Talking to women on Facebook is similar to talking to women that you meet in person. Essentially, when you talk to a woman on Facebook you have to:
- Use humor so she enjoys talking to you.
- Come across as a cool, likeable guy so she wants to associate herself with you.
- Be confident so she feels attracted to you.
- Flirt with her and build up the sexual tension between you so she wants to have sex with you.
- Get her phone number so you can call her and set up a date.
The DO’s and DON’Ts of Talking to Women on Facebook
The secret of how to talk to women on Facebook is to stand out from the crowd by being the sort of guy that a woman wants to talk to and be associated with. That means:
1. Do post photos of you having a lot of fun with other people
Many women now use Facebook as a screening process to sort out the cool guys from the loners. Although many guys will feel annoyed at women for being so superficial and wanting to hook up with guys who will make their Facebook profile look cooler, that’s just how a lot of women think these days. A woman wants to see that if she hooks up with you, she will have opportunities to get great photos posted to her Facebook wall. Lame yes, but that’s modern life unfortunately. If there is nothing going on in your life according to your Facebook photos and posts, most modern women aren’t going to feel super excited to be associated with you as a lover or girlfriend on Facebook.
2. Don’t post lonely photos of you at home alone
This is the biggest mistake that I see guys (who are not getting any results with women) making. They take selfie after selfie of themselves alone at home, alone at the train station, alone at a take away food store, etc. Loneliness is not attractive to women, so if you want to use Facebook to talk to women, make sure you don’t post up your lonely moments in life.
3. Don’t post “pity me” status updates about your life
Another big mistake that guys make is posting up “pity me” status updates like, “Why is life so hard?” or “Ughhh…Monday again. I hate my life.” It is fine for women to do that, but not for men. Most women are more attracted to men who are mentally and emotionally strong (i.e. an alpha male) and turned off by emotionally weak men (e.g. shy guys, nervous guys, clingy guys, etc).
4. Don’t post like a girl
Some guys will post status updates like a woman like, “Oh no you didn’t! Just left McDonalds and am so pissed off! The staff were so rude! I hate McDonalds now!!” or “OMG!! Just saw Megan Fox on TV and my heart skipped a beat!!! I have a big crush on her!!” Posting like a girl will never, ever make a woman feel attraction for you. The only guys who can post up status updates like a girl and get laughs and women feeling more attraction for him as a result, is a guy who is a confident, alpha male in real life. If you’re a nervous, shy guy who lacks masculinity in real-life interactions and then you post up things on Facebook like a girl would, you will turn women off you even more.
When talking a woman on Facebook, you must be a masculine guy and not use or copy her girly, cute, feminine style of communication. Why? Women are attracted to a man’s masculinity and turned off when a guy is too feminine in his approach, behavior and thinking. Some guys mistakenly believe that if their messages are “cute,” sweet and full of compliments that a woman will be much more open to talking with them. However, the opposite is true. The more you behave like her, the less interested she will be in talking to you.
Some examples of a girly style of communication:
- Hi! i think ur pic is sooooo cuuute! 🙂
- U look sooo GR8!
- Wow, ur 2 cute. Lol!
- I lyke ur profile and want 2 talk 2 you. Do u wanna talk 2 me 2?
- OMG!!! So cuuuuuuute ^__^
Behaving like a woman or like a little boy (instead of behaving like a masculine man or alpha male) is just not attractive to women. Are you attracted to butch lesbians who behave like men? If you’re not a weirdo, then you would of course say, “No” and would instead be attracted to feminine, sexy women. The same applies when talking to women on Facebook: They are not going to feel attracted to you if you behave like a girl. Women feel attraction to a guy’s masculine behavior, thinking, actions and communication style, so if you can display that when you talk to a woman on Facebook, she will be much more interested in talking to you and seeing you in person.
Here are some butch lesbians and then some feminine women to give you a graphic example of what I mean…
5. Don’t immediately hit on a woman when you add her as a friend
The above approach doesn’t work for two main reasons:
- Most attractive women get those type of messages from random guys every day or at least once a week: I have plenty of attractive female friends and I’ve seen the sort of messages that some of them get on a daily basis. Additionally, my girlfriend (who has her status set to being in a relationship with me) still gets random guys sending her messages like, “Hi! Wanna chat?” or “Wow! You’re beautiful. Add me so we can chat :)” many times per week.
