone and getting kind of nerveous as to the previous moments of going on stage to talk for example]. This are my two areas of conflict. Althought your advice makes complete sense and I follow it religiously, I sense it a bit too full on [also we are in distance and it would be an Skype meet up].
    Also because I think I want to start developing a connection over a series or interactions and meet ups [not only one?] over time [she sensing she can talk to me without feeling she has to scape from the situation, which is are my chances to attract her] and so, what would my justification be for that if I told her is one last final meet up-catch up?

    Could you at least answer to me this, because it is my area of conflict. All those particular things. That, and how to take things from the first meet up to a series of meet ups. Once we are more frequently talking again, I think I can do it well and start exhudating all what I’ve learning and being able to apply it in a more relaxed way [not in a PRESSURED 5 min phone call or in a ONE LAST FINAL meet up on Skype]. It just doesn’t feel natural to me so I don’t get calm that I can develope this over time in a cool manner, at the same time that I keep on Step 2 of the System.
    What is all your advice on it?
    I need a final boost help from yours!


    • Hi José

      Thanks for your question.

      If you don’t feel ready to meet up with her, then it’s clear that you fit into the category of about 20% of other guys who go through my system. In your case, you need to use Plan B first.


  • chris  

    Hey dan so my gf of a year and 7 months just broke up with me. I am 25 she is 46 with 13 yr old daughter. We started off hooking up and then it became serious met each other parents and i met her kid. Her ex husband ia still in her life and she works alot. I want her back. She said that she could not give me a kid and that right now she can only give me 50 percent instead of 100. And she said she doesnt want me to resent her. She did this in person. After we had dinner and sex i slept over and she made breakfest. We both cried. Monday i called her in morning and we talked she confuses me. I ask her if she would want to get together saturday she is like we will see. I do not know what to do i have not talked to her since it seems like all the pressure in her life is to much. Do you have any advice ? I feel like she is making a mistake. I want to be with her forever. I love her daughter too. Also i think she is overwhelmed so right now i am giving her space. My mom is having surgery next week and she said she will help me out when my mom is in the hospital. So i dont know what else i can do. Please help i really love her and she loves me just think everything in her life is to much. I only see her once a week and i asked for more time and thats when i feel she felt pressured and she is a distancer and i am a pursuer. Thanks hope to hear from you.

  • scott mueller  

    ive recently met someone over the summer at the pool where I live we both got along but it wasn’t until 2 months ago that I realized I have feelings for her when we first started talking she basically opened up to me about her past and some of her current problems it was like she wanted my advice and that’s not like it for a woman to open up like that especially to a guy she recently met I had my suspicions this past summer that she might like me but before I make my move I want to make sure she feels the same about me from what ive told you do you think she might have feelings for me to

    • Hey Scott

      Thanks for your question.

      Telling her that you have feelings for her is not the process that you should follow. Doing so usually leads to rejection.

      You need to attract her, flirt with her and make sure she is sexually attracted to you before you make a move. Talking to her as a friend doesn’t mean that she wants to begin a sexual relationship with you.

      Watch the video here:


      • scott mueller  

        thanks dan

  • Ka'Ron Cooper  

    Hey Dan,
    so me and my girlfriend have been dating for 4 months and it has been great. We was still together while I was away for school and recently I came back home for the summer. one night I was at her house having dinner and drinking we both got drunk and we had got into a fight. She threw a shoe at me and I grab the shoe but I didn’t do nothing with it at all. Next thing you know she said that we need a break because of school, work, and her son. Keep in mind that we were together while she was in school, working, and having her son as well. We talked recently and I asked her do she still love me and said yes, I asked her is there one else in the picture or seeing anyone else she said no not at all. I asked her is I’m still her baby and she said yes. Last question I asked her how long would we be on this break and she told be give her a month. What does this mean, Dan? Is she really going to leave me or not? Does she really love me like she say she does? Please help me sir.

  • Brian  

    Hello Dan,
    Sorry if this is long. I want you to see the depth of how my interaction went with the woman I am talking to is.
    I work in a factory and there is a woman (I will call her Ash) on my line whose sister just started. I did notice Ash’s sister in the new hire group, but I did not think anything about her. I thought she was attractive and nothing seemed wrong, but I just wasn’t really looking for love at that moment. Like they say you never find it when you’re looking. (I will call her sister “A”). The next day “A” came over to talk to a guy who works by me who is friends with her. I smiled politely, not really realizing that it was the same woman who was in the hiring class the day before. “A” came by several times to talk that day, and I did talk a bit, but not like I would if I had really been trying. The very next day the sister “Ash” comes to me and says that “A” told her I was sexy and she wanted me to have her number (which I was given). From that point on “A” would come around and we would talk, she would tease me and me back at her. It got very open and a little flirty from the get go. She would say my name and wave and playfully smile (with eye contact) when she went to go back to work. We started hanging around each other on each other’s breaks. She (as well as I) would both always have a giddy smile whenever she would come over and talk to me. You know that smile you get when you are really excited to see someone and just be around them? That’s the smile.

    So “A” and I set up a date, and there was never any sense that she was hesitant to go out with me. It started off with dinner and great conversation. Lots of smiling, flirting, and some laughing. Very good back and forth between us. I was very comfortable, but not giving her loads of my life story or over complimenting. Judging by her smiles, laughter, and demeanor everyone who took note would have said she was having a great time. I was teasing her about things like when her leg brushed mine by accident in the restaurant, and I made a light joke about her trying to play footsie with me (she laughed at that). She would tease me back about things we talked about at work. She had said that if she got back from our date early she was going to play with her sister “Ash’s” kids. But she didn’t push it like she wanted to end our date early. I decided to just drive after we left the restaurant and see where it took us.

    I asked if she wanted to see where I live and she said yeah. We went back to my house. We went into the kitchen and she wanted to show me a music video of a band she likes. She got real close while watching the video. She leaned into me and our shoulders and upper arm were completely touching. I decided to see if she would pull away from that touch so I kept just as close to her to see if she would move. She did not move away, but let the arm to arm touch continue for the whole video. When the video finished she kinda leaned away from me a few inches and gave me that giddy smile and that playful look again. I knew I wanted to kiss her at that point so I went in for a kiss. We ended up making out for almost 15 minutes. We touched foreheads with both our eyes closed. I started playfully teasing her. To which she returned by playfully saying “I’m mad at you now” with a look in her eyes that said the exact opposite. I looked at her with a smile and said “Oh you’re mad at me” and inched my way towards her. She repeated “I’m mad at you” with that continued look that said otherwise. (she really was not mad at me. She was being very playful at this point; her eyes, body language, smile, everything). I went in and put my hands on her hips and looked into her eyes. She looked at me like she wanted to kiss, so I went in again. We made out for another 10 minutes or so. We were both acting very “couplish” if you will. There was some back and forth conversation. Then she suggested that we could watch a movie on the couch. We started watching a movie which was nearly 2 hours long. At first, we were sitting on the couch and she leaned into me with her head on my shoulder and her legs bent with her knees over my lap. I put my arm over her legs (she was wearing short shorts and was rubbing my hands along her legs She in turn was running her fingers along my arm). After 20 minutes of the movie I looked down at her and she looked up at me. We started kissing again. It lead to us laying on the couch making out till the movie ended. We kissed off and on throughout, and I ran my hands along her legs, butt, her breasts, and many other areas. We did not have sex nor did any clothes come off (although, we definitely could have had sex). I did not come out and say that I liked her or show too much interest at any point. At one point she even looked at me and said “you don’t need to earn brownie points anymore, I already like you”. To put it simply, anyone who could have seen us would have thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend. And not just because of the physical touching and kissing, but also the facial expressions, body language, gestures, conversational interactions, the look in her eyes, teasing, etc. I could tell that she felt something by the way she was acting even when we were not making out. I mean she ran her fingers through my hair and would hold my forearm at various times throughout the date. When I went to take her home she took her hand and started rubbing my arm. We ended up holding hands till we got to her apartment. Then we kissed again for a bit. We talked about going out again. When I said I wanted to see her again, she asked “you promise?”. I got nothing but really amazing vibes from her. Even her sister “Ash” who works with me said she told her she had a really great time and wanted to see me again. She said she was really excited after going out with me. That she couldn’t stop smiling and grinning.

    I have not been clingy, needy, or pushy. I have not told her deep heart felt feelings or anything like that. I have shown some interest, but not gone over the top to keep from scaring her away. Things have been running very well since. And under different circumstances I feel that I would have a new girlfriend named “A” after our very first date. However, I am facing a few obstacles now in continuing to grow with her. The first, as “A” told me, she just got out of a bad long term relationship about 3 weeks prior. “A” told me she wanted to take it slow, which I am ok with because I know that will allow us to build a truly solid foundation when she is ready to move to the next step. “A” told her sister that she is dealing with a lot from the old relationship and she doesn’t want to ruin anything between her (“A”) and I. I know she is done with the ex because she not only had him move out, but is in the process of getting another apartment in another town. She also doesn’t talk about him or her past like she is still stuck on him. We haven’t actually talked about him at all. “A” told her sister that she “really likes me and wants to keep talking and dating”, we just need to go slow. I already know and see that we can interact at work just chatting and more so on a date when it is just the two of us together in an amazing and affectionate way (just as “A” does, and has told me she does too).
    As I said I am alright with going slow as this woman is a knockout, cool and down to earth, and her personality is great. Since hearing this from her though (about 4 days after our first date), our texting convos have not been as energized as they were before. This could be my fault as I am used to going a little faster when it comes to romance and courting. I need to apply more of the flirty/sexual tension techniques again. I read things on here to try to build sexual tension, flirt, and continue to have her get happy, excited feelings when she interacts with me. I am trying to get used to going slow while she goes through things. I believe that she wants to get all the old feelings of her recent breakup and ex out, and not have them destroy anything that she has with me since she says she really likes me. I also believe she wants to go slow so that we can continue to talk, build, grow, and get to know each other while she handles things. That way she isn’t really putting us on hold which could cause us to fizzle out, but rather keeps us building slowly so that once she has handled things on her end we will have built up a great beginning and truly be open to a fully potential relationship.
    My question is, what tips and things can I do/say/text while we are going slow to keep her initial interest in me going (while we wait), and keep her wanting to see me during this time while she is transitioning from a past relationship to hopefully a new one with me? I want to be the man on her mind when she thinks of moving on to a new relationship/boyfriend. How can I keep myself in the forefront of her mind and stay on top? I believe that if I can get her out with me again, and we have sex, then judging by our interactions I will gain entry into boyfriend territory. Considering that we are still playing the courtship game I wish I had had sex with her that first date. Perhaps we would be a couple now. I don’t let it get me down, but rather keep working at it with her. What do you think? Please help me.