- To get a woman to want to talk to you, she first has to feel attraction for you: Whether you meet a woman in person or online, you first have to spark her attraction for you. If you’re feeling sexually attracted to her because of her sexy photo, but she isn’t feeling anything for you, then she’s not going to be very interested in talking to you.
6. Don’t bombard her with messages
Most women have a life or at least have enough responsibilities in life to feel busy. No matter how much fun she has when talking to you, messaging her too often will result in her losing interest in chatting with you because the novelty of it will wear off and will also make you appear as though you have nothing else going on in your life.
No matter what age a woman is, she is always going to be more attracted to guys who go after their true potential in life and do not hide from the world behind an online persona. To get a woman to feel attraction for you and want to meet you in person, you need to maintain a balanced life rather than just focusing on her or spending all night chatting to people on Facebook. Ideally, you want a woman to log on to her Facebook page and wonder, “Am I going to hear from him today? I hope he messages me!” and when she doesn’t hear from you, you want her to feel disappointed and as though she is missing out because you’re probably out somewhere having a great time without her.
“Living” on Facebook and avoiding the rest of what life has to offer you can lead to you displaying clingy, needy and desperate behavior, all of which is unattractive to women. The best approach to use when talking to women on Facebook is to leave a couple of days gap in between bursts of chatting for 5-10 minutes. However, your number one goal should always be to get her on the phone and then arrange to see her in person.
7. Don’t pretend to be an innocent friend who just wants to “chat.”
Some guys put on an act of just wanting to be innocent friends with a woman on Facebook, because they are too afraid of being rejected by her after showing sexual or romantic interest. However, being liked as a friend by a woman is not the same as having her feel attraction and desire for you, or making her want to meet you in person and have sex with you. For a woman to want to be more than “just friends” with you, she needs to feel sexually attracted to you and the bottom line is if you’re just being a sweet, friendly guy who only wants “to talk” online, she will enjoy the attention while she goes out in real life and has sex with a real guy.
8. Don’t hide behind messages – Get her on the phone and arrange a time to see each other in person
The worst thing you can do when talking to women on Facebook is to keep messaging her for weeks and never actually getting her on a phone call. If you wait too long to get her on the phone and organize a time to see each other in person, she will either lose interest in chatting to you or hook up with another guy that she has met in person. When you talk to a woman on the phone, she will feel attraction for you more rapidly than via Facebook messages because she will able to experience your confident, charismatic personality and feel great when you make her laugh. However, if you just message her all the time, she will be less-likely to feel any sort of attraction for you and may even feel turned off by your communication style.
What to Say When You Contact Her
What to say when you contact a woman via Facebook really depends on whether she is a cold, warm or hot contact.
- Cold contact: You don’t know her and are just randomly contacting her.
- Warm contact: She is a friend of a friend.
- Hot contact: You’ve met her in person or already know her well.
If you’d like to know exactly what to say when you first contact women on Facebook, I recommend that you watch Approaching and Talking to Women: For Beginners. I provide my best, tested examples for contacting different types of women on Facebook and then escalating to a phone call so you can set up a date.
Talking Online vs. Talking Face-to-Face
Online, anyone can pretend to be better, cooler and more confident than they are in real life. Most women realize this and as a result, they don’t get “sold” on a guy until they talk to him on the phone or in person. Facebook is a new way of communicating for humans and if you want to use it to meet women, you should only use it as a way to get a woman’s phone number and then set up a date.
If you spend too much time trying to come up with clever things to say to a woman on Facebook, you will likely end up saying the wrong things or appearing as though you don’t have the guts to talk to her on the phone or in person. Then, when she meets a confident guy in real life, she will begin a sexual relationship with him and you will be quickly forgotten. You might be a very confident, self-assured and even witty guy when you’re talking to women online, but if you’re lost for words, anxious and insecure on a phone call or date, she will be looking to get away from you as fast as possible without hurting your feelings too much.