  • Jon Lowe  

    Hey Dan, I would like some advice. Could you email me at [e-mail removed by Dan] when you have a chance?

    • Hey Jon

      Thanks for your question.

      I can’t do free e-mail advice (imagine 100 guys e-mailing you everyday asking for advice for free), but I can help you via phone coaching. Alternatively, post up your question here and I will reply as soon as I can.


  • Al  

    Hi Dan.

    My brother purchased The Flow and we are reading it together.

    I’ve been intrigued in what you have to say, because it covers a lot of key fears that the other so-called ‘PUAs’ and ‘dating coaches’ failed to bring up.

    For example, fear of being clouted for expressing sexual interest. Or the fear of coming across as ‘sleazy’ or ‘using’. This is particularly important to me since I also have Asperger’s, which makes things even more complicated, so I’ve been rewatching your videos and pouring over ‘The Flow’ over and over again just to make sure it goes into my head.

    Unfortunately, I’m a difficult case because I was a victim of a very traumatic experience in my pre-teen years. I won’t go into it, but it left me very weary and untrusting of women in general, and my previous budding confidence I’d had as a kid was left in ruins.

    Fortunately, I finally came to terms with the experience last year and came to terms with it through therapy, and now that I have accepted that what happened wasn’t my fault, it seems to have made a difference. I’m beginning to trust people more now, and working up more courage to consciously flirt with women.

    The tricky thing is, now I have to build up my experiences 11 or 12 years later than everyone else, including my confidence. On top of that, my life has had some difficulties (one of my parents was seriously ill a few weeks ago), so how would you maintain confidence when you feel that everything in your life is going badly?

    Also, I took an interest in this girl at one point, she kissed me shortly after we first reconnected, and I felt like I’d connected with someone for the first time (or maybe that was just me – she clocked that I was tense). Then I ended up doing the ‘nice guy’ silliness. She showed some affection, desire to have me around longer than I was available for, and a couple of small possible signs of attraction now and then), but ultimately it was a battle that I lost.

    Would I be able to turn such a perception around? It’s been a bit of time since we last talked and I have no idea if she’s spoken for or not now.

    Sorry to ramble on, but I wanted to cover all bases.


    • Hey Al

      Thanks for your question.

      Feeling positive when life is bad: Just accept that life isn’t 100% happy and smooth sailing all the time. Regardless of how much people try to convince themselves that everything will perfect 100% of the time, that isn’t how life works. If things aren’t going well, just know that they will get better soon. Life isn’t good or bad all the time.

      Just keep pushing forward towards your biggest goals and ambitions and ride the bumps along the way. Everything will be fine in the end.

      The girl you kissed: Just follow through and keep going. Many girls are insecure and don’t want to show a lot of very obvious interest, so she will need you to be the courageous one and keep things moving along. Watch this:


  • A  

    Hey Dan, a really quick question: I sent to the girl i like flowers to her office and all she did was send me a text message saying “so sweet!”
    she doesn’t like me a bit, am i right or wrong?
    what would you do ?
    i didnt say anything to her yet cause i dont wanna mess up

    • Hey A

      Who gave you that advice man? Someone from 1940? A black and white movie? :)

      Mate, that’s not the way to court a woman in today’s world. Women hook up with guys who make them feel sexually attracted, not guys who send flowers to show their interest.

      Here’s an article I wrote about guys giving flowers and getting rejected: http://www.themodernman.com/dating/dumped-for-giving-flowers.html Make sure you watch the videos on that page too and it will all make sense for you.


  • Cam  

    What’s up Dan? So I started dating this woman 7 months, she and her ex of 5 years had broken up about a year before her meeting me, she said he was verbally abusive to her, she caught him cheating, not working, etc. Throughout the relationship with me she wanted to take things slow… I never met any of her family, but she was not afraid to say “I love you”, always was affectionate, bought me things, I bought her things, she would spend all her free time with me but her ex still lived in the apartment with her name on the lease and bills also, so she helped with that from time to time to prevent her credit being messed up… It confused me sometimes that she showed all this love to me and treated me great, but she had me closed off to some of her life and it made me kind of pushy to get her to let me in, we began to argue a little more the last month, she said she wanted to be in a relationship with me… four days later she called and said she feels bad for making me wait this long on her and it’s not fair, and that she is not ready for a relationship and she has done some things that she is not proud of… I just told her “okay cool” the next day she text me just to say hi and carried a normal conversation on… What should I do? Was I the rebound guy?

    • Hey Cam

      Yes, you were a rebound in this case.

      To change that, you need to gain a lot more power in the relationship. You can’t be willing to see her and talk to her when you know that she is using you (to make herself feel good while she gets over her ex) like she has been all along.

      I recommend that you go through my program and put the techniques into action. I can promise you that if you follow the system properly, she will call you and try to meet up with you and then apologize for her mistakes. However, you have to follow the steps of the system properly and stand your ground, rather than getting sucked in by her usual seduction methods (i.e. she shows you love, reels you in, but secretly doesn’t feel enough for you to want to truly commit).

      I don’t know enough about the situation between you and her to say for sure, but it sounds like she’s been playing you all along and never intended on committing to you. The only way to change her mindset about that is to make her feel an intense feeling of respect and attraction for you and then gain power in the relationship by approaching it in a new way (i.e. you are the more valuable one).



  • Cam  

    So she came over to give me my key and she said that she swears she doesn’t want to be with her ex or nobody else right now, she just needs time to get over everything that was done to her. I told her I hope things workout for her and maybe we will run into each other, she started crying and said please don’t lose my number, and please don’t throw away any of the things I bought you they mean a lot to me and I do love you… she cried more and just wouldn’t let me go… she said I was definitely not a rebound she just need to do this for herself so she is fully healed. We kissed for about 30 min before she left… I woke up to a missed text telling me not to drink and a missed call from her 30 min later. I text her back about 10 hours later when I woke up… she continues to text and call… I never text or call first… I don’t know if I should tell her to go figure herself out and in the mean time I have to go live my life …. or just continue to respond and see her.

    Also, is It possible after her being in a relationship for 5 years, getting cheated on and humiliated.. she really actually just need time to heal. I don’t want to give up if that’s the case but if she is playing games then I’m not sure If I should pursue

    • Hi Cam

      You shouldn’t be rewarding her with back and forth communication like that. It will simply help her move on without you.

      When a woman feels enough respect, attraction and love for a guy, she will heal when in a relationship with him. Her saying that she needs to be away from you to heal could be true, but it sounds like she’s just stringing you along at the moment to feel better about herself.

      The correct steps to follow are outlined in my system. I can’t teach you everything here in the comments – there are techniques in my program that will get her stop playing games with you and heal while she is with you. If you need my help, I recommend that you get the program and starting watching it right away.


  • trevor  

    I’ve noticed that you aren’t a big fan of the no contact rule. I’m wondering how much time you think is needed to begin changing yourself following your suggestions before you should reach out to be able to show your ex that you really have changed. Don’t these changes require a little of time and isn’t even a little bit of space a good thing?

    • Hey Trevor

      Yes, that’s right.

      The No Contact Rule is taught by people on Youtube who have no idea how to actively attract a woman. They advise guys to ignore a woman for 30-60 days after a break up in the hope that it makes her miss him and come running back. Yet, that only works if the woman is still in love with him and really wants to be with him.

      In most ex back cases that guys are going through, the woman has had enough of him and is completely turned off. That is why I recommend a maximum of 3-7 days of space before you begin actively re-attracting her again.

      See: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/how-much-space-should-you-give-your-ex-before-contacting-her.html


  • Oni  

    Hi Dan,
    I meet a attractive looking girl about 7 months ago (she is 7 yrs younger than me) at a place I volunteer. I have feeling for her so much so I even dream of her sometimes in my sleep. I am a average looking, a bit over weight Indian guy while she is a thin attractive white American girl with beautiful brown hair. A month ago I asked her out via text, to go see a movie. She said “possibly”. But as the date of the movie showing approached she said she made “other plans”. Now I am not sure if that is a reject or not and I am also too shy to say her I have feelings for her. I have not contacted her since then. What to do? Thanks.

  • Hoz  

    Hey dan i really really need your help can i be in touch with u somehow or mail you

  • Jose  

    hey dan, I’ve been reading your articles and I think they’re cool. I’ve got one question I’d like to ask you please:

    There is a girl I’ve never talked to and I would like to start talking to her but the problem is that I’ve always felt insecure about talking to girls that I think are way out of my league and she’s one of that kind of girls, what should I do

  • selim  

    Hi Dan !
    My gf told me that i was selfish and all i cared about was my happiness, she also said i gave her the willies. While i was googling what it meant i came across with your article “My Girlfriend Says I am Selfish”. I read it and took some notes then i watched that 21 mins long video. Listen man; I love my gf we’ve been together for 2 years and I am not a casanova, she is the one.
    I have had lots of problems with my life and parents, more than you would assume. Due to these reasons i found out i expected her to over treat me, you know showing the love that i didn’t get any from parents and caring more than she should. Since she is a normal person she refused to do so and I lost my interest to her. After hearing from her that i was selfish, i decided it is time to man up and make her happy again.
    Well the thing is I don’t know what to do from now on. How will I earn her love and respect? How can I apply those methods?
    Please help me.

  • rinoa  

    HI Dan,

    Does your Get Ex Back product includes, getting your ex back even she has a new guy or inlove with the new guy? or she already moved on to you?
    I wish i could have see your product sooner..

  • Ashan  

    Hi dan, i really need help, me and my gilfriend are dating for 9 months now and it has been so amazing , i used to be a player but since i met her i changed so much, i stopped partying i stopped drinking and every other activity, its so hard for me to go 15 minutes without talking to her, when ever she says she will call me i just keep the phone with me dying for that call, im a extremely sensitive guy, even the slightest thing i get hurt , she always tells me no has ever loved her like this, when i go to work i look at her pics all the time and suddenly yesterday she said she needs space out of no where, when i asked her why, she said she wont break up its just she needs bit of time alone to do her chores and she keeps promising she will never leave me , but from the time she told me that ive been getting more sad and cries all night wondering if i will lose her, we live in 2 different countries too, what should i do? Please help me, im so lost when ever she doesnt talk to me.. Thank you in advance..

  • Richard  

    Hi Dan

    I’m 20 years old and I’m in need of some help.
    I’m sort of lost when it comes to the art of attracting women.
    I have been successful a few times in the past, but the relationships never really last long.

    I wouldn’t consider myself to be ugly, but I’m definitely not below average.
    I have been told numerous times throughout my life that I’m not good enough for certain things or not good looking enough, and that has led me to believe that… well I’m not.