Being Afraid to Talk to Women in Real Life
These days, an increasing number of men are afraid to approach and talk to women in real life because they develop a warped perception of women by watching too much porn and by believing what they see in music videos, movies and TV drama shows as being how women think and behave in real life. After a while, a guy begins to perceive women as being way more valuable than him and may even begin to copy the “loveable loser” behavior that he sees male characters display in Hollywood movies, only to later realize that in real life, women are attracted to confident guys, not shy, nervous, “pity me” type guys who somehow manage to get laid in every Hollywood movie.
Unfortunately for many guys, talking to women on Facebook is often the only positive female attention they can get. In their everyday life, they are so nervous and self-doubting around women that women don’t show them any interest other than just being friendly. Yet, little do many of these guys know, just because a woman talks to him online and ends her messages with smiley faces 🙂 LOLs!!!! and xoxox, it doesn’t mean she’s hoping and yearning for him to become her boyfriend. More often than not she is just enjoying the attention and is also talking to and being pursued by many guys online at the same time.
Regardless of how many smiley faces 🙂 and LOLs a woman sends you, she isn’t going to reject a confident guy who talks to her in real life, just because she’s being LOLing with you online. She will happily go out on dates and have sex with guys who don’t hide behind Facebook or text messages and simply get her on a date and then escalate to sex.
What Does Your Facebook Profile Say About You?
These days, many women are happy to quickly add a guy on Facebook to assess his profile and determine whether he is a cool guy or a lonely guy. If she adds you on Facebook and sees an endless stream of lonely selfies, “pity me” and confused status updates about life, she will usually unfriend you or simply ignore you from then on.
If you fear talking to women in real life and don’t have many close friends or live a fun lifestyle, Facebook isn’t going to be your savior. You might be able to get women to add you or chat to you, but if they see that you’re not a confident guy and really don’t have much going on in your life, they usually aren’t going to be excited to talk to you or see you in real life. It may be superficial of women to want to associate themselves with cool guys who can add some value to their life, but that’s just how women are behaving these days. Getting more likes and comments on her Facebook is like a drug for most women. When you add women on Facebook, you want them to look at your profile and think, “Wow, this guy is cool. I would feel proud to be his girlfriend” rather than, “Oh…nothing going on here…this guy would be embarrassing to have as a boyfriend.”
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Dan, now I understand why some women who use to be in my class in my previous studies, unfriended me in my first year with them.
Thanks again for the great article, though to be honest, I prefer talking to women in person rather than online.
I love you mate however I disagree with the taking selfie thing lol the one you showed up top yeah ok that looks bad almost Ted Bundyish 🙂 I think its fine though if you actually acknowledge you are taking a selfie or that it is a bit cheesy or cringe in the tag lines and most importantly you look happy in the photo you are smiling I think that is more important than if you are alone or not. I have a friend who kills with women and a quarter of his albums are selfies of him showing off shades, him at gym, laying on a sun lounger etc I think its about balance obviously if the majority of your album are lonely selfies that looks bad but if its a blend with you with other people and out doing things who cares lol it actually shows you aren’t trying to project this I’m the cats pyjamas image.
You talk about guys wanting to look good on camera from my personal experience sometimes taking your own photo is the only way to get a nice picture you say its not about looks however don’t now about you I would like to look presentable in my pictures, on nights out its not always possible to get a good photo and even if you do some people aren’t happy about it they want you to remove it or un-tag them especially chicks who look ‘ugly’ I don’t think it’s as simple as take pictures with people having fun job done.
Thanks for your comment.
Don’t worry, I’m not offended or anything immature like that. I love you too. However, I have to say this for your benefit: The level of understanding you have at the moment is amateur. See: http://www.themodernman.com/videos/what-is-your-skill-level-with-women.html
This gives it away, “I have a friend who kills with women and a quarter of his albums are selfies of him showing off shades, him at gym, laying on a sun lounger etc I think its about balance obviously.”
What you’re doing there is guessing. You haven’t properly thought it through. What you’ve failed to acknowledge and likely failed to realize is that your friend would have killed it with women if there was no Facebook or Instagram. Women are attracted to him in person because of his confidence and masculinity, not because he is vain. Posting selfies isn’t the secret to his success with women.