    All those negative comments have really given my self confidence a hard knock and I won’t stand for any of the negativity and doubt in myself anymore.

    I want change.
    I NEED change.
    I’m just looking for that first step to get me started?

    Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, since I can’t afford any of your products.

    Thanks for all the help and effort you put in towards bettering the lives of others.
    You are a true role model.

  • Ann (sweden)  

    Hi! Ive read most of your fact about nice guy and I agree as a woman. Everything you describe about what happens when nice guys are “nice” and have a loss of selfesteem etc just fits in! I have a question. I left “my” nice guy and went thru all the stages(lost my respect as he didnt respect himself, didnt lead in any way, and so on). He was married for 12 years and wife left him and after seven years alone he had a three year long relationship but it ended too. He couldnt be himself he said Im quite sure she took the initiativ to break up. Then he met me. Five years…Ofcourse it was hard for me to break up and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing . Now he started a relationship with a new coworker he is 56 and she 32. I guess its easier for a mr nice guy to start a relationship with a coworker (they then know one another better and he can be himself ??).He never show any anger or other negative feelings and never share those. Always the same person same t one in his voice. I had to leave.
    But my question is IS there anything called “the right woman” for mr nice guy? Im ashamed to say that he aloud to be treated as a doormat. Or will he repeat all “mistakes” once again. Thank you for sharing all the interesting facts that we woman also can use!

    • Hi Ann

      For those reading along, this is the article Ann is referring to: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/55-reasons-why-nice-guys-fail-with-women.html

      About your question, Ann: The type of woman that a doormat type of nice guy usually gets is an unattractive, insecure woman who needs to be with a guy who is afraid to leave her because he knows it will be difficult for him to find another woman.

      However, I think a better woman for him would be an attractive woman who inspires him to be a better man and lets him know that she would respect him more if he wasn’t such a doormat.

      Yet, I understand that women don’t want to take on the role of a being a guy’s teacher in life about how to be a man.

      So, doormat nice guys rarely come across that type of opportunity. Instead, they get rejected and dumped again and again until they eventually find my site or a site like mine and learn that they can be a good guy while also having balls and not being such a pushover.

      I hope you find a more confident guy who treats you well, Ann.

      Good luck.


  • P  

    Hello Dan,

    Is it possible to change a woman’s view of you, after you made a romantic gesture to her that she’s probably taken the wrong way?

  • Ladydarksky®  

    You are right though every woman wants that alpha male with the good guy attitude, know any? i seem to attract the bad boys who i am not even interested in, they bore me lol Course a good Alpha male that is good catches my attention every time, to bad there is a huge lack in that!

  • Terry  

    Hi there Dan, thanks for all the insights to the female brain. I have to admit that all of what you and the boys talk about are fully true.

    I bought the Flow and it was a great read, I went out for about a month with enormous confidence. The problem I encountered though was coming across as Gay on so many occassions. The women couldn’y believe a straight guy could be so confident so they instantly labelled me as Gay. by the way I should mention I don’t have a body builder’s physique so I don’t know if being slim and not very masculine looking might have caused this confusion. But I don’t want to come across as a bikey slob with tatts either. So what I am trying to get at is you have never mentioned in any of your articles what if you get the gay treatment. I am the most straight person I know, so what do I do with all this new found confidence and stay out of the gay zone :/
    Not sure if you will see this comment due to I know you are extremely busy. But I hope you get to it some day 😉
    Keep up the great work!!

  • David  

    Need help….i cant even post my story here…that how embarrassing and sad i am

    • Hi David

      There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

      Everyone has a story, everyone has made mistakes and everyone can learn and improve.

      As we go through life, we all live, learn, improve and change over time. Of course, some people don’t learn from their mistakes and keep making the same errors over and over again, but you don’t have to be like that.

      You might not reply to this, but if you do read it, just know that today is a new day for you. Your past does not equal your future. You can be better, do better and experience better in life from now on.


  • Alex  

    Hi Dan!
    So basically there’s this girl that I like (a lot!!), and we’re friends for two years now. I will quickly explain you how it all started.

    We met two years ago more or less. We got on a few dates, I think she was interested in me at the beggining, I was even invited to dinner at her place with her parents and brother and we saw a movie later. I remember I gave her a flower and later she texted me saying that that was her favourite flower and bla bla bla. However I guess I started loosing her when I told her (twice, on two different ocasions) that she was very special to me. The second time this happened she got angry with me and told me to stop saying those things. After that we had a conversation where I told her about my feelings for her and that I liked her, but she said that she never showed interest in me and she never gave me hopes (which I disagree with). Despite this, we remained friends, as she considered me her best friend back then.

    Now it’s been two years, we’re still good friends, and I still like her.

    My question is, should I try to get out of the friend zone, and start flirting with her? Or do you think, from what I told you, that she will never see me as more than a friend? Should I move on then?
    Thak you very much in advance,

  • Jack  

    Hi Dan,

    I just found you on the internet! Hope you can help me.

    It’s a long story but I had a really good 2 years with my girlfriend but she decided to not go any further because I was super busy with my work and she didn’t like it. First I accepted that and I thought maybe after a while we can get back together again because we had like this decision before and we always backed together again. But this time after a while she told me that she’s dating someone new and asked me to not texted her again that time I didn’t know about no contact rule so I send her a many text… she didn’t answer me. I knew that she don’t like that boy and she’s doing that to forget me so I started the no contact rule for 45 days. After that I texted her for something she answered me and after couple of texting she told me that she really missed me sometimes but she was thinking that we made a good decision. I started texting her and told her that what I felt that time. It was short and then again she asked me to not text her again any more. next days after this when I texted her again she told me that a new guy asked her for date and she’s going to date with him because she thinks he’s a good guy and asked me to not text her if so she would block me. I texted her again after one they and then I found out that she blocked me from every where. Facebook, phone, email… right now 2 weeks passed and I know she’s still with that guy. Now She’s dating someone new and she blocked me from everywhere. What do you think should I do? Should I just wait. Start no contact rule again? wait just for 2 weeks? Please help me. Thanks

  • A  

    Hello Dan! I’d like to suggest an audiobook for “The Flow”. I love listening to your videos on Youtube and it would be amazing if i could do the same with your book “The Flow”! :-)

    Perhaps the dating scene has also changed slightly with this generation? I mean now a days it seems like the guys that are good looking or look good and confident on social media, with lots of followers get easy “attention” from girls even though (i personally) think they’re not very daring/charming/edgy with women in real life. What are your thoughts?

  • Pat  

    Hey Dan,

    My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me two days ago. It’s a long story and I was stupid.

    My girlfriend and I were really close and had so much in common, not to mention we loved each other dearly. Sometimes however, without realizing ID become controlling and obsessive and I’d text her so offer her parents would think I was a distraction to her, and that it may not work because she would have a busy schedule due to sports. I thought spending as much time as we could and always being available would make her feel special, but that wasn’t the case.

    So about a week ago she talked to me saying I was too clingy obsessive and controlling for the past few months and if it continues she’ll break up. She told her parents later that night what we talked about and her parents said she should break up with me. Meanwhile, instead of listening, for some reason I panicked at the thought of losing her and became clingier. The day before she broke up with me she said she would text me later thst day but never texted. The next day I went to her practice for her sport and found her after practice asking if everything was OK, which spooked her and also made her feel stalked, and that was her final straw.

    She broke up with me later that day and said that I made her so angry worried and others and even embarrassed (which I figure would be because I made her disobey her parents wishes of me distracting her) and that she never wants to date me again and that she is super pissed with what I’ve done. I pleaded with her to come back and she said I was being needy and clingy again and ended the conversation. She said she’d be friends and that’s all. The next day she returned my stuffand even some of the gifts I got her, repeating everything she said and also saying that I pushed her away and caused this, and that I’m lucky she doesn’t mistreat me after all the pain I caused. However I stayed strong while she was there and she was confused why I wasnt crying or begging her back, and I replied its because I matured this past day and I have changed, and she said yeah now that it’s too late. I said let’s be friends for a bit and she replied no we’re just staying friends, I’m not getting back with you. I’m so pissed after everything you did.

    Now, two days after the break up I haven’t talked to her since the return of those things and I see her at class tomorrow. I’m planning on not talking to her unless she talks to me. Her snd her friend usually wait for me after class to walk with me. Here I really feel like she needs some space and the no contact rule may actually be of use. What do you think?

  • Tom  

    Hi dan
    I first got together with my gf 3 years ago in February, we broke up in June that year and then got back together in November that year. We stayed together for over a year, and she broke up with me again in February last year, after that I went into nc, and have been for over a year now. She removed me from her friends list on facebook in April, then she got in a relationship in June, 4 months after the break up, it was obviously a rebound because in July presumably because it was her last day of college and then she was single again, but in September she started at another college, and got together with someone else and she’s been with him since, she randomly blocked me on facebook in November despite me not even making any contact with her, I sent an email to her in January this year but I didn’t get a response, then I sent another email earlier this month through itrackmail, she didn’t even read that one. I feel like I’m in an impossible situation, and I want to know honestly if you can help me. Thanks

    • Hey Tom

      If you have her phone number, then you can use the text and phone call examples in Get Your Ex Back Super System to get her to feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you and agree to meet up with you in person: http://store.themodernman.com/get_your_ex_back_super_system.html

      If you don’t have her phone number, there is one other move that you can make to get her attention, which I explain in Get Your Ex Back Super System.

      I have helped guys in the same type of situation as you. In cases like this, it takes a bit more time to get the woman’s guard down and get her to meet up in person, but it can be done if you follow the steps of the system.


      • Tom  

        Ok thanks Dan. I don’t have her new number, but I still have her house number, don’t know if that counts or not. Also, does it put me at a disadvantage that she’s been with someone else for 7 months now?

        • Hey Tom

          If you are prepared to follow the steps in the program to get her back, you will successfully get her to meet up with you. At the meet up, you will make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you and forgive your past mistakes. That will happen regardless of whether or not she is seeing someone.

          Don’t worry about the new guy – focus on what you are doing to get her back. That’s all that counts.