BTW: You are jumping to a lot of conclusions and missing what I’ve actually written in the article! 😀 I don’t say “Don’t ever post a selfie” or that posting up fun photos is the solution to everything. That said, I’ve never had to post up a selfie because I either always am with women, friends or out doing something with people. In my mind, me or anyone on my friends list gain nothing from a selfie of me. It serves no purpose other than pointless vanity. On the other hand, getting a glimpse into my fun, interesting lifestyle is enjoyable, inspiring and (at times) entertaining for my friends and family.
Dan dude you got any one liners to use on women when they try and tool you on facebook? I know its pointless engaging in slagging matches online but sometimes I don’t want to let it go and take the high ground lol some women do deserve to be taken down a peg or two at times. I recently went with ‘its a comment on a facebook profile darling get over yourself…’ a friend of one of my female friends made a jibe about a comment I made. The other one is ‘lol good one’ I just go with the dismissive route and then ignore them without getting into all that petty crap.
Yes, can do. I’ll need a bit more context though to give you an accurate response.
What comment did you make that got a bad reaction? Hit me up with a few example problem situations if you have them.
Thanks for the hard work. Reading these blog posts and buying some of your programs helped me alot this year.
I wanted to bring into light one of the most common behaviours I noticed when talking to women on FB: when you say smth, they seem that they don’t respond although you can notice they read the message. Now if you’re not confident enough you can easily start doubting yourself whether your reply was good or not. Even worse, you can try to desperately text her back to see what’s going on.
But guess what: if you do that, you’ve fallen into a trap and getting out might be more difficult than in real life.
So, just be cool and do not think about that particular conversation. Just concentrate on having fun with friends, hobbies or whatever brings you joy. If you just wait for her response, your existence might be a nightmare.
Hope this advice is good,
Thanks for your appreciation. I appreciate it! I work my ass off to make all the posts and videos for The Modern Man and it’s always good to get a thanks.
About your suggestion for other guys: Yes, that is spot on. In addition, the fact is that she might be busy, not know what to say, wanting to test your interest level or checking to see if you will become desperate. Some women chat with many men on Facebook with absolutely NO plans to ever hook up with the guy in person. Instead, they just do it to feel good about themselves that many guys are interested.
BTW: Here’s a new post and video about how to tell if a woman is interested: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/how-to-know-if-a-woman-is-interested-in-you.html
Hey. I have a question regarding text-messages via mobile-phones and instant-messaging on Facebook etc.
On one side, there are some websites who are advising guys to not use humour/flirting in text-messages/instant-messages, before they’ve had sex with them. The reason being that it can be difficult for women to determine if a guy is joking or not in a text-message/instant-message, and also because one can never know which mood the woman is in when she receives the text-message/instant-message.
In addition, those websites also claim that this strategy gives better results and less “flakes”, than if a guy would use humour/flirting in his text-messages/instant-messages before they’ve had sex and she knows his type of flirting/humour.
On the other side there are other websites who are advising guys to use flirting/humour in their text-messages/instant-messages, regardless of where in the “relationship-building process” they’re at.
Now, my problem is that I’ve had both positive and negative experiences with both of those texting-strategies. (All though I’ve had more negative results than positive results, when using flirting/humour in text-messages/instant-messages during the first few days/weeks after having gotten a girl’s phone-number or Facebook.)
So, the question is this:
Can you tell me which of the two strategies you would advice, and that gives the best results? And also, WHY you think that particular strategy is the most effective one?
I currently have to second-guess myself every time I send a text-message/instant-message to a new girl, because I don’t know which of the two strategies are most effective. So therefore I go through a lot of unnecessary thinking which gets very tiresome, so it would be great to know with more certainty which strategy I should use, and also why.
The second approach is correct because you should always be attracting the woman. Humor and flirting is attractive.
About this part of your comment, “So therefore I go through a lot of unnecessary thinking” you need to stop over-thinking things and just move the interaction/dating process forward to the next step. Don’t get caught up in random rules that you hear from people online.
The fundamental thing that needs to happen is that the woman feels attracted to you. If she is attracted, she will be interested. Hiding attractive behavior from her doesn’t make any sense.
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