          Get started here: http://store.themodernman.com/cart.php?action=add&itemid=28&type=prod


  • Harry  

    Hi Dan,
    I’ve seen a lot of your video’s on YouTube and stuff, and I really think your videos are great.
    If I hadn’t have watched your videos on YouTube I’d probably still be making the same mistakes.
    Problem I have is that my girlfriend is being very cold, and wants to break up.
    I’ve made the mistake of being needy, insecure, and jealous.
    I’ve tried to change that recently since we almost broke up, I begged her to give the relationship another chance, and she said that doesn’t think it’s going to improve, but that we could see after we have done our exams. Whenever I ask to call her, she says she’d rather not. I used to message her too much, and be argumentative, I’ve stopped that now, but that’s all I’ve really been able to manage, as she won’t call me. She no longer has time for me, and it’s like she is moving on.
    Unfortunately i can’t meet up with her for a little while, as we go to different uni’s. So I’m kind of stuck, only able to message her, and unable to show her that I’m emotionally strong etc.
    Do I have to wait till i can see her again, then try and make her enjoy herself? Unfortunately she might try and stop me seeing her for another month or so, she doesn’t seem keen on seeing me.
    So do you have any advice on what I should be doing to try and get our relationship back to how it was before? Also, do you have any advice of what say over messages?


  • John  

    Hi Dan, I was going out with this girl for like an month and we talk like everyday, she said to me that she have feelings for me but one day she said to me things not working that I’m not changing. I love her and I want to be back with her, she does have new boy best friends, is there a way u can help me and thanks

    • Hey John

      What about you needed to change for her to be happy with you?


  • B  

    Hey Dan! I’ve made good progress lately but i’ve stumbled across some confusion…

    I’m wondering when you REALLY can or SHOULD compliment a girl on her looks, or say that she is sexy etc, without placing yourself beneath her and lose status (since girls will only be together with guys who are better than them). Lately i’ve been getting confused with your idea of attracting women and building sexual tension. I’ve had a few women who really liked when i complimented them so they got more interested in me, but then i’ve had these girls who seemed to really like it when i said it (laughing and brushing) but then the next day they were just normal to me, or had even lost interest in me.

    Yes i know it was probably the way i acted after that (i’ve been a little too needy since i’m pretty much a beginner but it has gotten MUCH better). But what builds my confusion the most is that a lot of the PUA’s/dating coaches i’ve seen on the internet seem to think that complimenting a girl is not really a good idea since you will lose status. To some people giving compliments is only something they do after they’ve slept with the girl. They also seem to think that if you want to sleep with “9’s” and “10’s” you should just act “real alpha” and not give a shit about the girl since you will then automatically put her beneath you, and apparently that way she will feel intense sexual attraction and after that you can magically sleep with her. Now you still need to get her to sleep with you in some way and i also don’t understand how you go from not giving a shit about her to smoothly sleeping with her.

    I have also noticed that it seems like girls are in general more confident than guys when it comes to showing interest. Before i always thought they were just being friendly to me etc, so i naively ignored texts like “i’m home alone, boooring ;)” (haha quite funny when i look back at it now) but now i see that girls do, mostly without hesitation show interest in the guys they like, while an average guy now a days would just think he didn’t have a chance, like i did before and just focus on something else 😀 Are women the ones who are taking over the mans roll in showing interest? 😀 ? Haha, Perhaps i’ve gotten “too” confident and think that friendly women just want me?
    But nah, it doesn’t seem like a woman would always blush, smile and do stuff for me if they didn’t like me, right 😉 😀

    Anyway despite all this I think I have a pretty good picture of how you should do it and how it all works – thanks to trial and error. But it would be really nice to hear what you have to say about this, thanks! :)

    • Hey B

      Great to hear of your progress.

      1. Women liking the compliment and showing more interest is because most women are insecure about their looks. As long as you had attracted those women before giving the compliment, it will have made them want you even more because they would feel confident that you won’t reject them.

      2. Women acting normal towards you the next day is either them being insecure (i.e. not wanting to appear too keen) or testing your confidence to see if you will remain confident now that they are acting like nothing happened the previous day.

      3. When a PUA or dating coach tells you not to compliment a girl, it means that he’s insecure. Real men know that no matter what they say or do, they always remain in the power position with a woman.

      4. Not giving a crap about a hot woman doesn’t mean treating her badly and not even trying to pick her up. It’s essentially just about being a challenge: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/why-do-women-like-a-guy-who-is-a-challenge.html

      5. Women showing obvious interest in you means that you’re doing a great job at making them feel attracted and turned on by you.

      From now on, just keep pushing forward until you’re kissing and having sex with a woman. Don’t wait around for the obvious signs that a woman wants to kiss you or sleep with you, because most hot women don’t show it. They don’t want to give insecure guys a chance to hook up with them, so they act as if they aren’t interested to scare away insecure guys and hopefully end up with a confident guy.


  • Malcolm  


    In the past you wrote two articles “How to flirt with women at work” and “my girlfriend flirts with other guys ”, I was on the receiving end of flirting My issue kind of relates with both, but essentially I am the guy who gets/got flirted with at work from another girl. What happened is is a girl who I had no contact with about six weeks ago smiled at me twice. I have never worked at place with a lot of attractive women before, much less dated one, so this took me by surprise. About 2 weeks later , there was a company event at a bar, and she was there. It appeared that she was there with a male coworker, so I don’t know if they just met or what the extent of the relationship was, but it was clear he was after her. Later I talked with this women a little bit, but she didn’t seem to into me , and just left our conversation to sit at this table with the other guy. Well later on , she blurted out something and started to talk with me and it took me by surprise. Then later on she invited me to this other bar, but she seemed to be with this other guy. I didn’t really talk with her at the other bar. I felt funny hitting on her in front of the other bar especially with this guy and my bosses there. She left with this guy and I stayed there a little longer.

    Then a week later saw her at work, she smiled at me again, and a few days latter I asked her to join me with coworkers after work, she declined saying “we are going out of town this weekend” implying a boyfriend I assume. Later on I was told she was speaking in a conference room at work with this other guy I had seen her with at the previous company event. Then recently I happened to see her at a bar after work with other coworkers and this same guy. I ignored her at first, and she made some comment about me drinking water. Later on she was talking to someone near me and I just started to talk with her pretty dominantly where I did all the talking . I think what I was talking about was resonating with he and she seemed focused on what I was saying until this girl cut in disrupted my convo. That was it and later on she left with this guy again. I noticed while we were there he was caressing her back. A girl remarked after they left these two were acting like gf/bf, but this girl has another bf at another company and this guy she is with has a girlfriend as well. When I heard this, I figured something is not right. When I walked by her at work the next week, I ignored her. I normally don’t like to spin my wheels, but hate to lose out on someone who was a t least at one time attracted to me, but on the other hand am wondering if she might be using me for validation (like it says in the article). So what could have been done differently? Is she a manipulator? Should I still try to go after her, what about the other guy? The way I see it, as long as that guy is in her presence, and she has another BF, it seems convoluted, and I don’t feel comfortable gaming her at work anyway, unless nobody is around, which is extremely rare

  • River  

    Hey, Dan, so I’m actually a younger person of your supporters. I am a teenager, and I decided to purchase your e-book The Flow for I felt that I am not the best at attracting females in my school, and do not know how to do such similar things, etc. As I read, I started to realize more that the examples and all are targeted to maybe like men in their 20s or 30s, and that I was a bit young to fully grasp the entire dynamic. What I ask today is if I can apply any of this to my age and say, my school life, and whatnot. I’d be pleased to hear back from you since I admire your work and would enjoy hearing your advice.

  • aladin  

    Hey Dan, me and my girlfriend just broke up after a week of “break” and i tried convincing her to not do this, she says she doesn’t feel good with me. We had a lot of big fights over nothing, i was the one starting the fights. I told her before that they would end, but they didn’t. She told me she had no similar connection before, but that she is fed up and is done. I told her to not let go so easy,
    I’ve been working on things so that when she gets back from her trip everything should be ok. But for her it isn’t.
    She says she wants to be friends, to keep me in her life.

  • Thomas  

    Hello Dan!

    I have a question for you about rejection. You say that my approach was rejected, not my appearance? I really wish I could believe that, and I’m nearly there, but I just can’t do it.

    What do you think is holding me back Dan?



    • Hey Thomas

      Thanks for your question.

      However, you’ve asked me the same question over and over again on other pages. The reason why you are being rejected is that you’re not actively making women feel sexually attracted to you when you interact with them.

      Watch this: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/how-to-make-a-woman-feel-intense-attraction-for-you.html

      You ask what is holding you back and the answer is: Your lack of ability to attract and turn women on during an interaction. Read this:


      • Thomas  

        Hello again Dan!

        My bad to keep asking the same question all the time.

        When I’m ready, where do you think will be a good place for a beginner like myself to approach and pick up women at?


        • Hey Thomas

          No worries mate – good to see that you’ve moved beyond that initial question about your looks.

          I notice that you haven’t bought a copy of my book yet. Someone like you isn’t going to succeed at picking up women by going out there with your current mindset (i.e. “I’m not good looking enough. I need to improve my physical appearance first and then women will like me”). You need help, not a place to go approaching women.

          Read my book first http://store.themodernman.com/the_flow.html and then go here http://www.themodernman.com/blog/where-can-i-find-single-women.html


  • Brenden loffler  

    Hey dan, I really need your help my girlfriend of 3years has just left me, she has told me that she was unhappy with me I havnt been the best I can be for her she has put so much time and effort into me always trying to build me up and couch me in the right direction but I always threw it back in her face and kept letting her down, she no longer loves me and wants to be her self with her own freedoms, she has told me that she wants to make her self happy and to live her life with out me she has had enough of trying to hard to make me happy and to build me up when she is getting nothing in return, I really need advice on how I can get her back I love her and advice on how I may be able to get her back would Muchly be appreciated. If myself and you could talk please help me

  • Joe  


    Why do so many dating experts push the no contact? I accidentally cornered my ex via txt (all she will communicate with right now) about our relationship and she got pissed. I sought paid counseling from a certain Canadian dating coach and he just suggested to focus on myself and do another 3 weeks of no contact. Seriously what good does that do?!

    • Hi Joe

      The reason why so many “dating experts” teach No Contact is that they don’t know how to actively re-attract a woman. Not knowing what else to do, they tell guys to ignore a woman and hope that she comes back.

      I don’t offer false hope. I give practical advice and solutions to get results now.

      Here are 5 examples of how to re-attract her when you interact with her:

      Once you begin to re-attract her, you then need to confidently guide her back into the relationship. If you don’t know how to do that, I recommend that you watch my program:


  • Russel  

    Hi Dan,

    I am 3/4ths of the way through The Flow. Just wanted to drop you a note of appreciation, not that you need it! Throughout the course of the book, you have absolutely nailed the issues that have probably caused me to attain less-than-satisfying companionship throughout the best part of my youth and early adulthood. Now I also know why it often fizzles out despite numerous promising starts.
    Hopefully things will change now!


    • Hey Russel

      Awesome mate! I’m glad that we’ve crossed paths and I’m honored to be able to help you.

      Enjoy the great times ahead with women!


Comments are now closed.